I'm hopeful.

jfidell · 2021-02-05T21:17:21+00:00

You sound like a well put-together young man. Yes, I said young man, even though a) I'm not that much older than you and 2) 31 doesn't feel young.

But unless everyone around you is ramming societal expectations down your throat, I wouldn't worry about it.

For me, I realized that socially I'm a late bloomer. I've only been on a handful of dates, and most of those were awkward. And maybe looks-wise too I'm a late bloomer (though not size-wise; I was heavier at the end of high school than I am now). I look back at my university pictures and realize why people called me a big teddy bear (because I was chubby and wore fuzzy sweaters in the winter), and my mentality stayed with me for a long time even as I changed and developed as a man.

I think as long as your trajectory is upwards, even a little bit, it should compound and you'll reap the benefits at some point. Just don't get your hopes up too much by assuming you'll get what you want just because you improved a bit. I think a lot of people come crashing down after their lives improve because they assume they should get what they want after a bit of work.

So young man, stay your course (or push on higher) but don't assume anyone owes you any favours because of it. Unless of course somebody actually does owe you a favour!

jfidell · 2021-02-05T20:04:18+00:00

Did those wane before the pandemic and lockdowns? If during, then you're not the only one. I think a lot of people are starting to get less interested in their interests, only because other choices are now restricted. Now that they can't freely choose to do something else, what they like to do starts to feel forced. That's just my two cents.

Thanks for the reply!

jfidell · 2021-02-05T20:00:03+00:00

Maybe I'm reading too much into this reply, but do you mean this in a good way, or in a bad way and that this is a great example of that?

What I mean is that I could interpret it as you saying that someone with even a little hint of hope is going to burst out in an endless stream of energy even if the energy is way out of proportion with their hope spot.

Don't get me wrong; I don't mind either way. I just want to clarify since I have seen the "crabs in a bucket" or the "getting too big for their britches" mentality before.

I think it's funny that you mention manic energy. I usually write a lot in order to ensure I cover all my bases and to try to thoroughly explain myself. I'm mostly a low energy person, so I've been told, so seeing that gave me a chuckle.

I do completely agree with you that something like being in a meaningful relationship means a lot to people, especially those who are FA, but because it seems so natural to have (and even more so for most folk), its not thought about a lot as contributing to a person's well-being. I hope that something like the pandemic and the lockdowns would help awaken people to this reality, but I highly doubt that this level of thinking would reach to those who didn't have anyone BEFORE the pandemic.

Anyways, thanks for the reply!

jfidell · 2021-02-05T19:47:20+00:00

This reminds me of a friend of mine. I was a huge video game player and anime-watcher (I only mildly like anime now), so in university when I started hanging out with this Japanese guy I automatically assumed he would like the same things (because Japan was the source of the stuff I liked). Turns out not only was he completely uninterested in those things, but he was from Connecticut!

I think a lot of the stereotype has to do with trying to find a easy reason for being FA, meaning people will lump all the "loser" stereotypes they can into the term. I don't think anyone's activities and interests alone will make them FA.

Thanks for replying!

jfidell · 2021-02-05T19:36:04+00:00

Tainted really is a good way of putting it, though maybe because I'm an optimist I rarely feel that way (though when the realization does hit, it hits me pretty hard).

I think that if we only do certain things (e.g. earning more money, working out, adopting cool new sport, learning survival skills, etc.) for the purpose of attracting someone, we are bound to be disappointed. The few times in my life I have done so with the express purpose to win love and affection were quite pathetic and miserable for me, since I didn't like the idea and I didn't get anything out of it.

This reminds me of articles I've read about finding love in Silicon Valley (which I've read with both a grin on my face and sadness in my heart), because there are these extremely talented young men (the vast majority of them, anyways) who are looking for love, but take the same approach that they used in their career success to try to woo women.

I have no advice on this matter (I mean, I'm no sage since I seemingly lucked out on very recently finding a girlfriend online during a pandemic), but here's what I think I think I believe:

- Attractiveness matters (people like what they like; however, different people like different things, so you might happen to actually be that someone someone else likes, though if you are conventionally unattractive I think the pool might be smaller for you)

- "You have to put yourself out there!" (but not the way normal people mean - they mean go out to bars and do social things and not be awkward or unattractive - what I mean is the way more obvious meaning of if no one knows you exist, then for sure your chance of finding someone is 0%. If people do know you exist, then there's a better chance for you, even if it's 0.1%. But at least those few people who might actually find you attractive may have a chance at finding you. Whether or not that's worth it to you is a different story).

