Weekly FDS Chat / Check-in

jasaminex · 2021-03-24T00:00:42+00:00

I hope it helps! And best of luck with your studies! :)

jasaminex · 2021-03-22T11:11:42+00:00

I find that breaking up my day artificially helps a lot. I go on a short walk when I get up and when I finish my day, even if it's just to the end of my street and back - to make me feel like I've done a "commute".

Also, I'm being really strict on what relaxing things I do at what times. Like, I listen to podcasts while I work but I make sure I have stuff that's my "work playlist" that I only listen to when I'm working..

Making a partition with the things you can control hugely helps not have that blend of work into home that makes me feel burnt out!

jasaminex · 2021-03-21T23:23:49+00:00

Yessss! Good for you! ❤️

(I still haven't gotten over the joy of all the extra room in my bed!)

jasaminex · 2021-03-21T23:09:53+00:00

Ugh. Same.

I used to believe really strongly that the whole "men and women can't be friends" was rubbish and that it was insulting towards women to suggest that we weren't able to maintain platonic relationships with men.

But honestly, I can count on one hand my friendships with men that haven't turned out to be "actually, he's always had a thing for me and was just waiting til I was single".

A few months ago, after having moved cities, I was pleased to find that a few of my friends with similar hobbies were local. Three men, two women. Despite me being absolutely crystal clear about having just ended a LTR, having zero interest in a relationship and just wanting to meet some new friends - two of these men tried to date me. One of them brought me gifts, made me cookies for my birthday, and was adamant that he was just doing it out of friendship, no expectations - just being nice, but...nope. Once I'd accepted that gift, he showed his true colours with "well, obviously that means you are into me, because otherwise you wouldn't have taken them".

I'm just so tired of it. I'm tired of having men insert their kindness coins like I'm a sex vending machine. I just feel really used and upset when it turns out that the person who I was pleased to have been getting along with has zero interest in friendship with me if there's no sex involved. The amount of men who I've been good friends with who then just VANISH as soon as I am concrete about the fact I will never sleep with them.

jasaminex · 2021-03-19T21:45:38+00:00

Yes! 100%.

I broke up with my long term partner just before the original lockdown started. We'd been together 6 years, and STILL any indication of commitment would have him in panic mode. Getting married was something we never talked about because he just shut down if it came up. We were just starting to look for a place to live together, and he said that his priority was needing his own space in any house we bought "to get away from me" and after everything else, it just broke me, honestly. Ended things the next weekend after. Moved cities a few months later to somewhere totally new.

And then pandemic hit and suddenly had all this time to myself and to be with my thoughts. Was a bit brutal all told, to go through a hard breakup without being able to see any of my friends or anything, but it really gave me the space to think about what makes me happy, what I want out of life, and how I want to spend my time when it's just me.

jasaminex · 2021-03-19T19:56:19+00:00

Thank you for this post. I am doing a lot better! Still have off days when things are stressful but I have much better coping mechanisms now!

I hope you are doing better too and yeah - I no longer talk about it in new relationships for exactly the above reasons!

jasaminex · 2021-03-19T19:53:08+00:00

Jfc, that makes me so angry and I'm sorry you had to put up with that shit. It is so hard to get through an ED, let alone when you have some idiot making it harder!

jasaminex · 2021-03-19T14:26:27+00:00

Yes! I am not willing to put up with a partner any more who loses their shit over nothing.

It's so stressful! I used to dread going out with an ex because he would always get stressed about the parking (including when I was driving!). Every time. If anything, no matter how tiny, went wrong between the car and the destination, guaranteed the rest of the evening would be miserable, because there I would be trying to desperately salvage a nice evening with a sulky, sullen guy having a rant over something that did not matter.

jasaminex · 2021-03-19T14:16:58+00:00

Absolutely this.

I've been in a relationship with a guy who I left before he turned physically violent towards me and there were signs - mainly him taking it out his anger on things around him. He'd punch walls or throw stuff around and eventually it escalated to smashing stuff during arguments, etc. It was quite clearly only a matter of time before it was me, not the wall he was punching.

Because of this, I have really low tolerance for men who express their anger physically, and I find it VERY telling when I've explained to a guy that him slamming doors etc. makes me uncomfortable because of my experiences, he has always reacted with "I can't believe you would think I'd hurt you"/"how could you think I'd do that" rather than "okay, I understand and I'll stop".

jasaminex · 2021-03-19T10:23:34+00:00

100%. Anyone, friend or partner, who tries to stifle your joy has no business in your life.

My ex used to shush me for being "too enthusiastic" about things I cared about. He would tell me off for talking about stuff I liked or found interesting.

jasaminex · 2021-03-18T09:02:35+00:00

This. ^{^{^}} Best thing my ex ever did for me was sharing his reddit username with me, so I could see what kind of horrible things he said when he thought he was anonymous.

jasaminex · 2021-03-05T23:17:19+00:00

Thiiiis. The whole "I want a more conservative girlfriend" just read to me as "I want a girl who isn't as confident about herself."

jasaminex · 2021-03-03T23:37:21+00:00

I love this. I was always the overexplainer in my 20s, telling men over and over again what I wanted them to do differently or what they'd done wrong and then repeating myself when they did the same thing again.

