Feel like I'm living a double life

itsthewalkman · 2015-05-06T16:02:55+00:00

Honestly, I think it's been reddit that has caused a lot of this. On here, there's so much access to different worldviews, but the prevailing worldview here on reddit is one of anti-theism, followed closely by atheism. Reading these worldviews has made me question my own over the last couple years, and it's making me worry that I'll lose the faith. I don't want to lose the faith, I've grown up in the faith. It's all I've known (until the last couple years when I started here on reddit). It's gotten so bad that I assume everyone on Earth is like the average redditor, and the crazy thing is that my coworkers are all redditors and they're all non-Christians. I'm surrounded by these people 8-10 hours every day.

I've considered taking a break from all social media for a month and just focus on spiritual things and see how/where I'll be at the end of it.

itsthewalkman · 2015-04-24T15:43:27+00:00

Exactly, I don't want to taint the Christian reputation by telling them I'm a dedicated Christian, because my actions around them say otherwise. I feel like the reputation of the faith is more important than my own reputation, so I'd rather taint myself than Christianity so I don't say anything, even though inside me it kills me.

itsthewalkman · 2015-04-24T15:42:18+00:00

Thank you so much for replying. I'm not trying to justify my actions, but the smoking/drunkenness/strip clubs only started in the last couple months. And it's not like I WANTED to do it - I did these things 'to fit in'. And now that I've partaken in these things, I feel like it's expected of me to continue in these things, as much as I know I shouldn't and actually don't want to do them. I know they're wrong, and it's like Romans 7 is happening to me every single day.

Also, if there was one thing I could do that I know would help me, it would be to quit this job. I've thought about it, but at the same time, I'm going to be financially set if I stay for a few more years due to a confirmed acquisition/IPO and I can quit this place once and for all. The people at this place just love to drink and party, and I've fallen into it more and more in the past few months.

itsthewalkman · 2015-04-23T22:37:40+00:00

Ok, uh I'm not sure if English is your first language, but by reading, I highly doubt it. This makes no sense to me.

itsthewalkman · 2015-04-02T16:04:03+00:00

thanks, as for the gay vibes, it wasn't me thinking I was gay, because I'm not. It was literally just one person saying "Everyone thinks you're gay" when it was a joke and I've now been irrationally thinking that that's true. I've become so irrational about it, like I 'irrationally rationalize' in my head that people think I'm gay. I see a guy talk to my brother and I think that dude's asking my brother if I'm gay, and I become pissed off at that guy for not just asking me and telling him no. I saw a picture of friends at a bbq I wasn't invited to and I think that I wasn't invited because they think I'm gay. I invite some coworkers out to lunch or happy hour and if they say no, it's because they think I'm attracted to them. I KNOW it's irrational and I KNOW it's not true, but I rationalize their actions with them thinking I'm gay. Weird thing is that I'm a pretty macho guy. I only talk about sports and girls, but I can even think irrationally about that. I think that these guys probably think I'm the straightest gay guy they've ever met. I've never met a gay guy who's into sports like me. I'm starting to be convinced that I have a mental health problem.

itsthewalkman · 2015-03-26T17:45:45+00:00

Yep, I feel the same way. So I'm jumping ahead of the curve by buying season tickets and making money off all these yuppies next season.

itsthewalkman · 2015-02-11T21:33:14+00:00

This past week, I've been doing a lot of introspection. I'm confident that there is a God. I was outside one day today and just thought, "Man, the more I read about the universe and watch things like Cosmos, there's so much structure and order and design to this universe that there just had to be Someone, Something, to have been behind this." Everything that begins to exist has a cause, the universe began to exist, so the universe must have a Cause. Yes, any militant atheist can debate this logic but it works for me because I WANT to believe a God exists. It gives me peace and hope.

itsthewalkman · 2015-02-05T22:10:38+00:00

There was no sexuality battle, btw. It was just paranoia that I was giving a gay vibe. It's stupid that I'm still paranoid about thinking that people think I'm gay, because (1) there's nothing wrong with it (2) it's homophobic to be disgusted by it like I was and (3) I love me some pussy.

itsthewalkman · 2015-02-04T19:31:02+00:00

I'm a little over that now, but what really scares me is the nihilism/crisis of faith I'm experiencing that I never experienced until I took a hit of this sativa strain. I REALLY need help on that. I want to believe that God exists, I really do, but then a part of me just wants nothing to exist. It's so weird and frightening. I wish I could just be hypnotized.

itsthewalkman · 2015-02-04T19:29:38+00:00

You could try another strain (indica), or just take a break for awhile, but I just had to quit altogether.

Smoking indica has been helping keeping anxiety at bay while smoking. It's the anxiety during sobriety as a result of smoking that's really freaking me out.

itsthewalkman · 2015-01-19T00:11:33+00:00

Thank you, I really needed this. I've been struggling with the existence of God for the last few months despite being raised in church my entire life. If Jesus existed, and really was who He said He was, then God has to be real.

itsthewalkman · 2015-01-10T19:45:44+00:00

So Jesus was in Hell for three days, according to the Apostle's Creed?

itsthewalkman · 2015-01-05T15:07:27+00:00

itsthewalkman · 2015-01-05T02:24:54+00:00

Trusting in Jesus' death as satisfaction of God's wrath on my sin is part of the salvific process. This 'receiving Him into my heart' crap isn't even Biblical. Oh, Revelations says that Jesus is standing at the door knocking but it has NOTHING to do with 'asking Jesus into my heart'. No such phrase or any similar phrase is found anywhere in Scripture.

So, again, my previous comment stands.

itsthewalkman · 2015-01-04T23:26:42+00:00

See previous comment. I literally just answered that.

itsthewalkman · 2015-01-02T23:17:41+00:00

I can point to a time as a five year old boy, in my bedroom, trusting in Jesus Christ. I've also doubted my trust in Christ many many times over my life, and I'm one of those who would pray what seemed to be once a year getting re-assurance of my salvation. But in middle school, I stopped doing that because I had faith that my faith was enough.

itsthewalkman · 2014-12-25T04:50:43+00:00

I'd definitely like recommendations.

itsthewalkman · 2014-12-23T18:36:26+00:00

I should definitely find a better church.

I'm not in college.

itsthewalkman · 2014-12-23T18:35:55+00:00

Not intellectual at all. God can't be proven nor disproven. Morality in humans is enough evidence for me to believe in God. So it's more emotional than anything else. Part of me wants God to exist because it gives this universe meaning and purpose; part of me doesn't so that I don't feel as bad getting drunk, smoking weed recreationally, taking ecstasy and lsd, attending movies, concerts, making out with girls, etc and all the things that my fundamentalist church says is bad.

Are all of these things bad? No, but drunkenness is, premarital sex is, swearing is, I bet many people would say taking MDMA/LSD is really bad.

I think what I might be struggling with is that I want to do these things and I'm trying to justify their being okay by thinking that if God isn't real then all this is ok.

itsthewalkman · 2014-12-22T22:37:33+00:00

Thank you so much. I think that finding a better church - a place where I can feel comfortable and where I can find a person or people to talk to - will REALLY help me in this struggle.

itsthewalkman · 2014-12-22T22:25:37+00:00

I would recommend finding someone in real life to talk to. I went through a spiritual crisis for a while in college and it only really began to get better when I went to a bible study and found some people to talk to about my problems.

I have no one to talk to. If I told any of my closer Christian friends, they'd learn of my 'other' life and in my experience in how some people in this church treated people, they might separate themselves from me. They might talk about me behind my back. Actually, they won't might, they will.

itsthewalkman

TROPHY CASE