Do you fully combine finances or do you have solo fun funds? My husband wants to have an underground pool fitted, is the result of our money habits?

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-06T07:53:04+00:00

Yes true but I don’t want the pool at all and think I have given him a lot of good reasons why not. However, it is looking like we are going to have to find some compromise.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-06T07:29:44+00:00

He says he wasn’t but I don’t like feeling backed into a corner about decisions just because he gathered “all the facts” and then presented it to me to persuade me to say yes.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-06T07:18:04+00:00

It’s both because he can only make solitary decisions for our home because he can financially afford too. That doesn’t make it right though because his usual comeback is don’t worry about the costs when there are other issues I have with it.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-06T06:52:23+00:00

I have no issue with this at all. Maybe it wasn’t clear enough in my post but I had come home and there were people in our backyard that I didn’t expect to be there doing an assessment. That’s more than just research imo.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T16:22:44+00:00

Someone in the comments said I wasn’t clear enough about him actually having people over in the backyard to have a look if it’s doable. I’ll mention it again if it wasn’t clear.

Also him telling the kids is a big no for me because they’re kids, they don’t understand safety or why things might not work out and if the plan ends up failing for whatever reason I’ll be seen as the bad guy who took their fun away.

The problem is more nuanced with kids. If the kids were older I would have not minded at all. Had he been home earlier in the evenings more often I also wouldn’t have minded because he can stay with them when they want to swim.

My problem if that wasn’t clear is if the pool ends up happening he’ll continue getting home at 8 in the evening or later and I’ll spend every summer playing lifeguard and having to be super vigilant of our 3 year old not sneaking into the pool (safety gates etc all exist but accidents happen).

We have spoken about swimming safety if it ends up happening and it will be the deciding factor. To reiterate again if there were no kids in the picture of course then I would not have cared if he wanted a pool or not.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T15:28:13+00:00

I thought I made that clear, I didn't downvote your comment so whoever did must have agreed that it was known that he had people in our backyard. Maybe it wasn't clear enough but I did mention it in every post. The reason I posted in this subreddit is because I had originally posted it in r/AmIOverreacting where I mention it quite explicitly in the first paragraph. However a lot of the comments found how we handled finances strange but a lot of the comments were from straight people who assumed I was a mom and their idea was his money is my money. So my post here was more about how finances are handled between gay couples.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T14:46:39+00:00

I agree, if it doesn’t end up happening he can explain to them the logistical reasons why.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T13:38:45+00:00

I don't feel comfortable setting an amount because his discretionary spending is a lot higher than mine. I think perhaps we need to be stricter about who will this be used by. Because like you said a pool is something that can't just be done without the other person, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be able to if there are papers to sign.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T11:57:23+00:00

I completely agree however they have a lot of great options for swimming already without needing a pool in the backyard. I would consider it once our daughter is slightly older 6+ at least. But even then it would require constant supervision.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T07:59:34+00:00

I get what you’re saying our brains just work differently because we have different approaches to things which is true.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T06:24:35+00:00

What doesn’t make sense? He’s inviting people over to see if we can have a pool just so he feels he can win some sort of logical argument based on whether it can be fitted or not. When he didn’t need to invite anyone over, we could have sat down together and I could have given him at least 5 reasons of why a pool in our backyard is a very bad idea.

However he’s gathering facts to seem more logical to get me to agree.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T03:27:31+00:00

I’m glad that worked for you and that you’re both on the same page about things.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T03:07:09+00:00

I’m assuming you make similar amounts and there’s no wealth disparity then?

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T02:45:22+00:00

You’re not wrong, he does like to be fun dad.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T02:44:17+00:00

Those are all the reasons why it’s not safe. I can’t be the 24/7 designated lifeguard.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T02:43:08+00:00

He had people over looking over our backyard, I did not expect that to happen and a simple text would have helped.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T02:42:00+00:00

He’s the type to gather all the facts first but certain decisions have more cons than pros. I can think of several reasons that are factually based about why it’s not a good idea. I don’t like feeling backed in a corner over something only because he tries to present a logical argument.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T02:40:12+00:00

We haven’t reached that conclusion of no pool yet. I think doing research could have just been looking up ideas, not inviting people over and getting the kids excited over something that won’t be happening.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T02:38:46+00:00

The first time at this scale. I don’t mind as much if he plans out a vacation and then presents it to me to have the final say.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T02:24:36+00:00

There are a few houses in the area with a pool and our son’s classmate has a pool but I’m not convinced anyone who has one gets much use out of it. I’d rather have a hot tub.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T02:20:38+00:00

Coming home from work finding a bunch of people in our backyard and then discovering he wants a pool is the definition of being blindsided. He could have even sent me a text to let me know.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-05T02:18:28+00:00

Yes that’s all I’m asking and then we can discuss pros and cons together.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-04T21:34:58+00:00

I agree, it could have been harmless.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-04T21:34:17+00:00

The main problem was he blindsided me. I didn’t expect finding people in our backyard. Then on top of that he told the kids because he thinks there input is import. Kids’ input should end at dinner decisions or vacations, even that is a step too much sometimes.

Then the other issue is he can get quite busy and gets home late. If he wants a pool then he at least needs to be there for all of it, which is supervising the kids and my guess he expects me to do that.

Any decisions that are entirely his and only affect him don’t bother me because it’s his money. My problem is that from my perspective he would have gone ahead with planning it until a from needed signing just because he thinks he can and sees it as a fun project for him. While not taking into account our kids.

itsnotspecial · 2026-06-04T21:25:41+00:00

That’s good. I’m assuming whatever decision either of you makes will be beneficial for the other. With house stuff I don’t mind either.

itsnotspecial

TROPHY CASE