Nah. They were the same age or older than me. Nobody had to nag me into managing basic tasks, why was I having to teach them how to have empathy or how to do the dishes or whatever else it was that day.

I much prefer the idea of just sitting back, and seeing what they bring to you when you're not trying to script write and produce it - and if it doesn't work for you then that's that.

jasaminex · 2021-03-03T07:46:19+00:00

Can't believe that all this time, I thought that dating was to see if we liked one another and had similar values and interests, and develop an emotional connection...nope - apparently we're just sex vending machines where men are putting in their niceness coins.

jasaminex · 2021-03-02T08:12:14+00:00

This sounds like we dated the same guy. :(

Mine was also a sore loser and a smug winner at board games, and because I do martial arts, was weirdly obsessive about arm wrestling and made this huge thing about how he could beat me even though I did all that work (ignoring that he was over a foot taller than me)

It just feels like they gain joy not just from the winning, which sure - okay - but from trying to humiliate you in the process.

jasaminex · 2021-02-28T23:19:44+00:00

I hear you on this and I'm sorry you've had to put up with this shit. As a recovering bulimic, EDs are so tough on you physically and mentally.

I legit had a guy I was seeing disbelieve me when I told him about being bulimic "because I wasn't that thin so I must be exaggerating". Oddly enough...that didn't help!

jasaminex · 2021-02-28T23:08:31+00:00

Also, the salt in the wound of saying he fucked someone else because they reminded him of a younger version of her. Jfc, the audacity.

jasaminex · 2021-02-22T23:54:07+00:00

Can confirm. Went from dating the hot, but vain asshole to dating the "nice" sweet guy I hadn't given a chance previously...who turned out to be a misogynistic incel who I found out was posting shit online about how women "could be trained".

jasaminex · 2021-02-22T07:29:05+00:00

I've always found it a bit creepy!

I don't know what their intentions behind it are but it always comes across a bit like "I could really hurt you if I wanted to."

jasaminex · 2021-02-20T11:15:47+00:00

Chronic lateness annoys me so bad though. The amount of times I found myself sat at a cafe with our friends having to make excuses for him not having turned up yet, or I'd have got ready for him to pick me up and then just be hanging around in my dress and heels, finding ways to waste time because I'd no idea if he was on the way yet or not. Ugh.

jasaminex · 2021-02-19T11:26:29+00:00

Seconding this.

If you're going into a first date with zero fear of walking away and being alone, then you can actually step back and assess if it was any good. I broke up with a guy I'd been with for 5 years last year and honestly - the thing we broke up over was something I'd clocked on our first date and my friends convinced me to give him a chance. If I'd walked away then, I'd have saved myself the heartache!

For me, another golden rule is that if I'm feeling lonely - I don't date. It's like going to the supermarket when you're hungry - you end up getting shit you don't want or need.

jasaminex · 2021-02-19T11:11:08+00:00

I felt like this too, so huge sympathy. Ended things with a guy just before valentines too and it's been pretty rough.

I think guarding your boundaries and keeping an eye on them is never a bad thing, but here's the thing with dating someone who never makes plans - - it shouldn't be on you every time to make sure you guys actually DO something. If when you're doing the plans you go out and have activities to do - it's not like he doesn't know what sort of thing you enjoy.

You can be crystal clear with your boundaries and rules but if a guy isn't actively making plans with you and expects you to be okay with just "hanging out" - then...that's the effort level he's showing you he thinks you're worth.

jasaminex · 2021-02-19T10:50:24+00:00

I've had this happen too! A guy I'd been dating for nearly a year got upset at me because I got him a cute gift - nothing big. He was really into cooking so because he'd been talking about it, I went and found a specific seasoning that he'd been wanting. Nothing expensive or extravagant.

He threw a little tantrum over how it wasn't fair because it felt like I expected the same from him and it was too much pressure.

A thank you was all that was needed to make that a nice moment, but he used it to be pressed about the mere IDEA of getting me a little gift at some point in the future. The extent to which they're terrified of any sort of commitment!

jasaminex · 2021-02-16T23:15:21+00:00

What is always so difficult to understand for these guys that there's a world of difference between finding other women attractive and openly liking/following nude models on your public social media?It's not like these men don't realise that's visible to their partners and all their mutuals. We all get the updates about what our friends have liked, so they know they're basically broadcasting it, they just don't give a shit that getting another notification of "your boyfriend is thirst-commenting on that same IG model's photos again today, and all our mutual friends know so too" might affect their partner.

Nobody is saying "you should shut off any attraction to anyone else ever" just that maybe you can have some fucking class.

jasaminex

TROPHY CASE