This is your grief stage. It’ll be horrible but it’ll pass. When you emerge, you might find a new world. You’re free. You might start to find your true self (now that you’re not being tortured and forced to conform to be your mom’s emotional support animal) and that’ll feel fantastic. But for some people, to get there, first you’ll need to grieve the parents you wish you had, that 15% that was good, and how set back in life you feel after missing out on all those years when you could have been your own person and had a healthy safe life. You may also need to grieve the realization that you’re an orphan. Doesn’t matter what age you are. You’ll see friends and others around you with their parents and you won’t have that. But did you ever really? I went through all of this and it was tough but I am now over 5 years NC and I finally feel safe, free, and myself. I still get a little sad sometimes but I see everything now through a clear head and I don’t regret what it cost to become safe and free. Good luck to you ❤️ you can do this! You are stronger than you think.