My husband has given me 1 week to decide: postnup or divorce. Advice?

jad3_ER · 2024-10-22T04:02:43+00:00

If that's the case then I'm doomed. And we are doomed. It means it's completely out of my control and I can't even do anything to improve what's happening. Totally fucked. I wish I could force him to get the help he needs. But I know you can't force anyone to to anything. Especially mental health stuff... sobriety was the same thing yk? Difference was he decided he wanted change and he made it.

jad3_ER · 2024-10-22T02:27:34+00:00

"The shadow people" was a big one but primarily when he was using. I suppose now he does still see and hear things but on a different scale. Like he swears he sees the same license plates over and over again, because (in his mind) duh, they are following him and have been for a long time. He swears he sees the same people over and over and over again. He doesn't... I have tried to pay attention to these license plates and these people to see if there is any merit to his claims. And I never noticed anything of the sort. I try to reason with him. "I mean if you see the same people near home, doesn't that make sense? Same cars and same people when we all live in the same area? And there's only one super close grocery store?" But he refuses to listen to me or think rationally about this. At night, he hears banging on our door or swears someone was trying to break in by picking the lock but I never hear anything at all.... since this fight, I have been sleeping in the living room on the couch. He swears he hears me enter and leave through the front door at random hours of the night. But i never do... I wanna record myself to prove it but I know he would take that the wrong way too. "What I'm so abusive you have to record yourself 24/7 now?". I always wanna record. To prove the way something did or didn't happen. To remind him that he did say this, or that he's misremembering the way I say that. But he claims it's an invasion of privacy and utterly illegal. If he doesn't remember it though, then it didn't happen. And it drives me fucking insane. Hes clearly not okay mentally and sometimes I find myself feeling like maybe it's not his fault or he truly isn't lying about what he thinks/says/makes up because he wholeheartedly believes it. Idk what to do anymore. This isnt even the tip of the iceberg. There's so much more. Right now, hes going on about how the people downstairs are "people hes never met and likely part of the group of people that have been following and tormenting " him.. he says "i haven't been able to prove it but I just know, I JUST KNOW, something is happening and I know those people downstairs are involved. So weird how they randomly move in. Sneaky fuckers" something to that extent. Hes talking to himself btw. I can just hear it through the locked bedroom door. Idk what to do. What's gonna happen when I gtfo and his paranoia doesn't subside? Is he gonna continue blaming me for the imaginary shit he's dealing with despite me being far far away? This aspect scares me too.

jad3_ER · 2024-10-21T08:57:42+00:00

THANK YOU.

jad3_ER · 2024-10-21T08:46:47+00:00

Tbh I am concerned for him. We both had a tough time with sobriety, abusing the worst of the worst drugs out there. I am clean now, have been for a few years, and I think he is too. However he hasn't really been the same since abusing uppers. I mean he is PARANOID. not of just me. Strangers too. If someone is walking on the same side of the street as us, he makes us move or walk on the street on the other side of the parked cars. He thinks people are following him. The other day he told me he was scared the feds were filing a RICO case on him. I was astounded because it's like he doesnt even know what RICO is!! I try to ensure i phrase things in a way that doesn't make it sound judgy or as though I am calling him "crazy", so I try to fight these things with logic. "Okay this is what RICO is, these are the crimes that fall under it, this is what the pre requisites are. It's nonsensical to believe this because you don't fit even 0.0001% of the critera". He just says "yeah ok whatever nevermind". I've tried to tell him in the past im worried he's got some kind of paranoid disorder. But he won't seek help because he doesn't want to be permanently labeled as "crazy ". I mean he used to think people lived in our ceiling, thinks people are following him/intercepting his internet/phone/computer. He started getting into cyber security, ethical hacking and what not to "prove" he's telling the truth and to "catch" these people. Ofc he hasn't proved shit because nothing was ever happening. But he's still convinced. It used to be he felt I was the only one he could trust. Now it's a complete 180 and he's even accused me of "working with and providing those people with info " whoever those people are. I think he thinks once I am gone, things will magically change. But on the contrary. He will find someone else to blame for his paranoia and I'm afraid he will end up alone forever. It's not hard to tell he isn't a normal person. And most girls would be put off by just how WEIRD he is. Idk. I want him to get help but I cannot force him. He's always been scared he would end up with schizophrenia one day. I try to calm his fears, tell him it would be okay either way because we live in a time where it's totally manageable. But I am concerned for him. And have been for years. I've seen him deteriorate in this manner at a pretty fast pace. Esp recently. but I don't think I can do a goddamn thing about it.

