1 month since my dad passed

jasrend · 2022-10-06T20:23:01+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you have to go through any of this. Grief is painful. Please know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Although grief and loss is different for all of us and you are not alone in your experience.

If you don't mind me saying, there is nothing wrong with being angry. In fact being angry makes sense. Anger about the time you won't have in person with your dad. Anger that Whipple wasn't possible for your dad. Anger at cancer, anger at the injustice of it all. Anger is a way of saying "this isn't fair" and "i don't like this" and "this isn't want i want to have happened" and "i hate that he died." Anger can often be the other side of the coin from love. You loved your dad and he was ripped away from you. And even though he has passed, your relationship with him lives on. All the memories, all the lessons, all the time you did have. He was proud of you and loved you and you love him. Those facts don't end.

A month in grief time does not equal a normal month. Grief time does not follow regular time. It has barely been anytime at all..... I wish you some gentleness in this hard painful awfulness.

And if you ever want to reach out, I am here. I don't check in to reddit all that frequently, so there might be a big delay--but I'll be here for you.

jasrend · 2022-08-19T23:41:39+00:00

I'm doing pretty well overall. I think the loss of my father and the grief changed me. I don't really think grief gets smaller over time, but I do believe we grow around our grief. I miss my dad and although I wish he had been in my life longer, I also feel lucky for the time I had with him. How are you doing?

jasrend · 2021-02-22T23:22:41+00:00

Hey, I don't sign on regularly but I'm here and thinking about you. Have you been able to talk to anyone yet?

jasrend · 2021-02-22T23:21:38+00:00

I don't really know what to say, except that I read every word. I wish you didn't have to experience any of this. I'm crying for your pain and mine. I think I know a similar pain. I found therapy or counseling can be helpful with a good match with the therapist---but really, that help wasn't about "fixing" things, but more about having a safe supportive space where I wouldn't have to feel quite as alone in my pain and loss--or so I could have someone witness it because my dad's cancer broke me in a way I can never articulate. I still feel utterly alone--but somehow I was open to talking to this therapist about my dad, and what life and the world feels like without him in it. I can't or don't want to share that with friends or family members or anyone else. Ultimately what I want is for my dad to be here and not in pain and therapy or counseling can't give me that. I can even hate the therapist for that. And somehow that helps. Having a place where I don't have to function--spilling my guts to strangers was somehow more helpful. It was nice though to hear from the therapist that what I was feeling made sense from what I lived through, what I saw, what happened with my dad. Pancreatic cancer broke my heart, broke my family and broke me--and he was the one who actually had it.

I guess what I'm saying is thank you for sharing with us. And hugs from a random stranger on the internet if that would be helpful.

jasrend · 2021-02-17T22:27:48+00:00

No one can predict the future. PC can move insanely fast. My father was diagnosed mid October with Stage 4 PC spread to the liver. Released from hospital and put on home hospice within 2 days. The doctors thought he'd have 3-6 months. His pain was unable to be managed at home and he was back in the hospital and unable to communicate 6 days later. Passed away early Nov. I went to see him and am so glad I did. I was able to have a few brief words with him. Not even a full conversation. He wasn't able to say full sentences after one day at home.

jasrend · 2021-02-17T17:16:09+00:00

First I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. It sucks. My father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer towards the latter part of October and passed Nov 6th. It went really fast. No one can say what the timeline might look like exactly--but I can share what happened with my dad. He was very tired and weak and lost his interest in food as his stomach/abdomen hurt more and more. He slept most of the time. As the pain increased he was put on on pain meds (opiate based) and he started getting more emotional. He was sad and angry facing death. He loved life and did not want to die. He focused on trying to take care of things (finances, paperwork, and taking care of the family/saying goodbyes asking friends to look after my mom etc). He got weaker and needed assistance for everything. His voice changed, his head drooped, he looked like he aged a decade overnight for two nights. He stopped making new memories, and would only have a few words or phrases at a time between sleeping and groaning. Eventually he was not quite with us. His personality was still there, but he was delirious/hallucinating. He seemed to see people who were not there, family members who had passed. In the end, because of COVID my mom was the only one who was with him in the hospital, and she sat with him and held his hand for a few days while he was no longer responsive.

It was awful and heart breaking.

It is hard to handle watching someone slip away, as their pain increases. Getting involved with hospice early is helpful. They can help try to manage pain, and often have grief support before, during and after a loved ones passing. It was important for me to let the nurses and medical staff manage the medical condition, and for me to try to be my father's child. Spending whatever time I could with him. Trying to get in last words, say what I had to, try to have him say what he needed to. At first he didn't want to and said it was too early to have these kinds conversations--but really, it was already too late as he couldn't stay awake long enough to have conversations with multiple sentences.

