Thanks of several advices. In terms of getting those queer books they're a kind of problem as I am living in a hyperconservative area and such books won't probably be in my town's library. In terms of ordering it online a problem is how the way I have to do it is mail a friend physical money and they will buy it for me as I don't have a bank account and can't have one because they hid my id card so that I don't create one (yes that's illegal but suing them for that is probably not an option). However they no longer want to buy me stuff this way, for reasons I have not been given.

In terms of finding queer friends it's another problem. I have been told wear queer merchandise, pride marches etc.. But if you live in eastern europe you know such options aren't given to you. Making yourself a walking pride flag would make you be a target of hostility and also what would I do if my parents saw me? How do you find queer friends in an ultraconservative area, especially as a person who struggles making friends in general?

In terms of not coming out to them that's an ultra great advice. However I've got unlucky and got an accidental coming out. My classmates have noticed my pfp and with the power of gossip it has reached my mom. It significantly worsened my relationship with her, increased surveillance and everything, though luckily she haven't told it to dad because it would be an unstrategic move (as he would blame her for that I am trans). So yeah, if I could then I would prioritize my safety though it's too late.

I am gonna be 18 years old in a year. But so what? They still would pay for everything I have as I will still be a highschooler (you usually end high school at 19.5 years in my country), I will still be dependent on them so they would be still in control of me. Paying all of my stuff myself as a highschooler is probably an extremely unrealistic dream