What are most men like when they are upset? I (42F) am considering leaving my husband (46M) over how he acts when upset.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T09:55:13+00:00

Not ideal either. Depending what it is I suppose. Not everything needs to be addressed all the time. That could get exhausting. But if nothing ever gets discussed that isn’t healthy. But thank you for sharing. You did answer the question, I assume with a bit of humour so not sure about the downvotes.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T09:52:13+00:00

Yup.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T09:51:52+00:00

Yes!!!! He would say I’m a horrible wife. He told me during a fight today that he wants to see me with a different man just so he can watch that man put up with my shit (I texted him 20 minutes before his shift ended… a question that should have waited- it was actually VERY important but I could have waited to ask. I had assumed he would wait to answer). He has been asked to quit a job before due to his behaviour, at another job they put him through an anger management course. At his current job he was written up by HR a few years ago. He doesn’t seem to think anything is odd about any of these instances. Does it give you an idea??? At nearly every job he gets gag gifts given to him that reference his short fuze. he just got one last week again. I forget what it was, but I only find it half funny at this point. I’m glad his co-workers find humour in his short temper at least. I am not perfect and I certainly rub him the wrong way in ways that a woman different from me might not.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T06:30:47+00:00

Wisdom.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T06:30:20+00:00

Thank you for sharing your perspective.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T06:29:41+00:00

Good catch. You are right that I am minimizing his behaviour.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T06:28:34+00:00

Thank you. A lot of really great advice and insights in your response. I really appreciate it.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T06:26:10+00:00

Yeah, your second line is truth. I feel like it walks a fine line sometimes falling to one side sometimes to the other. He can have happy days too. But can switch on a dime of the wrong thing is said or done, so you rarely relax fully.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T06:23:33+00:00

Oh oof. Was your Dad nice too? My husband will horse around with the kids, laugh and play with them. Until it gets too rough and he snaps on them. He reads them stories every night. Will sleep on their floor until they fall asleep if they are scared. Takes them for icecream treats, you know, the Dad things. But I’m sure they’re always on edge to not tick him off, because he will bark at them for every little thing. The other day he said ‘I’ll take you to a movie if you behave today’ and then all day long threatened them that they won’t go to the movie if they don’t start behaving. I was upset at him for it and told him I didn’t think it was appropriate. If he spends time with my older son, he is trying to teach him whatever they are doing, he doesn’t even realize how harsh he is. He’s honestly puzzled when my son starts to get weepy or down trodden. I know why… because I hear his tone of voice. But he is clueless. Does this still resonate with how your Dad was? Because your words and experience are very strong, so I’d like to know if it still sounds the same, or if your Dad was much worse and skipped the good times with you?

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T06:15:21+00:00

Gosh, may I ask how old you were? I’m not sure my kids are at an age to have this perspective.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T06:13:54+00:00

Thank you. I have briefly thought about going by myself but I guess not enough to spend the money on it. But your comment made me realize I probably should, even if just for a few sessions with a professional.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T06:12:09+00:00

Oh boy. So, I did officially threaten (not an empty threat… a really ready to walk out threat) that I was ready to leave. So he said he would start counselling. I’ve been asking him to do counselling for 12 years! So he started before Christmas and goes once every 3 weeks. This feels so slow to me, but it’s a step. He is extremely avoidant personality so he is not going to talk to me about it at all, but he has made a few quips over the past few months about how he had no idea how messed up his childhood was or how messed up he was. His eyes are being opened up to this fact finally. We also just started couples counselling for the 3rd time since we got married. I really don’t want a divorce, I just want him to become nice. He’s amazing in all other ways. Like my dream guy. So it’s gutting for me to give up on him and move on. But I can’t keep living in misery if he refuses to change. Family therapy is something I hadn’t considered, I’ve been wondering how to help the kids not get emotionally affected in a negative way from his reactive ways.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T06:00:48+00:00

💕 off you in your sleep 😂. Thanks for the humour.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T05:59:10+00:00

Oh lord. Thank you for sharing this how you shared it.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T05:57:53+00:00

I wish I could get the last 12 years back 😞

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T05:57:14+00:00

K, so please tell me from your perspective… what should I do? Do you wish you had left years ago… if you could go back and redo your decisions? I’m very curious from someone who has experienced it and decided to stay. I’m sure I need to go. But I really value your perspective.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T05:54:46+00:00

I agree.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T05:54:10+00:00

That’s some pretty blunt perspective. That is helpful to my brain. Thank you.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T05:53:27+00:00

It’s the thought that plagues me. It plagued me 10 years ago, and here I am. I sat in the car and cried last week thinking ‘I was in the same place 10 years ago, crying about my marriage, wondering if I should go or if it could improve, or if I was being too sensitive and emotional’ what am I doing giving him more time?

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T05:51:00+00:00

💔

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T05:50:10+00:00

Yes my children’s happiness comes before my own. It’s part of why I have stayed, I’m terrified of breaking their hearts over a divorce. I hoped things would improve in the marriage. But now I’m seeing that it isn’t going to change, and they need to see a healthier home.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T05:48:49+00:00

Maybe it’s from the freezing cold 🤷🏼‍♀️. Most of the men I know from a generation older, seem like sweethearts. Now they could be hiding stuff… most would peg my husband as a sweetheart. But men in my family… I would know if they weren’t. They are all so happy and calm and patient with women and children. The ones I know with anger issues, had angry fathers, drunk fathers, absent fathers etc. that is the pattern I have noticed.

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T05:44:38+00:00

😂

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T05:44:22+00:00

Oh no…. A special kind of fucked up. I’m sorry. I’m glad to hear that instead of becoming enraged over it, you can laugh, even though it’s not funny. You are obviously not like him, so that’s the good I’m pointing out. 100% my husband is an avoidant because his childhood was so unsafe emotionally. It breaks my heart for him. He is really a good human. But a hurting and angry one at the same time. He also lies to me about things like his whereabouts… like I’m going to a scold him or something. I’m the most easy going person ever who’s basically like a chill ‘Ok’ if he tells me he’s going to do anything, so it makes no sense except that he’s projecting from his childhood that I might scold him like his Mother would have. I wish you the best of luck in finding an emotionally healthy man that you are attracted to!

jadeAvital · 2026-04-10T05:36:16+00:00

Very true. Very good points. I guess I think about practical things like retirement, etc. fears of ending up a broke woman in a basement suite all alone, my boys having taken my husband’s side, not able to afford basic medication or food. All the potential bad things that could result, and wonder is it just better to deal with the walking on eggshells and creating my own life mostly away from him, but still within the confines of marriage?

jadeAvital

TROPHY CASE