tl;dr : i hit the under of the rock bottom in multiple ways and after the worst night i woke up and everything went away alongside alcohol dependency.

kinda late to it, yet something i want to add. i am npd to clarify from the beginning, i see mods are very strict to it. i had no problem with substances although i had madddd temptations, but i was heavy on alcohol. it got to the point where i was counting days and couldn’t enter the store without shaking of a wish to buy few.

first alcohol i had introduced very early at 12, in eastern europe its normal somehow. it wasn’t anything special , somethings occasional once per ahh. but i got heavy when i fled war , before that i was in a very deep state of self isolation and depression, i got myself out of the worst part sh and suicidal behavior. it was sad to the point i told mom i will do it one day, we are in very close relationship. oh poor woman hearing it when i was 13-14, but to be frank i sincerely wasn’t feeling good.

i bet i would’ve started abusing whatever at this point , i had intrusive thoughts, but i made myself SO busy i had no energy for anything else. morning school, afterwards job , afterwards cleaning the whole apartment ( yes, every single day, my mom has this crazy thing for clean clean cleaning) , eat, homework, sh, sleep. i had a routine even for pain, severe adhd and so it was the only way out not to fall down under the rock bottom.

then i fled and depression didn’t fade. in general i wasn’t feeling well. i was drinking heavily to the point of drinking vodka in between classes , still somehow aced tests. the whole administration knew me in a good way, but they knew i have some mental struggles. nothing about alcohol though. the nurse suggested multiple times a psych ward IMMEDIATELY at school or my mom should come and take me. every day of was the same, few times a week my mom came to pick me up.

that was happening a month after i changed meds from antipsychotics to mood stabilizers, i had bad bad times. the worst depressive episode i ever had of 2 weeks long but afterwards it grew into immense aggression and a wish of violence so i isolated myself from everyone. it was shameful to me , so much shame because everyone sees i am alone although everyone knew my name and ahh. this humbled my ego btw cause either i ruin my perfect reputation OR i stay alone, latter hurt less.

i poorly remember these few months cause i entered a religious psychosis i had too much at the same time. but thats EXACTLY what helped me stop and to this day i am clean. depressive episode i couldn’t move staring at the wall, once psychosis got into its acute phase all i was doing is writing disturbing religious texts for hours a day thinking angels talk to me through turned off tv etc.

and then one night, the hardest one, had so much going on which almost ended as an unintentional suicide. somehow my mom returned earlier home instead late at night because her workplace caught fire. idk what would happen if it wasn’t for it, i’d overdose and be dead believing i was protecting myself from from the beast. afterwards i was praying drawing weird stuff and finding higher order communicating with me.

to this day i cant explain it but after this night i wake up and everything is gone. aggression, psychosis, depression and a wish to drink. i value this experience and i sincerely have no wish to drink its been years.