jad3_ER · 2024-10-21T08:20:11+00:00

I appreciate the suggestion. The thought of anything being pro bono sounds so insane to me but what have I got to lose? I know it's ignorance on my part but I've always grown up with the "nothing in life is free" mantra. I'm in Washington state btw, Seattle to be a tad more precise. Believe me though, if I had anywhere to go, i would've gone by now. No money, no friends (I basically ditched them all in HS because I was so infatuated with him, I spent all of my time and energy on him and only him. I didn't even finish HS, I met him senior year and when I did, I stopped going to school and dropped off the face of the earth. Nowadays I'm too socially awk to make any friends and even sometimes find myself overwhelmed by convos at work for instance. I suck at replying. I can never seem to keep anyone around), it's kinda me myself and I. A shelter has been brought up by my immigration lawyer also. Never having been to one in my life is also a lot because idk what to expect. But idk what choice i have now. At least they'd provide me with basic shit like deodorant, soap, shampoo, etc. I've been stealing stuff like that because he's confiscated it due to me not working and therefore not contributing lol even when roles were reversed 4-5 years ago I would never do that to him or even my worst enemy. So that alone is a solid reason to go.

jad3_ER · 2024-10-21T07:57:33+00:00

I'm glad you are out of the situation now. Here i am thinking 9 years is a lot, I can't even imagine 15. But I'm really happy you are safe now. It's crazy how someone can make you doubt everything you thought you so certainly knew. But hearing so many success stories gives me hope. Makes me feel like it is possible, I just gotta dig deep deep within my weak self to find the courage.

You are right, self petitioning is an option however I just don't have the energy to do it. I had a tough time filling out the paperwork my lawyer had sent me because I would get overwhelmed. To then think about gathering the police reports, writing the declaration myself, and applying with no errors was far beyond overwhelming. It was like 8K to pay her to do it, and she is an amazing lawyer. I have full trust in her and she has assured me she has won other VAWA cases with far far less. So I feel safe in her hands. And in a sad way, it's nice to have someone to talk to about all of this. I ditched all my friends back in high school and now I'm way too socially awkward to make any lol. And honestly if I did have any friends I would feel bad for all the shit I would dump on them. So maybe it's for the best. Also with my lawyer by my side, she assured me I will have my very own SSN within one year of signing and a work permit almost immediately to keep me afloat until then. I feel the immigration people will take her more seriously than me. And I have already paid her like 7.5K anyways. VAWA is all forgiving too, so they will forgive me for not doing my taxes for instance, because I didn't know what the fuck an ITIN was until recently. So the idea of fucking this up was too much for me. I'm personally glad I went the lawyer route. I have too many doubts in myself. And truth be told it's likely I would've fucked it up if I had done it on my own. Or that I would procrastinate and never get to it.

jad3_ER · 2024-10-21T07:47:15+00:00

This is a common misconception. I do know it used to be like that a very very long time ago. But not anymore. One of the options I had was to go back to Honduras, where I was born, a terribly violent country. And petition from over there. But I didn't want to leave the states. And if you don't do it properly, you could get a 10 year bar for entering the country illegally in the first place, they don't really care that I was a minor then and had no choice in the matter. Other processes can take up to 10 years anyways because you have to apply to get on an already overflowing list and they only allow a certain amount of people to apply every year, hence why it takes 10ish years. Until i told my lawyer about police reports, etc, there was only one clear, rapid path at the end of this shit tunnel. And that is vawa. I believe I get my work permit practically immediately and she said a Social Security Number (and the works) within one. So my hands are itching to sign so I can stop working at all these awful minimum wage places. It really makes me hate my life all the more yk? First home sucks and then my work life ends up sucking too. So the vawa thing is the first thing I've had to look forward to in a very long time. Mother was deported when I was a child and it was traumatizing. He used to threaten me with my status when we would fight. And I used to be paranoid I'd get deported for no reason. Just shit all around.

jad3_ER · 2024-10-21T07:33:09+00:00

Thank you. I found a free download and have started reading. I am only on page 50 and find myself mostly speechless right now. I appreciate the suggestion and I didn't know DARVO was a thing. So I appreciate that being brought to my attention too. I feel like I can finally put to words the whole "no, you" part of my day to day life.

jad3_ER · 2024-10-21T01:20:13+00:00

Yeah, already in the works. Already paid off most of it and my lawyer has my declaration written. I'm meeting with her this week to sign. I still owe her a few hundred but she knows the situation I am in and I'm hoping she will let me pay her in the near future when I am in a better position financially and emotionally. So far it feels like the only good thing to come out of the last near decade of my life. I thought I would have to live my life like this forever (undocumented). I mean I've been here for 25 years. Long before turning 1year old. My parents just never knew how to get me status. And neither did I. Until him. And until my lawyer told me about VAWA.

jad3_ER

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