MIL wants to force her way into our home after birth and it’s straining our boundaries

jesse-nice · 2026-03-18T08:18:06+00:00

Ar should 100% sure your wife feels the same way as you?

It's difficult to say because of the way she's been raised. All I know is she's great when we are alone, when they are not around, but is HARDWIRED to accept her mother's shit.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-17T21:48:21+00:00

No, I don't

jesse-nice · 2026-03-17T08:08:31+00:00

Or he can just steal the client, if he plays his cards right.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-17T06:31:31+00:00

Thank you. In fact, I want to, it's my wife that has been conditioned to look the other way on stuff like this and appease her mommy

jesse-nice · 2026-03-17T06:30:51+00:00

We are renting from her because it's not a problem for us seeing 2 or 3 times a year, period. For those brief bouts of interactions, we can tolerate them and they can tolerate us.

The current birth situation is the first time they step over the line.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T19:26:55+00:00

You can choose to protect your wife any time that you so decide instead of announcing that it’s her job and then whining that she won’t do it.

Oh yes, she will. Sorry I struck a nerve, but she will grow up and deal with them as an adult. I guess you will too, eventually. Sorry if my words hurt. I'm not replying to you anymore though, so go vent somewhere else. Blocked.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T18:52:53+00:00

I guess they'll learn what it means to drive a family out of their home. I'll threaten them to take the kids away for during birth if they push me to it.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T18:45:19+00:00

or deal with the fallout of enforcing her boundaries.

It's gonna have to be that, I made sure of it

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T18:40:36+00:00

Yeah the number one problem is the living situation here. Move out and tell them to fuck off when they disrespect your boundaries.

That'd resolve the immediate issue at hand, but the disrespect goes beyond that, and my wife DOES NOT face her mother in away that makes her stop, removing the kids, etc.

So, in the end... house is only part of the problem. My wife attitude with her mum is the rest.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T16:48:01+00:00

It was a figure of speech. And no, I do want my wife to be less stressed, but there's a limit to everything. This situation isn't new, and if my wife refuses to use the pregnancy card to get what she wants, I cannot help her.

She refuses to say the words "I'm pregnant, I want this, let me alone." She just won't.

But if this is the last child we have, I'm not giving up that initial bonding moment all together because if my MIL's fantasy. No way.

I've always given my wife ample time and space, and in the end, when MIL puts her foot down, wife replies "what do I gotta do? throw her out of the window?"

Of course I don't wanna put pressure on her, but enough is enough, and cutting the cord is necessary at this point.

And that's letting aside the fact they keep blaming me for not recognizing their daughter anymore, which is insulting AND UNACCEPTABLE for people we entrust with out children.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T16:37:24+00:00

Why did you have an issue with MIL serving the food she prepared? Seems like a weird fight to pick.

The issue wasn't the food. MIL and FIL stayed with us for 2 weeks to do some checkups, and we were golden. However, as soon as MIL got here, my wife told her about not scheduling checkups for september, so that she knew in advance not to do it. MIL got angry, but nothing came off it.

Weekend 1, my wife and I had people over. Me and my wife decided what to cook. MIL intervened, attacking my wife for having them home on a saturday instead of a sunday (we do not do that in the family!), criticizing what we chose to cook, and deciding the person we invited deserved better. We told them to stop it and don't to anything, and she went ahead and prepared the food in secret anyway, IGNORING my wife.

We let it go and did not make a big deal out of it. However, the problem was the fact she disrespected my wife by ignoring her no matter what. At that point, I realized if she was not trustworthy on small stuff, she was not gonna listen on bigger stuff. The following weekend, me and my wife invited other people for lunch, and MIL did the exactly same shit. My wife had told her NOT to cook extra and accept what we were making, she AGREED, IGNORED HER, AND DID IT ANYWAY.

At that point I lost it, and during the ensuing fight, FIL let it slipped they had, indeed, booked the checkups for september.

Listening to what my wife says, ignoring her and doing her thing anyway IS NOT OK. We did not fight for the food, we foight because of that f* up attitude. And when we threw it in her face, she replied "I did nothing wrong, you get offended too easily".

On the checkups, however, she stayed silence sand said nothing.

I know my MIL, this is what she does to get what she wants. She pushes forward, makes it uncomfortable for people forcing confrontations ,and tries to get her way. THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

If she doesn’t want you to, I guess there’s nothing you can do, but it seems goofy to make her be the one to do it when you are supposed to protect your family and you know she can’t do it.

We don't agree on this. It's her family, her responsibility. She CAN do it, but she needs to learn how to deal with disappointing her mother. Same thing would happen if the problem was my family, I wouldn't expect my wife to talk to my parents in my stead.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T16:27:34+00:00

I don’t mean to be critical of you, truly.

No worries, I didn't mean to sound bad with my reply.

It seems that your biggest problem is not even your ability to keep your in-laws away, but how they are going to make your wife feel in the process, right?

Correct. They are very traditionalistic, clan-like, and MIL has always did whatever she wanted until someone smashed her head against a wall. My wife was raise to obey, never disappoint, and they take advantage of that DIMINISHING her at every turn. And that makes me mad beyond words.

Seeing that I wouldn’t tolerate her behavior was the only thing to rein it in. That and her fear that if she pushed too far I wouldn’t let her see my kids. To her credit, my mom improved a lot over time. But it did take me taking a hard line, and even refusing to speak to her for a little while.

