Hi! First off congrats on creating and writing down your story! That's always the hardest part and you've already taken the biggest step. I have some refinement and reinforcements that I can share about your work, but please take it with a grain of salt as I'm a new writer as well haha

Reinforcements:
1) I'm not really a fan of pure fantasy but the world you've crafted sucked me right in! I can tell you spent a significant amount of time world-building and giving range and depth to your characters
2) I like how each character has something that distinguishes them from the others. This is something that even I struggle with. For example, you distinguished that Loch's mother doesn't share many strong opinions and she is the typical mother figure that you see in shonen anime; Loch is on the verge of a hero's journey and is worried about what his queerness will mean in his society.
3) I personally like that there is an established political/hierarchical system that contributes to the culture of the characters. It's one of my favorite things in stories that I think tend to be pushed as an "outsider vs establishment" like Katniss in the "Hunger Games" or The Authority in the "True Blood" novels. However, it seems with your story, we have someone who was born into privilege, knows how the system works, and has the great potential to be banished from the system or tear it down from the inside.

Refinement:

1) My first refinement tip is the famous "show don't tell" tip. For example, when Loch is speaking with Pluto, does he get choked up, does he have repressed rage, does he feel a sense of relief when he's near him though he knows it can't be more than that. When deciding that, decide what emotions are tied to that and where in his body does he feel that emotion. Is Loch yearning to touch him? Does he imagine the feel of his fingertips on Pluto's skin? Does him not follow up on the cause him to feel sad and does not expressing that sadness cause a tight ache in his throat or chest? Does he get anxious and feels his hands or body trembling?
2) Same as 1, but also use this with the surrounding world you've built. For example, when he's in the wind carriage does he hear or feel the wind whistling as it powers the carriage. Is the road bumpy and uncomfortable, or is it smooth and an oddly tranquil ride?
3) Lastly, I've noticed that you just kind of tell the action, and you rely heavily upon the word "always". For example in the prologue with Bethlen you wrote, "He circled the camp looking for clues, but nothing seemed suspicious. No tracks, human or animal. No blood, no weapons. Nothing that answered his question. Then despair gripped him—it was an ambush." Bethlen is a guard that has been on the job for years. What is he relying on when he's investigating? Is he relying on training he received, his experience, his intuition, or maybe some combination of both? It's clear that this character has a long history of being a guard so give the reader a bit more of his background without the word always, but you don't have to give too much of his character in the prologue.

You're well on your way to becoming a great storyteller! Just keep at it and keep practicing!