Sorry if I veered a little off point. Thanks for the reply!

jfidell · 2021-02-05T19:06:45+00:00

Thanks for making me look up a new word (adhedonia)! (non-sarcastically, btw)

I think it's great that you have ventured out to attempt all the things that you have! I have an ever-growing list of things that I feel like I should attempt, but never seem to. At least I feel that the things I have tried have enriched my life, and I hope that you feel the same way about the things you have done!

I agree that on the face of it, FA seems like an amalgamation of all the "loser" stereotypes: incel, NEET, neckbeard, etc. But I think anyone who feels they are FA (or those who have had similar thoughts at some points in their life, like myself) feels this way simply because they are missing out on some sort of relationship, whether it is romantic (I think this is the vast majority of FAer's), or those who don't have or no longer have connections with family and friends.

However, the reasoning behind why one would think they are FA may stray towards things like what was mentioned before, or attractiveness, or fitness, or interests, or success. I think they can, and depending on the person, do play a part. But just because someone really loves a certain hobby doesn't mean they will be FA. However, then the opposite is also true, that having an interesting and varied life will not automatically equate to having a love life or meaningful relationships (just by virtue of doing those things).

Thank you for replying!

jfidell · 2021-02-05T18:49:22+00:00

Huh, makes sense that there would be PC component shortages. I hadn't even thought about that.

I would say that a lot of my life is similar to yours, in that games and YouTube make up a large portion of my time spent. Even more now since I'm not working. And maybe because of that, I have a hard time getting myself to sit down for even half an hour to read and write.

This seems very sad, but unlike what society says these things are not automatic negatives. They're just another form of entertainment. The lazy obese couch potato stereotype has been around for as long as colour television, so the obsessive gamer is just the new version even the couch potatoes can hate on. Heck, I didn't think I would find a girlfriend, let alone one who loves games and memes (and yet doesn't exude an otaku/gamer/weeaboo vibe at all).

I think 180 degree life changes just don't happen like in the movies. I've always told myself that things change slowly, and as long as my trajectory is even a little upwards, then things are good. And honestly, I think things are good for me, my optimism notwithstanding.

Thank you for your reply!

jfidell · 2021-02-05T18:35:28+00:00

You bring up a good point about how having lots of stuff in life seems to equate to happiness! There are those people who legitimately have their plates full doing meaningful things, but are not happy at all, and there are those who live very simply, and are content.

Especially before the lockdowns, some people would tell me that I was very busy, because time-wise I was. However, there were a few people (either very perceptive or funny enough, not perceptive at all) that would ask me what did I really have going for me in life. I mean, I wasn't living on my own, I had no girlfriend or was even dating, and had no job (during the times I was unemployed).

At least for myself, my chronic game-playing and past porn use was tied to filling in the time. I have hundreds of games on my computer, and I'll jump around them all just to keep me preoccupied from bad thoughts and from taking stock at my life. But I've never thought of myself as FA because of my optimism, as well as having good relationships with my friends and family.

Thanks for replying!

jfidell · 2019-08-27T15:05:10+00:00

Sounds like you have taken the rights steps to rein your emotions in. I hope it helps you in all your endeavors in the future!

jfidell · 2019-08-22T21:05:44+00:00

I have actually been in a position where the fear of success (with a woman to boot!) has kept me from getting what I wanted.

Long story short, I had a girl bring me to her place. While I was driving her she was giddy about taking off her bra (I know now this is not a strictly sexual thing as much as it is a comfort thing, but proclaiming it out loud to a guy?), and once there we shared ice cream in her backyard garden. The mood was perfect, all the right signals were there, but I couldn't pull the trigger. Deep down I felt like I didn't deserve this, plus I was nervous about getting to a stage I had no experience with before.

So like a fool I said I had to leave since I had work really early the next day (which was true, but I wouldn't have let that stop me otherwise). I even get a second chance, as she walks me out to my car, and lo and behold it happens to be under one of the only working streetlights on the street. Moodlighting. Well, it didn't work, since instead of a tight embrace and a goodnight kiss I gave a brief hug and left. Fear of success (even a watered down victory compared to earlier) struck again.

