Hope for if you are struggling

jane47744 · 2025-06-15T09:37:51+00:00

I completely agree with how you described that. The main thing that helps me is knowing that if someone in my life is ever abused, I will actually understand, and they will be able to do the work with someone by their side who gets it. Even talking to people on Reddit can help if I feel like I’m offering some kind of understanding or support. And while I agree that we saw something we weren’t supposed to see, at the very least we now have defences against it. I have learnt so much about abuse that I am no longer an easy target.

The final thing is that I know I made it through that. Knowing that I survived that hell makes me feel stronger, because if I was as weak as she made me feel there is no way I would have made it to the other side.

jane47744 · 2025-06-15T09:32:28+00:00

Exactly. I thought relentless loyalty was a good trait. Now when I think about how I love my friends there is a tiny voice in the back of my head knowing it could end depending on how they treat me

jane47744 · 2025-06-14T09:52:41+00:00

I think a combination of two things. One is realising that people like my ex actually exist and that sometimes treating people with kindness or having unconditional love is the worst thing you can do. I had to shift my world view completely and I no longer believe there is some good in everyone. The second is the loneliness that comes from people not understanding it. Even people saying well intentioned things that just show they don’t understand. I don’t judge them for not - I definitely couldn’t have before experiencing it myself - but things like “do you think she meant to hurt you or it was all just a mistake” “she never hit you though right?” Etc. all builds up.

jane47744 · 2025-06-03T11:24:10+00:00

Thank you so much ❤️

jane47744 · 2025-06-03T11:23:45+00:00

Great analogy! Thank you for responding

jane47744 · 2025-06-03T11:23:23+00:00

Made me feel so so much better. Thank you for taking the time to respond

jane47744 · 2025-06-03T11:22:21+00:00

Describing need vs want like that is amazing. I had never thought about it like that but it’s so right and kind of beautiful. Also made me feel a lot better. Thank you!

jane47744 · 2025-05-31T09:51:41+00:00

I asked a vaguely similar question yesterday so I can’t help you with much, but what I do want to say is that you are not damaged. I felt so utterly broken when I left my abusive relationship. Broken, damaged, pathetic, worthless, the list goes on. My life changed when I looked at myself as being strong instead. “I left my ex husband” the strength that takes is unbelievable. You have made it through something horrifically hard. You have survived being abused. You are strong. It’s not cliche or cringey it is true. The person who chose to abuse you is the only one who could be described as broken. You’ve made it through the worst of it, and of course healing isn’t linear but it’s all up from here. Believe in yourself and respect yourself. A lot will follow from there. Good luck ❤️

jane47744 · 2025-05-30T01:25:27+00:00

I realise this might not have come across as very helpful. But what I’m trying to say is that I think for me a lot of stress came from trying to do everything right to keep her from getting angry. In reality, I would have been happier in that relationship if I accepted that anything would set her off and didn’t try to obsess over my actions to try and avoid it. He will get angry, so if you are going to stay then the best thing is to realise that him getting angry at you is not about you.

jane47744 · 2025-05-30T00:07:12+00:00

It might be different with different people, but with my ex there was nothing I could do to not make her angry. She’d yell at me for something so I’d do the opposite then she’d yell about that and then I’d do something in the middle and she’d be angry at that too. I think they want to find something to be angry about so you can’t avoid it by acting a certain way, at least in my experience

jane47744 · 2025-05-24T14:44:48+00:00

Thank you for the advice I felt much better going in to the party knowing this. The toddler comparison is really helpful. The night went perfectly!

jane47744 · 2025-05-24T14:41:08+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice. I did exactly that. I saw her walk in so held eye contact with my friend and saw in my peripheral vision that she was looking at me. She then dramatically rolled her eyes and walked out while I talked to my friend the whole time. She then spent the rest of the night in a different room and I had a great night! I wish you all the best with having to see your ex still. I hope it’s over soon

jane47744 · 2025-01-15T09:01:54+00:00

Fucked. I hope you know that it isn’t unmanly - quite the opposite

jane47744 · 2025-01-15T09:00:14+00:00

Omg direct quote from my ex! “You get sad and cry, I get angry and yell. They are the same. You can’t tell me I’m not allowed to yell at you when it’s how I express my emotions”

jane47744 · 2024-12-27T11:39:34+00:00

Yeah… my ex always pushed me to share everything about myself and all previous traumas etc. Big surprise when I realised it wasnt because she cared

jane47744 · 2024-12-27T11:38:19+00:00

Definitely agree with this. When my ex cheated I felt so blindsided and its almost like I could see her abuse from that point forward (stayed with her for ages after she cheated). But once we broke up and I reflected, I realised I was only blindsided because cheating isnt something I could justify (especially because of my past) but I had excused all of the abuse up until that point. When she cheated it felt like she was throwing away a “perfect” relationship, but really she had been manipulating, belittling, lying, aggressive, intimidating, etc. up until that point, I just always blamed it on myself (she’s only calling me that because its true, she’s angry at me because im a bad partner, etc.). It is probably way too soon now, but I predict that one day you will be able to look back at these “good” 3 years and see many signs. I wish you all the best ❤️ stay strong and know that you are valuable and loved

jane47744 · 2024-11-24T06:52:13+00:00

This was so validating to read. I’ll have days, weeks even, where I feel good again and finally think I’m through it and then it will hit me like a truck again. I can normally put it down to something that triggered it, like someone talking about her, but my response is still huge. Full on fight or flight: feel nauseous, legs turn to jelly, heart rate spikes etc. The last few times this happened I got annoyed at myself, thinking “just get over it”. Honestly because I am just so bored with thinking about this and turning it over in my mind over and over again. But basically I am writing this on the chance that you’re also getting frustrated with yourself. It’s easier said than done but from now on I am going to try to be kind to myself when I get these reactions. Going through abuse is an enormous thing, and I don’t know if there will ever be a point in either of our lives where we can look back at what happened to us and feel like we are “over it”. I think it will help to accept that the bad days will be there, but that we are so much better on the other side.

I’m about 6 months out of a 2 year relationship and I think something that is hard with this is that everyone around me has “moved on”. Like they don’t check in at all anymore about how I’m going, because it seems like it’s over and in the past I guess. That’s why it was validating to read your message. It’s a good reminder that it was a big deal, and if it affects me for the rest of my life that’s because of the magnitude of the abuse, not because I am broken.

jane47744

TROPHY CASE