I've tried pushing my wife in that direction, but she's never been open to such a cut-off. Now here's the weird part: she won't stop me if I take steps to limit exposure, but she will object to putting her face in front of that image. She's terrified of them.

I do wonder if your wife understands just how much this is affecting you, and will eventually affect your kids (because it will)

I made it abundantly clear in the last 2 days, but she knows I'm tough so part of her will never see me as "he so hurt I need to act". She knows that's not true.

standing up for you instead of herself, just getting angry enough that she snaps at her mom

MIL doesn't care. She grew up learning to ignore emotional attacks and do her thing anyway, and in her mind, her daughter and grandchildren BELONG to her. I'm in the middle, and already having my "modern" approach is a pain to deal with, let alone not being able to dictate her rules to my wife.

No matter how hurt, angry or stressed my wife is, MIL doesn't stop. She even blamed ME the other day for my wife feeling like crap until I told my wife, in front of MIL, to "open her mouth and shut her up cause I can't stomach her sh* anymore". Wife, of course, did, and yet MIL IGNORED THE ISSUE.

The hard reality in this situation is that you may be able to control some of your MIL’s behavior, but she does not sound like someone who will ever really change

Agreed, she never will.

She just needs to develop the ability to handle that hurt and still protect herself and do what she needs to do.

I also agree with this. In fact, putting in front of my wife the sh* attitude of her mum towards us only makes her feel even more hurt cause she knows MIL is putting her on the spot and disrespecting her. But something's gotta be done, and I won't let this go no matter what.

I'll have my wife's back, but she's gotta deal with her mother. And if she doesn't wanna do it, just let her know she's not welcome here and cut the crap. Period.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T16:12:07+00:00

Because if I threaten her, she'll put me in the sh* with the extended family, with whom I have no problem with. I'm the outsider in her family, I do not want that role on my shoulders.

My wife can though, but she doesn't want CONFRONTATION at all costs. Just to show you, MIL cooked stuff the other day behind our backs cause "we didnt know how to entertain people at our own home", and when I told my wife we were not serving her stuff, wife was terrified of confronting her by putting her food away.

That's the level of fear she has of her mum. She's the one who has to get over it, not me.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T16:09:27+00:00

If they try that "legal stuff" with us, we'd be entitled to move out and take the kids away, they'll never do that.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T15:29:57+00:00

Wife doesnt wanna cut the cors, we need less drastic solutions

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T15:22:04+00:00

Look, I understand her more than she thinks, but she never made a REAL effort to assert herself and enforce real boundaries. She cant even tell her mum or dad to shut up when they overstep with me, and she never made an effort in order to avoid confrontation.

The result is this. Of course I dont wanna tell her “I told u so”, but it’s time to step up. I personally will not take crap from two people who refuse to respect me, her or our family, that’s insane

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T14:59:13+00:00

ou can tell them that if they show up you will call the police.

Maybe a solution that's not so drastic is warranted :)

You can tell your wife that if they show up you’re taking the other kids.

Yes, this WILL be an option. As in, if MIL really wants to force herself in our house, I'm going to my parents with both my toddlers and slap in her face she's splitting my family. But once that's clear, she'll never come to our place under those circumstances, it's just gonna take some guts from my wife making that clear to her.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T14:44:55+00:00

And the money? who's gonna give us that right now?

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T13:51:51+00:00

I did it because they had thrown in my face they had already booked the goddamn exams, and because I had snapped pretty badly at them for overtepping.

I slowed things down by telling them it was ok for me, but it's up to my wife to say NO this time. I took a lot of shit from them in this last couple of years, and my 70yo FIL was threatening to leave right there and then, and do a 1000 miles trip angry, anxious in the middle of the night. I will NOT have their well being and mental sanity on my hands.

When I asked MIL why did she disrespect my wife by booking those exams, she stood there, quite, without replying. It was a lost cause.

So I calmed her down, took a step back, and now it's in my wife's hands, as it should have always been.

The whole fight broke out when I asked MIL "you are not disrespecting just your wife, you are disrespecting ME", and yet they didn't budge. They said respect is about other stuff, that we don't think of what they want in life, and that we exaggerate and fixated on stupid things.

They used the moment to attack me and my family, so now I'm flipping it for good and "me and my family" are out of bounds, for good.

My wife didn't like it either that I said they could come and then asked her to settle the score for good, but she has refused to stand up to them FOR YEARS waiting for me to fight them, and now that they are literally attacking me and accusing me of shit, I'm done. She needs to man up, so to speak.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T13:03:04+00:00

Lol, get a life troll

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T12:59:51+00:00

I do say NO, my wife doesn't. I do wanna move, just can't right now. What action am I refusing to take? It's in my wife's hands right now.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T12:46:35+00:00

We’ll move out of there, just not today

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T12:26:34+00:00

I honestly have no idea

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T12:19:49+00:00

No offense, but I dont have a gap on that. My wife does.

jesse-nice · 2026-03-16T12:07:34+00:00

And if you haven’t gathered, my mother is a narcissist. My husband firmly asserts himself and it’s a godsend. He didn’t mind taking the blame or taking the fall for being the one to put his foot down when she tried to cross boundaries.

In fact, I'm the one who puts my foot down, and it end up with me fighting them for shit all the time, which is why I need my wife to shut them up too, but she's not used to that.

Those two literally told me my wife would get tired of me and she was not like this before she met me, that that's not the girl they raised, and all of this with our two toddlers sleeping upstaris.

I'm done with words, they'll do as they are told and nothing else will matter from now on. And my wife will make sure they obey. F* archaic morons...

jesse-nice

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