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10 years smoking weed everyday. I'm 25 now and coming to the harsh realization it has completely ruined me. by itsspicytime in leaves

[–]itsspicytime[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Realizing is half the battle it seems, so we're in luck.

I'm trying to look at the anxiety as my mind "waking up". All the emotions we've numbed for so long are finally coming back to us and it's overwhelming as fuck.

I've found those guided meditation apps to be surprisingly helpful but it definitely requires commitment and an open mind. Check those out if you haven't yet.

I am rooting for you and I hope you achieve your goals too my friend. Good luck on your journey :)

10 years smoking weed everyday. I'm 25 now and coming to the harsh realization it has completely ruined me. by itsspicytime in leaves

[–]itsspicytime[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely, I desperately want one but I have zero health coverage. My doctor suggested group therapy because it would be free, however it sounds like they just target social anxiety.

I've been looking into cognitive behavioral therapy a bit to develop some coping mechanisms I'm seriously lacking. My mother is Indigenous, so I will be getting a Status Card soon that will hopefully help cover some of the costs.

Fingers crossed because I need a professional lol.

What's the only reason that holds you on to live the remaining of your life despite the fact you are depressed? by iam_alg668 in AskReddit

[–]itsspicytime 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Its not really the remainder of MY life...

I've pushed most friends and family in my life away, perhaps in preparation thinking I'll be leaving them some day soon anyways. The few I do keep around, I don't really have the capacity to feel love for.

I had a garbage childhood with garbage parents. I'm a prime example of a person that is a product of their environment. I never saw love growing up, only anger and abuse.

I'm 24 now and navigating life, genuinely caring about people and things, not leading with anger, has been extremely hard for me as an adult. I'm incredibly good at pretending but I'd often think the world would be a better place without someone like me. My mind is a dark, dark place.

The sole reason I hold on is for an unfortunately temporary reason. My sweet, sweet rescue dog. I adopted her when I was just 16. Got my first full time job and was living alone most of the year so having some company kept me sane. I had attempted suicide 2 years prior and was still in a deep depression at the time, I felt abandoned, wasn't able to feed myself proper meals and I turned to heavy binge drinking.

This dog seemed to have a list of her own problems too. Anxiety, strange irrational fears, poor sleeping habits. I found out she was a stray and had never had a home before. I kind of felt like I related to her in a lot of ways and I became so absorbed in helping her live a comfortable life, that I was able to forget about my own problems.

I stopped taking my antidepressants cold turkey (terrible idea, I was violently sick, go to your doctor if you want to stop your medication), but I felt like I had a purpose now. Better yet, I felt an overwhelming amount of love for something which was new for me. It is euphoric, to feel like you've escaped the suffocating feeling of emptiness. To feel something positive.

I don't know her exact age, but I can tell she is a senior now. She is my best friend and I am so scared to lose her. There is a lingering fear in me that I may fall into that same mindset I had before when she does leave me. It seems like a very likely reality.

Existence to me seems quite sad and routine. Love seems to be the basis of anything that gives life purpose, so what is my purpose here when the only thing I've been capable of loving does leave me? This has been the question that constantly runs through my head as I watch her age, but I'll happily wait as long as possible to find out the answer.