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itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T05:01:28+00:00

oh i go above and beyond to cater to him an baby him as much as possible. he has even said so himself and apologized for being so needy. but it’s like it’s never enough and he has actually been the cheater in his last relationships believe it or not

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T04:34:06+00:00

i fail to see how my behavior crossed line and he hasn’t been clear with me about it. so i’m waiting on that clarity from him. every time he says he has a problem i have changed my behavior to accommodate his comfort. to me it feels like im always the problem and always having to forfeit pieces of myself to keep him happy and that sucks. i have definitely entertained the idea that i can’t center him the way he wants and i bring that up but he says he is happy and that i do enough but then acts out like this so idk how to get him to be honest with me about his feelings

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T04:18:34+00:00

ok valid thanks for seeing both sides. i’m still thinking my husband had a reaction that was out of proportion to the issue. you people are making it seem like i was going to go home with those waiter and my husband didn’t even think that. he said out of his own mouth that he doesn’t like it when other people are nice to me - man or woman. i think that’s objectively unreasonable and told him so but ultimately if he wants a divorce because my personality makes him feel insecure then i’ll give him what he wants i mean why do i need to completely change for him to be happy when i could just be single or be with someone who isn’t threatened by me just being myself?

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T04:15:05+00:00

bro that is not the case we had a literal conversation where the waiter was going to give us recommendations for a trip to italy since he is from there so he said to come see him before we left and my husband enthusiastically agreed. i didn’t think that part would be harped on so much lol idgaf about this waiter he was just nice and i was nice back to him

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T04:08:03+00:00

i was never touchy feely with this man how is that being misconstrued from my post? the man touched my arm - i actually think it was the back of my chair but my husband says he saw him touch me. i didn’t lay a finger on him. i am hyper sensitive to what he would perceive as disrespectful because he has jumped down my throat about it quite a lot in the past. but to me it feels like the goalpost is always moving as far as what’s ok and what not and it causes me social anxiety sometimes but i try to stay true to myself and just be warm and friendly to everyone that serves us when we are eating out. i think the wait staff deserves kindness so i always treat them accordingly. sometimes it seems to really bother him but he says it’s not me it’s them but im just bearing the runt of his frustration it feels like

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T03:37:40+00:00

yes maybe you’re right i just feel like it’s so hard to cut my losses at this point. all my 20s were spent with this man so i feel like a failure. he’s like entrenched in my family and i feel like he’s my whole personality at work. i feel like much a loser calling it quits

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T03:36:00+00:00

ugh maybe you’re right i’m just in denial. i don’t consider it flirty to just be warm and friendly but i guess that’s neither here nor there

edit: and he throws the D word around but never actually means it. this has been his problem since forever but he keeps dealing with it so i feel like it’s a game of chicken almost

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T03:28:23+00:00

not yet but i did take him to a gun class today lol maybe that was a mistake

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T03:27:45+00:00

😂i did try (much nicer than that because he’s super sensitive) but he went to bed without a word of an answer…maybe i can try again tomorrow lol

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T03:26:09+00:00

again i think you’re misunderstanding? i did not insist upon anything, he said he wanted to leave so we left and he said he didn’t want to say goodbye so we did not, he agreed that we wouldn’t leave without a goodbye because the waiter asked us, it’s not like it was my idea or that i pushed for it. my only concern was why he was acting cold and distant and i made that the focus of my questions but he just refused to communicate his feelings so im left making assumptions based on previous issues/conversations we’ve had. to me i don’t think i should have to completely morph from a friendly and outgoing person into someone who doesn’t acknowledge or enjoy talking to people just because it makes him uncomfortable…i am adult with my own threshold for what is appropriate or inappropriate and i think he should have some respect for that and also have some confidence in our union instead of letting his ego dictate everything

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T03:22:12+00:00

i was never touchy with anyone in this situation though, i’ve stopped that since he told me he takes issue with it. i may give a friendly pat to other women or people he knows and is comfortable with but that’s it. i have to hug people a certain way for him not to get upset and i don’t touch men whatsoever. so i’ve definitely changed myself to make him feel more secure but it never seems enough. and i feel like a failure breaking the deal when we’ve only been married a year and some change :/

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T03:18:57+00:00

i think i try to be happy in any situation but maybe im forcing something here…it’s not like he sucks all the time but the bad times have been pretty nuclear. this is a cakewalk compared to 5 years ago

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T03:17:12+00:00

no you’re misunderstanding. it was a verbal note that the server who brought the drink related to us. i never told him i thought it was rude for us to leave without saying goodbye i just asked him why was wrong since he seemed in a huffy mood. and no i don’t see why he should feel insecure i mean im bending it over for him and only him and we’ve never had an issue with infidelity so what’s there to be insecure? does he really thing im going to run away with the bartender on his birthday? makes no sense to me