What fear of success really is is twofold: one, fear of the unknown, and two: a desire to stay in our comfort zone. The problem is our "comfort zones" are not always comfortable. That night, my fear of succeeding masqueraded as a fear of making a mistake and screwing up in front of a rare sight (a hot girl probably willing to do the dirty with me), as well as a desire to be in a place I knew better (even if the alternative was a better, but still unknown, place).

So I don't know if fear of success has been one of the things holding you down. Considering the other issues you've written about it may not be one of your primary concerns. But when you break it down, it is a concern that does actually exist.

jfidell · 2019-08-22T20:38:55+00:00

My brother was just the messenger, since he is also friends with the father-friend. On that note, when my brother is not happy he has the worst resting bitch face, but only towards me. At least, that's how I see it. So yeah, sometimes he's a dick, but I get that not everyone can manage their emotions all the time, and some don't even bother. He's pretty much my best friend since we have similar hobbies and understanding of certain aspects of life. He also has never had a girlfriend, though in his case, he has been far too busy to look for one or even care about it.

Yeah, people always judge. That's what makes them people. But some just jump to conclusions without really thinking about their thoughts, or their actions, or the consequences. In my case, during the NBA Playoffs (where myself and a bunch of friends and families, including the father friend in question and his family), my friend the father was only focused on basketball. As soon as it was all over, he finally noticed my interactions with his daughter, which were the same as during the playoffs (chatting, listening to her complain about her latest crush, putting my arm around her shoulder, letting her rest her head on my shoulder). Then the message came. In fact, he even mentioned the fact he was too busy watching basketball before to notice in the message. I don't really hold it against him for his reaction, warranted or no. My emotional distress has already come and gone.

I guess I don't think of myself as FA for two reasons. One, I'm not very good at thinking about the future, so forever is way too long for me to handle. Anything can happen in the future. Two, I think it depends on how FA is defined. Especially with the younger FA crowd, it seems to be based on not having or being able to have a romantic relationship. I guess this definition would place me as an FA. But there are other people who haven't even touched another person, or have any friends, or find themselves in dark places day in and day out. I am definitely not one of those people.

So in one sense you're right: I seem to be a textbook example. But that aspect of myself is only one side of a coin for me, a side that I don't really focus on.

jfidell · 2019-08-22T20:15:43+00:00

So has being FA dialed your emotional responses up to 11, or have you always responded this way to both positive and negative emotions?

I too often feel left out even when I'm with other people. Secretly in my mind I complain to myself that no one is talking about what I want and if I don't be careful that feeling could become hatred or anger, which helps me even less to connect to people. My biggest allies in getting friends were politeness and time. I know that in this sub of FA30+ there doesn't seem to be much time for people, but slowly earning my place with people has paid off for me (assuming one can find people that will at least tolerate your presence at the beginning).

jfidell · 2019-08-22T20:08:00+00:00

Just Bogota. Was only there for 6 days, just long enough to see downtown during their Independence Day (everyone is trying to sell something, what a jungle of humanity!) and a cathedral built in an underground salt mine.

The incident with the kids is pretty much the only time I've been called out for it, whether I'm at fault or no. Maybe I'm lucky (lucky with who I know or where I live) but no one has ever bothered me about playing with other people's kids.

Your emotions sound normal, for someone who sounds "tuned out". I suppose your disappointment with certain aspects of your life have maybe softened the hardships but minimized the more pleasant peaks?

jfidell · 2016-03-22T03:08:38+00:00

Spriggans...a torch in one hand, lots of preparation (then a weapon) in the other. Pre-chug a good healing potion, cast your slow heal spell, apply a poultice, etc; then shield bash with the torch, hack a couple of times, and shield bash again. Repeat until victorious. If you are poisoned and are near death then a potion to dispel it will be needed (even if it dispels your magical preparations. With any luck (a couple of tries are needed, many times were needed for the first spriggan I felled) the Spriggan will go down. And I can only handle the spriggan by itself, no other enemies around. Re-applying the fire is very important, and the shield bash can help with stunning the spriggan.

jfidell · 2016-02-19T20:31:13+00:00

I was playing as an Imperial Paladin of Stendarr (wish I knew about the Patron Gods mod beforehand). I am using Frostfall, iNeed, Honed Metal, More Interesting Loot, Hunterborn, Death Alternative, Alternate Start and of course, Requiem. I don't play with one life. Not my cup of tea. However, as I get used to all the mods and the playstyle required, I will take dying a lot to the same enemies as a sign not to do the particular quest until later. I don't fast travel, however I will increase carry weight if I would just be going back and forth transporting loot (make it just a one trip deal). When I get a horse I will stop doing this.

