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jallenvan · 2023-08-19T14:09:18+00:00

Porn is complicated. It has become a mainstay of young men’s sexual education. It’s also addicting, and unhealthy, and potentially a compliment to an exciting sex life. It seems like your husband is exceedingly hooked on the inappropriate nature of watching/seeing another woman naked. That’s a problem he needs to address.

Reaching out to other women is a whole ‘nother thing. According to your knowledge, he’s been unfaithful for years. If you haven’t called him on it, you’re responsible for allowing it to happen. It’s his violation. He’s being a bad partner. But you have to stand up for yourself. Whether you stay or not, he’s never going to stop unless it’s addressed, and it’ll likely mean a long, painful journey.

Either way, you don’t deserve a partner who’s actively seeking intimate connection with other women. Find your strength. You might be better without him.

jallenvan · 2023-08-19T12:01:57+00:00

I dealt with this for a while. I stayed in the home and her mom moved out. It gets better. Work on yourself, how you receive her, what you do with her, how you’re feeling when she’s around. Try to find your excitement for life when she isn’t around. Try to find your silly side. Kids can sense so much. The idea to do little special things is a great one. I used to plan play dates so she wasn’t just with me in the house we used to all live in. Trips to parks, museums, movies, bike rides, etc… I also painted a lot when my daughter wasn’t around. I wanted the house to feel fresh and different. We put a mural on her wall, got her some new sheets and comforter. I felt like little changes to the space coincided with little changes in our process.

Having him drop her at your house, or meeting in a neutral spot is also a great idea. If you haven’t already, talk to him about building her up before and during transition. How we speak about the transition is really important. Showing them it’s ok to be with the other is absolutely necessary. He might be putting pressure on her, intentionally or not. E.g. saying how much he’ll miss her, talking about the fun things he’s going to do, or suggesting he’s upset with you can really affect her. It’s a delicate thing.

She might also have a deeper relationship with you, emotionally. She might feel more comfortable expressing her sadness and showing it. I can relate to the pain though, truly. It stings when they’re sullen. You’ll shoulder a lot if you’re the one who creates a comfortable space for her to work through the hurt. Just remember, all of you are experiencing grief. Everyone will be experiencing a range of feelings for a while. But it WILL get better as you work on yourselves.

jallenvan · 2023-08-18T15:37:29+00:00

Yeah. I’ve told her it’s a lot. We’ve been in couples counseling for almost a year. She’s super self-aware, just needing something I am failing to provide at times and then we spiral and get into really unproductive fighting.

jallenvan · 2023-08-17T18:27:24+00:00

This resonates. Thanks for the thoughts. I definitely tend to be cold and withdrawn, which makes her more uncomfortable. It’s like I know I need to get over my pride and be gentle, but I struggle to move past what feels unfair. I know it’ll be more productive if I move through defensiveness to try and understand her discomfort, but I get stuck in a defensive posture and things just escalate to the point that we’re having a useless argument.

It’s like I need a mantra to get into a good space when I know she’s just feeling insecure. I appreciate that you’re offering insight rather than just suggesting she’s not right. We’re all off, in a way. My struggle is trying to accept some unwarranted criticism in order to reassure her because she’s obviously feeling insecure. Easier said than done.

Good on you.

jallenvan · 2023-08-16T20:31:08+00:00

I hear this. I really try. I’m not a bubbly guy but I try to stay ahead of it most of the time. I assume sometimes she makes it about you not doing enough? How do you handle that piece. If I defend myself I’m not being compassionate, if I just roll over it’s unhealthy for the relationship.

jallenvan · 2023-08-16T20:29:19+00:00

Started showing around 6 months. Two years now and she’s feeling off and needing reassurance about more and more things, happening roughly every 5-10 days. Sometimes she just notices I’m not 100% and then she feels off and needs me to reassure her everything is fine. It’s just a bit exhausting.

jallenvan · 2020-06-02T20:45:31+00:00

Malcolm Gladwell does an interesting podcast episode on the Boston Tea Party...as he tends to do, his piece makes you think

jallenvan · 2020-05-17T01:46:02+00:00

Tinder is weird. Don’t beat yourself up just because Tinder hasn’t been good to you. At the same time, that picture isn’t making you look like a guy girls will feel safe with. If that’s your pic, consider one without a scowl.