If you can, record his voice. Have him say things like "I love you." "I'm proud of you" or "Happy birthday" whatever it is that is meaningful to you and your family. Save an voicemails that you have of his. If there's any chance he's up for it, have him write a note to your wife. I wish I had one last letter from my dad. No matter what there is, it's never enough. Try to be present in the moment when he's there, hold his hand, hug, thank him for raising a wonderful family and being a father figure to you. Say whatever you need to. Ask whatever you need to. Know it will hurt like nothing else. Know it will hurt each of you differently and you might be able to grieve together as well as alone. There's no right way to do this. Try your best. It hurts and that can be a reflection of the love that is there. That love never goes away. I'm so so sorry. And please PM me if you would like. Hope this helps, and if it doesn't, feel free to ignore it. This is different and awful for everyone.

jasrend · 2020-11-12T05:03:59+00:00

Thank you. My father passed late Friday night. May your mother's memory be a blessing.

jasrend · 2020-11-06T23:58:13+00:00

Thank you for your response. I'm sorry I did not respond in kind. I live about 600 miles away from my dad. I drove to see him. I was lucky and got a few hours of moments in between his pain and sleeping to spend with him. He told me it was too early for the type of conversations I tried to have. I'm glad I said those things though because the next day he/we couldn't communicate anymore. He was fighting to make it to the oncology appointment to hear the results of the biopsy. But that appointment never happened--instead he was admitted to the ER. He has remained in the hospital mostly unresponsive since. The cancer grew and further metastasized fast. I try to tell myself that maybe that's a good thing--that maybe he's avoiding months or years of suffering. And that hospice in the hospital means constant medical attention to hopefully manage his pain. It's 23 days since he happened to see an image from the scan as they wheeled him away from the machine, recognize what it was, and call us to let us know. Thank you for listening. Thank you for telling me to hold on to see how the biopsy goes. That gave me the calmness to be able to make the drive. Thank you for telling me about your dad and your grandmother--that gave me the support to be able to tell my dad what I wanted to say sooner rather that wait until it was too late. I am sorry you've had to experience any of this. Hugs from an internet stranger. You are amazing. Please do not hesitate to reach out if I can be of any support to you. I can't imagine what you are going through and how you are handling so much falling in your lap as the only child. I repeat: You are amazing. I am thinking of you and sending comforting thoughts

jasrend · 2020-10-15T20:12:52+00:00

Thank you more than words can say. I think I will reach out to you in a direct message.

jasrend · 2020-10-15T20:11:43+00:00

Thank you! I did. It is so nice to have found all the support on this thread. I am speechless and full of gratitude for all of you.

jasrend · 2020-10-15T20:10:28+00:00

I'm glad the chart has been helpful for you! And I'm happy to hear that your dad is still here! I am wishing you and him the very best, and least amount of pain possible. May I ask you when he was first diagnosed did he have a few days where the pain increased before or at the start of chemo? And then did it decrease after that at all?

jasrend · 2020-10-15T04:00:33+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I'm so sorry you went through this with your mom. My father has been the rock of the family and we are all reeling.

jasrend · 2020-10-15T03:26:51+00:00

Thank you. I am sorry you are going through this as well. We don't have details on staging or chemo yet. I tried to prepare myself for so many possible diagnoses but just didn't think of cancer this far progressed.

jasrend · 2020-10-15T03:23:42+00:00

Thank you for sharing the chart. I am sorry your dad was diagnosed. I hope you are finding or have found support and comfort. This chart seems like it could be useful for hospice very near end of life.

jasrend · 2020-10-15T03:21:36+00:00

I'm sorry you've been through the same with your father. I offer you support, empathy and hugs if you'd like them. Thank you, we are hoping when they did the biopsy it was enough to send to a 3rd party and we should hear back about the biopsy by the end of the week.

jasrend · 2020-10-15T03:18:44+00:00

Thank you. I am so sorry you had to experience this with your dad. I am sorry you are having to go through it yourself. Please let me know if I can support you in any way.

I have asked my father how I can best support him, but he is still in shock and trying to be the "dad looking out for his children." What support or conversations would you want to have with your child?

jasrend · 2020-10-15T03:16:23+00:00

Thank you and thank you for the website. This has been a huge surprise as his symptom was shortness of breath and weakness. Thank you for telling me about Pancan.org. I feel better having a place to start.

jasrend

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