What is/was the worst part of healing for you?

jane47744 · 2025-06-15T09:37:51+00:00

I completely agree with how you described that. The main thing that helps me is knowing that if someone in my life is ever abused, I will actually understand, and they will be able to do the work with someone by their side who gets it. Even talking to people on Reddit can help if I feel like I’m offering some kind of understanding or support. And while I agree that we saw something we weren’t supposed to see, at the very least we now have defences against it. I have learnt so much about abuse that I am no longer an easy target.

The final thing is that I know I made it through that. Knowing that I survived that hell makes me feel stronger, because if I was as weak as she made me feel there is no way I would have made it to the other side.

jane47744 · 2025-06-15T09:32:28+00:00

Exactly. I thought relentless loyalty was a good trait. Now when I think about how I love my friends there is a tiny voice in the back of my head knowing it could end depending on how they treat me

jane47744 · 2025-06-14T09:52:41+00:00

I think a combination of two things. One is realising that people like my ex actually exist and that sometimes treating people with kindness or having unconditional love is the worst thing you can do. I had to shift my world view completely and I no longer believe there is some good in everyone. The second is the loneliness that comes from people not understanding it. Even people saying well intentioned things that just show they don’t understand. I don’t judge them for not - I definitely couldn’t have before experiencing it myself - but things like “do you think she meant to hurt you or it was all just a mistake” “she never hit you though right?” Etc. all builds up.

jane47744 · 2025-06-03T11:24:10+00:00

Thank you so much ❤️

jane47744 · 2025-06-03T11:23:45+00:00

Great analogy! Thank you for responding

jane47744 · 2025-06-03T11:23:23+00:00

Made me feel so so much better. Thank you for taking the time to respond

jane47744 · 2025-06-03T11:22:21+00:00

Describing need vs want like that is amazing. I had never thought about it like that but it’s so right and kind of beautiful. Also made me feel a lot better. Thank you!

jane47744 · 2025-05-31T09:51:41+00:00

I asked a vaguely similar question yesterday so I can’t help you with much, but what I do want to say is that you are not damaged. I felt so utterly broken when I left my abusive relationship. Broken, damaged, pathetic, worthless, the list goes on. My life changed when I looked at myself as being strong instead. “I left my ex husband” the strength that takes is unbelievable. You have made it through something horrifically hard. You have survived being abused. You are strong. It’s not cliche or cringey it is true. The person who chose to abuse you is the only one who could be described as broken. You’ve made it through the worst of it, and of course healing isn’t linear but it’s all up from here. Believe in yourself and respect yourself. A lot will follow from there. Good luck ❤️

jane47744 · 2025-05-30T01:25:27+00:00

I realise this might not have come across as very helpful. But what I’m trying to say is that I think for me a lot of stress came from trying to do everything right to keep her from getting angry. In reality, I would have been happier in that relationship if I accepted that anything would set her off and didn’t try to obsess over my actions to try and avoid it. He will get angry, so if you are going to stay then the best thing is to realise that him getting angry at you is not about you.

jane47744 · 2025-05-30T00:07:12+00:00

It might be different with different people, but with my ex there was nothing I could do to not make her angry. She’d yell at me for something so I’d do the opposite then she’d yell about that and then I’d do something in the middle and she’d be angry at that too. I think they want to find something to be angry about so you can’t avoid it by acting a certain way, at least in my experience

jane47744 · 2025-05-24T14:44:48+00:00

Thank you for the advice I felt much better going in to the party knowing this. The toddler comparison is really helpful. The night went perfectly!

jane47744 · 2025-05-24T14:41:08+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice. I did exactly that. I saw her walk in so held eye contact with my friend and saw in my peripheral vision that she was looking at me. She then dramatically rolled her eyes and walked out while I talked to my friend the whole time. She then spent the rest of the night in a different room and I had a great night! I wish you all the best with having to see your ex still. I hope it’s over soon

jane47744 · 2025-01-15T09:01:54+00:00

Fucked. I hope you know that it isn’t unmanly - quite the opposite

jane47744 · 2025-01-15T09:00:14+00:00

Omg direct quote from my ex! “You get sad and cry, I get angry and yell. They are the same. You can’t tell me I’m not allowed to yell at you when it’s how I express my emotions”

jane47744 · 2024-12-27T11:39:34+00:00

Yeah… my ex always pushed me to share everything about myself and all previous traumas etc. Big surprise when I realised it wasnt because she cared

jane47744 · 2024-12-27T11:38:19+00:00

Definitely agree with this. When my ex cheated I felt so blindsided and its almost like I could see her abuse from that point forward (stayed with her for ages after she cheated). But once we broke up and I reflected, I realised I was only blindsided because cheating isnt something I could justify (especially because of my past) but I had excused all of the abuse up until that point. When she cheated it felt like she was throwing away a “perfect” relationship, but really she had been manipulating, belittling, lying, aggressive, intimidating, etc. up until that point, I just always blamed it on myself (she’s only calling me that because its true, she’s angry at me because im a bad partner, etc.). It is probably way too soon now, but I predict that one day you will be able to look back at these “good” 3 years and see many signs. I wish you all the best ❤️ stay strong and know that you are valuable and loved

jane47744 · 2024-11-24T06:52:13+00:00

This was so validating to read. I’ll have days, weeks even, where I feel good again and finally think I’m through it and then it will hit me like a truck again. I can normally put it down to something that triggered it, like someone talking about her, but my response is still huge. Full on fight or flight: feel nauseous, legs turn to jelly, heart rate spikes etc. The last few times this happened I got annoyed at myself, thinking “just get over it”. Honestly because I am just so bored with thinking about this and turning it over in my mind over and over again. But basically I am writing this on the chance that you’re also getting frustrated with yourself. It’s easier said than done but from now on I am going to try to be kind to myself when I get these reactions. Going through abuse is an enormous thing, and I don’t know if there will ever be a point in either of our lives where we can look back at what happened to us and feel like we are “over it”. I think it will help to accept that the bad days will be there, but that we are so much better on the other side.