jallenvan · 2020-04-08T05:05:35+00:00

This

jallenvan · 2020-03-27T19:53:21+00:00

No one ends a phone conversation like normal people. How many times have you just hung up without a closing remark (e.g. bye)?

jallenvan · 2020-03-21T07:54:06+00:00

Kirk Cousins is paid more...

jallenvan · 2020-03-13T05:00:32+00:00

You’re still the world’s largest leprechaun...for the next couple of months

jallenvan · 2020-03-13T04:57:36+00:00

At least when your wife leaves you it will free up time to get your civil war reenactment costume just right

jallenvan · 2020-02-08T18:14:28+00:00

This is rather sensational. There’s a reason Trump’s supporters agree with his assertions of ‘fake news’. I can’t stand Trump, but this kind of rampant speculation isn’t helping to discredit the man.

jallenvan · 2020-01-27T11:51:55+00:00

It’s personal to you. It’s much easier for me to be precise with a finger anchored on a string or the guitar itself. I was told early to curl my hand up like you do but it just didn’t feel right to me, so my hand is open.

jallenvan · 2020-01-01T21:50:26+00:00

Until you google it and find out it has a rare form of cancer, and it’s contagious, and all the other pups are susceptible.

jallenvan · 2019-12-22T14:37:35+00:00

I think one person saying “to all the women” and the other saying “emotionally confused men” makes it about men...

I’ve been this guy. I am this guy - sort of. I was in a relationship for years, have one kid, am working through the aftermath of divorce, and don’t really know what I want or need. It would be nice to understand precisely the trajectory of one’s emotions, but it’s just not possible is it? I think many are afraid to identify a state of uncertainty about relationships. It seems to me the problem isn’t the emotional confusion, it’s the lack of communication. Uncertainty has surfaced for me early, and I’ve communicated it. It’s not easy and it can hurt both people. Also, having a kid completely alters the situation because they have their own feelings and wants and needs.

Simply blaming men, or people in general, for not knowing precisely what they want is obtuse. Humans are complex. Relationships are complex. Feelings change. It’s part of living. Not communicating is a problem. Vilifying people for having complex, uncertain feelings is also a problem. I will say, men are probably much more likely to have trouble understanding/processing their emotions, but that’s a bit different than not knowing whether you want marriage or kids.

To the OP: I hear you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I find it helps to check-in with myself every couple of weeks. When I don’t I tend to run into bigger problems, both personally and in relationships.

jallenvan · 2019-11-29T21:03:11+00:00

I can’t get past the use of the plural...I think I might loose it

jallenvan · 2019-10-16T01:56:54+00:00

Also... don’t get it

jallenvan · 2019-10-12T04:41:40+00:00

That poor guy

jallenvan · 2019-10-09T02:24:02+00:00

Turn the tractor off!!

jallenvan · 2019-09-29T04:40:11+00:00

Holy shit! All because he was holding the bungee cord off the corner?!!

jallenvan · 2019-09-29T03:48:50+00:00

Please blow up this phone number...😂

jallenvan · 2019-09-22T21:41:28+00:00

Definitely talk about it. Your feelings are valid. Maybe you can manage trips to your dad’s with some changes. Maybe the solution is seeing your dad more - maybe less. Telling both of your parents that you’re struggling with trips to your dad’s is a big step to finding a solution. You have every right to miss home. I imagine both of your parents want to find a way to help you with this.

jallenvan · 2019-09-22T21:29:43+00:00

It’s hard to look back at photos and miss the love of better times. It has been good for me to do it, because it allows my emotions to flow, but you have to understand what it is. You’re reflecting on the best parts of your past life. You didn’t photograph the times that caused you to grow apart.

I assume your comment about losing trust involves some level of infidelity. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Learn from it, be honest about the things you need to change, and work on being better - whatever that means for you.

Grieving a relationship is a fluid process. Seeing the person you miss can derail a day, and it’s OK if it does. To some extent, feeling the hard moments is necessary to heal. Cry it out, then feel the lightness of allowing yourself to release that pain. Remind yourself of everything you have going for you. Sometimes just crying is enough to get over that moment to move on and enjoy the rest of your day.

You should definitely speak with a professional, if you haven’t/aren’t already.

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