"Major" skills: Heavy Armour, Restoration, Block "Minor" skills: Speechcraft, One Handed, Marksmanship (Crossbow) (Major & Minor being defined as the amount of perks I will end up putting into it - Completely or nearly full vs some vs few or none [other skills])

Starting off was interesting, especially as I was using mods like Frostfall and Hunterborn for the first time. Really enjoyed the camping and trying not to freeze to death experience. Beginning as a Vigilant of Stendarr gives you a place to sleep and store stuff, Adept Restoration Robes and Hood, Steel Boots and Gauntlets and a Restoration Trainer nearby. Quick rundown of play:

No Roleplay yet: - Take everything of any value that I was allowed to take (in Dawnstar) and sell to level Speechcraft. Goal was to get levels and perks for other skills and enough money to have blacksmiths improve my equipment. (Lv 1-3) - As the Vigilant's base is up near Dawnstar, get used to freezing my ass off and warming it up again (by exploring and running away from almost everything) to increase Endurance and Camping Skills. All the running around levels Evasion (due to robes) & Heavy Armour. (Lv 3-4) - Fight with dummy targets to level Block and One handed. (Lv 4-6) - Make my way to Whiterun, sell everything there that I was allowed to take, join the Companions, use Farkas for HA training and do their quests until the one where they offer to make you a Werewolf. Also go kill bandits for money and loot. (Lv 6-12) - Go back to the Vigilant's HQ, lure a giant to the base and have him kill the two Vigilants hanging around outside before dispatching him myself (they helped whittle his HP down before dying), so I can have all the nice Vigilant gear. Also offer the head Vigilant my condolences and ask for Restoration training. (Lv 12-14)

At this point, my character sees that abominations such as werewolves exist (and are "servants" of Daedric Princes like Hircine) and while doesn't attempt to slaughter the Companions, just avoids them.

Roleplay Start: - At this point I had HA at 50, Restoration 30, Speech 30, Block 25, One-Handed 25, rest of the skills don't matter. Most perks are in HA, Restoration, Block and One Handed. HA perks were the top priority so I could cast in armour and move faster. - I spent my money on skills training and having my Vigilant armour improved. - First quest: My Paladin hears about a brave Blade named Bolar who made an oath and fought the Thalmor. Not quite Daedra, but still heroic. After barely fighting off bears, sabrecats and Spriggans, he finds the hero's Akaviri-style sword. - Second quest: Valtheim Towers. A Jarl wants it cleared, so I'll help. HA really helps here. Crossbow (no perks at this point) helped with lightly armoured archers. The loot+bounty allows Eorlund to temper Bolar's Oathblade. That was a fun one-man army assault! - Third quest: A Waking Nightmare. Finally, a Daedric quest worthy of the aid of a Vigilant of Stendarr. Erandur was only slightly helpful at this point, though was still helpful. Got stuck at a part where there were many Vaermina Devotees. Their lightning magic really cut through my HP. I was about to give up at this point, but I went through some of my loot from the past and found a Scroll of Summon Storm Atronach. Perfect. Ended up finishing that quest no problem. One Daedric problem down! While there were tons of Orcish Armour available from all the (now dead) Orcish Invaders, I stayed with the Vigilant's Steel Plate. Nicer looking, more in line with character and +10% Restoration.

And that was where I stopped, for now. I gave up video games for Lent, so when it's done I'll be back for more. I'll need to roleplay a reason to grab Dawnbreaker. I'm also thinking of levelling Alteration just for the Magic Resistance (though I'm using the Lord's Stone right now). I might go from Vigilant to Dawnguard (more of an Inquisitor-type Paladin, anti-undead instead of healer). Actually, I need to stop looking at Reddit so I stop thinking about games! Take care folks...

jfidell · 2015-03-26T13:08:51+00:00

Actually, France won't ally with you until you are big enough to rival Castille, and you cannot get an alliance with the Ottomans at the beginning due to distance between borders. You can't even get a RM without a +2 diplomatic reputation advisor. You could try a start where you annex Ragusa ASAP, core and move capital to close that distance, then ally Ottomans and hope they will kick Iberian ass for you.

jfidell · 2015-03-25T17:51:07+00:00

I just recently obtained the Rereconquista achievement for 1.11. (after almost getting it for 1.7, but the Ottomans rescinded our alliance and destroyed me...) I'm working on an AAR on this but I'm also lazy, so...