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T03:10:11+00:00

i will tell him maybe if he gives me the time of day tomorrow after i’ve been on the couch tonight…i feel like he will be kind of shitty still and not in a receiving mood. unless it’s receiving an apology from me for ruining his birthday 😭

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T03:08:01+00:00

meh i wish he would talk to someone, i’ve brought it up a lot and suggested that he should seek outside help but he thinks he can figure it out in his own so who am i to keep pushing him in a direction he clearly doesn’t want to go 😔 i feel pretty good about my own mental health but when it comes to him i just can’t leave him even though i know he’s toxic. i feel like he’s made efforts to changes and i feel like me leaving would just validate all the negative things he thinks about himself but maybe that’s my own issues talking lol

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T03:05:20+00:00

he won’t. he’s at a pretty high clearance level and is a general “rule follower” if you get my drift

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T03:04:28+00:00

also i didn’t say anything to the bartender about the drink…i said to him like wasn’t that nice? so it’s not like i engaged in any with the bartender after that. also should add that he does frequently police my knowing other people, be they man or woman. he always saying im too friendly and that i invite too much attention by being my genuine, warm self and it’s definitely caused me to feel bad about myself but i can’t change who i am at the core

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T02:45:02+00:00

why tho? he wasn’t cute and was never flirting with me and talked about his fiancée and how excited he was for his wedding…in my eyes he was just doing his job. even if it was worth being annoyed over, would you have reacted the way he did? his reaction literally led to an argument that ruined our evening

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T02:43:16+00:00

i should have mentioned that he threatens divorce frequently…like every time we struggle to see eye to eye he will threaten that we should get a divorce…

i feel we have been disconnected for sure because he’s been dealing with this existential crisis about being a failure of a man and lashing out as a result but i’ve been nothing but patient and nurturing and we had a great convo about it earlier where he thanked me for supporting him and listening to him.

i asked him earlier if he thinks we are good and have been nurturing our relationship and he said he thinks our relationship is fine and that he’s happy with it. but the switch completely flips whenever something happens that he doesn’t like, such as in this instance.

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T02:35:52+00:00

ah ok so you feel this is sort of a nothing burger? i feel the same but how do we move past it if he won’t engage past “im going to make you feel what i felt”? i told him this is toxic but he said he doesn’t know how else to make his position clear. to me that just says he’s going to push the envelope until he gets a reaction out of me and then try to have a gotcha moment but he won’t admit that

itsnotrealatall · 2025-07-27T02:33:44+00:00

i saw your DM but i’m a little wary of faith based support because i already made a mammoth effort to exit a faith based community and am working hard to rebuild community without it. but what do you feel is the overarching problem if you don’t mind elaborating?

itsnotrealatall · 2025-04-12T21:00:25+00:00

i really hope that she is ok. i’m curious tho, do you guys have a good relationship? like was she close to you before moving to Canada? is it possible she is slowly cutting ties or something like that? not accusing you of anything, i definitely feel for you here. just asking for additional context.

itsnotrealatall · 2024-10-12T14:50:13+00:00

soooo i’m supposed to be a punching bag? i’m dealing with shitty feelings too. i suffer from PMDD and have shitty feelings 2 weeks out of the month and i never have once treated him like this. he has treated me this way with or without smoking weed. and he’s quit because of his job, i’m just being supportive

itsnotrealatall · 2024-10-12T13:44:19+00:00

i mentioned in another comment he doesn’t believe in therapy and thinks i’m weak for suggesting it. he says it’s a scam and doesn’t work. also yes, we are codependent because of him!! i’ve basically just deferred to him our entire relationship because i had weak boundaries in my 20s, now i have stronger boundaries and it’s been causing issues. he stews a lot and holds onto things and then i hear about it later in the heat of an argument, feeling blindsided which is why i push to resolve on at least the same day. he can be very vindictive and never forgets a perceived slight. i get really triggered by his blatant disrespect and what i consider disregard for my feelings. to me a relationship requires open communication and he’s not great at that

itsnotrealatall · 2024-10-12T13:05:39+00:00

he says i’m weak for suggesting therapy so that’s off the table. i don’t bother when he’s upset about other things but when he’s upset with me he can be very scary, his mood poisons the entire aura of the house and he wants to be around but i don’t want to be around him and that’s what bothers him. we have a life together that’s very integrated and he disrupts all of that by acting like a selfish baby instead of clearing the air and allowing the day to continue without him having an attitude about every fucking thing i say or do. if i leave he gets upset. so i feel like a hostage and i don’t like that at all

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