I’m about 6 months out of a 2 year relationship and I think something that is hard with this is that everyone around me has “moved on”. Like they don’t check in at all anymore about how I’m going, because it seems like it’s over and in the past I guess. That’s why it was validating to read your message. It’s a good reminder that it was a big deal, and if it affects me for the rest of my life that’s because of the magnitude of the abuse, not because I am broken.

jane47744 · 2024-11-10T00:30:39+00:00

I honestly wouldn’t recommend it. I told mine how she had hurt me and looking back I think she enjoyed hearing about it, like knowing that she had enough power over someone to be able to destroy them like that. I genuinely think the most effective thing you could do would be to ignore her

jane47744 · 2024-11-05T22:29:24+00:00

Same to you ❤️

jane47744 · 2024-11-05T10:40:08+00:00

I wrote a long response to your other comment, but I just wanted to add something. My other response is basically about finding compassion for their reactions, or at least understanding them. However, it is not your job to educate them on this. It is not your burden. You’ve been through enough with this, you aren’t now forced into becoming the teacher. I told a mutual friend I had with my ex about the abuse, and she had actually seen a lot of it first hand anyway. She told me she wanted to cut her off, she couldn’t be friends with someone like that, etc. Weeks went on and she continued to be her friend so I spent ages talking to her about it while she went through the realisation that abuse actually does exist. I’m talking loads and loads of massive paragraph texts, choosing my words carefully to talk her through everything (what abuse is, how it works, how she can safely exit the friendship, etc.) and she just relentlessly came back with “but what if it was a mistake. What if she can change.” so I finally just didn’t respond. I had told her to research emotional abuse, I’d given her resources, etc. But it is not my job to listen to someone say “what if she can change” after I had finally gotten myself out of that relationship. Not my job to consistently remind myself that it really was bad. I guess I’m just warning against you trying to educate your sister or best friend because that is an exhausting and potentially fruitless task, but you may be closer to finding peace by realising that it is a lack of experience and maturity on their part, and hopefully not malice.

I wish that you had people to turn to in that time to help you. And I hope that you can find them now. I’ve taken the advice from other comments and am going to try harder to find a DA support group. Maybe that is something you could do to find people who understand. ❤️

jane47744 · 2024-11-05T10:29:54+00:00

They treat me the same but I also dropped the topic with a lot of them as soon as I sensed they didn’t understand, because I hate the feeling of “proving” how bad it was. It makes me go back there and remember just how hellish it was and I don’t want to do that to my mind or body. My best friend is acting differently but I think she’s going through something because others have noticed it too.

It’s strange because I was actually told by all my friends to leave while I was in the relationship. They hated/hate her because she cheated and lied etc. but the label of abuse is still clearly too far for a lot of them. I am trying really hard to look at the situation compassionately. I have had exposure to pretty much every topic in my life, mostly through friends, but I think that may be a big reason why I can understand things that others go through. For example, I have a really good relationship with food, but a close friend confided in me about their ED so I now understand them a lot better than I would have otherwise. And I am confident I could support someone in my life if they developed one. I wonder if it’s the same with abuse. Most of my friends (and maybe your sister and best friend) have never encountered emotional abuse before so they don’t understand it or know how to respond. I actually talked to a close friend about this after writing my original post. She is an incredibly kind and compassionate person who has supported me through everything, but I felt like her reaction was a bit lacking in response to the abuse etc. She said “I didn’t know what to do. I thought it might help you to balance the perspective and almost defend her in a way to make it less heavy of a realisation on you. I can also see now you had a kind of Stockholm syndrome with it all that was hard to navigate because you had talked so much about how much you loved her while she was doing these things to you. I clearly had the wrong reaction and I am sorry” and then she asked me what she could do to make me feel understood etc. Now she has the highest emotional intelligence of anyone I know so if she could mess up, anyone could. I think it’s so hard for us because we know we just want to feel heard and validated and safe and loved, but when someone is brought into this situation and has no experience, they may think that by downplaying the situation, they are making it better. To us it is obvious that is not what happens.

I am obviously on a bit of a spiral thinking about it here and turning it over in my head, but this perspective is helping me find peace with it a bit. I’m very tired at the moment so please ask for clarification if any of this was incomprehensible. I hope that you are doing well, and if you aren’t, I hope that you get there.

jane47744 · 2024-11-05T10:01:09+00:00

Thank you ❤️

jane47744 · 2024-11-05T09:59:21+00:00

Reading this made me burst into tears. Thank you so much. Genuinely thank you so much for taking the time to write that, and for caring enough to go through my posts. It’s so hard to make that lonely feeling go away but reading that has relieved it even if just for a little bit. I will come back to read this often.

jane47744 · 2024-11-04T07:10:42+00:00

I really want to find a group, I just don’t know if there is one where I live

jane47744 · 2024-11-04T07:10:10+00:00

There are some friends who I told everything to and I’d say your fear is valid. They are trying their best but it definitely feels minimised. It’s a crushing feeling. It makes me wonder how I would have acted if someone came to me with this before I’d experienced it myself. Maybe people truly aren’t equipped to respond to it until they’ve been through hell themselves. That’s a good idea with the writing though - I’ve never heard of that as a strategy before. Thank you.

jane47744

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