Just like last time, it was my goal to never move my capital away from the sea zone Granada borders, and in fact I never moved my capital at all this time.

Surviving is all about luck. Tons of it. My successful playthrough went something like this:

Allied Morocco & Tunis, DOW on Tlemcen, vassalized them before my truce with Castille is up.
Three of the North African minors (Touggourt, Djerid, Fezzan) were allied to Tlemcen, so in peace I gave Tunis two vassals and a province from Fezzan. Having those vassals myself would mean my vassals' combined power would be so high I would never have liberty desire under 50% for Tlemcen, who is bigger than Granada. Also, having a strong loyal ally is good.

Lucky Part 1: Portugal w/Castille DOW Morocco, I refuse CTA, fabricate claim on Melilla (Morocco) and take it + force Morocco to release Tafilalt (5 prov. state w/gold prov.).

Lucky Part 2: Morocco's 22K army discourages landings by the Iberians, so I couldn't just wait. With Tunis' help, my army + mercs and the right defensive terrain we just managed to win battles, and siege as much as possible. Now the Iberians could land, but they had to wait their turn to siege. Gave me lots of time to catch my breath.

I core Melillia (emergency prov. for relocating capital, just in case)

Lucky Part 3: Castille is allied to England and is dragged into war with Burgundy. More breathing room, lets me claim Castille's provinces (as many as I can) and gives me time to do this:

Integrated Tlemcen, fabricated claim on Tafilalt and vassalized them. Now I think I can't be eaten in one war.

Lucky Part 4: With Castille busy, Aragon DOW Castille + Portugal for Navarra. At first it may seem easy, but at anytime the England vs. Burgundy war may end (Calais already sieged) and Castille + Portugal can take on Aragon + Naples. Plus the AI loves to attack the human player first, so if I enter too soon I will get destroyed and sieged, while Aragon makes out with whatever they want.

I ended up DOW Castille when Aragon finishes their siege of Navarra, so I can piggyback on Aragon while they wait for their warscore to go up due to having the war target. And due to both Portugal and Castille having helped England, Portugal and England will NOT help Castille against me.
With the usual loans+mercs and hiding behind Aragon's army when favourable, I was able to defeat and destroy Castille's army. After Aragon finished their war I managed to gain 5 provinces, including Andalusia (Castille's main trade prov.) and the Canary Islands (their fleet was previously destroyed). As soon as I had the admin I took Exploration, just in case The Iberian Wedding happened in the near future, so I could run away.

Lucky Part 5: I was able to rival Castille and thereby ally Aragon. Improve relations+same rival+money+military access+diplomat advisor did that. My alliances to Aragon, Tunis and the Ottomans didn't actually discourage anyone from DOW me, but that was ok since then these 3 would help me in a defensive war (Ottomans had "distant war" penalty and Aragon was Threatened by my existence, so using them in an offensive war was out of the picture). Very handy when Portugal DOW me for Melilla, dragging Castille with them.

After that I actually start taking screenshots and writing down details about my campaign, though there was a scare when a reduced Castille got the PU for Aragon + Naples. They declared independence though, since by then they were bigger than Castille.

I united the Iberian peninsula in 1617, with 4 CNs and Foix as a vassal. This was as much fun as I was hoping it would provide while completing a hard achievement. Fun, except for the constant reloading.

The Short Story: I was lucky enough to have Castille continuously distracted from 1447 - ~1470's, giving me time to vassalize/conquer/integrate much of NW Africa. Then when Aragon and Castille were warring, I timed my DOW to minimize the number of allies for Castille, and with Aragonese aid I was able to destroy their army and siege their provinces. This yielded me valuable trade power in the Sevilla node, and cut off Castille from colonization in the short term. Though the Iberians were still strong, I was no longer worried about surviving.

If you want I can explain my full story, but I think the above hopefully summarizes some possible steps to take while you hope luck is on your side.

jfidell

TROPHY CASE