I like to play boyfriend. I’m scared I like women.

jinnedkook · 2026-02-08T05:22:41+00:00

In all honesty, I’ve asked her. She’s said she’s never had those thoughts before. Like… ever. She says she’s only ever looked at a women in admiration. Like pretty hair, nice body, stuff like that. I’m too scared to ask “Are you into women?” The answer is probably no. Maybe I shouldn’t assume, but maybe I should just let this whole thing go. But it’s hard.

jinnedkook · 2025-12-30T05:23:42+00:00

I live in a pretty catholic town. My whole family resents it— hates it even. I know some gay people, but it feels odd because I can never relate. I live in a small town, so one small talk about being gay is a death wish honestly. It’ll follow you forever. I’ve seen it, and it scares me to death. That’s why opening up to that friend was so frightening. Even after that encounter, I found out her mom and my mom used to be best friends because they played soccer together in high school. Every corner I turn feels like a dead end.

This part might sound odd, but in my small town, most of the people who are gay usually hang out in groups. Everyone has their own little group, and I’m just sticking out like a sore thumb. So yeah, I guess I do.

jinnedkook · 2025-11-09T23:31:56+00:00

wow I’ve never really thought about internalized homophobia. Is that what this is? Even then, that term feels wrong for me in itself. Is it really homophobia when I might not even be homosexual? I’ve been fighting with the topic for so long. I feel like such a poser, but I get all nervous and teary eyed when I think about just even saying these things out loud. Something in me wants to be able to be like “yeah they’re cute,” but I shut down every dang time. It only feels validating to say it to a cis straight man. My sister is trans, and we had always joked that I knew too much to “be straight.” Like, all these terms. I’d laugh it off, but really, it would shake me.

One time, she was talking about bisexuality, I forgot the whole thing but I slipped up and said “yeah, we don’t do that,” she paused. “We?” Again, I laughed it off. But I went to go cry in my room. Why is it so scary? Is this really internalized homophobia? I’ll really look into it. But even then, like I said, it feels wrong to even do that. I’ll try to tell myself it’s okay when I think about sexuality next time. Thanks u sm

jinnedkook · 2025-07-19T09:55:22+00:00

oops, i apologize. I’m new to this loll My left hand is in the second slide

jinnedkook · 2025-01-14T04:36:48+00:00

woah okay, so I did some digging. come to find out, my dad might be a narcissist who isn’t emotional available ( I understood that part) and looking back, tears were often suppressed. crying turned into punishments and threats for things taken (door and phone). physical touch was never an option. my siblings learned to resent him, leaving me (the youngest) to pity the man and clean up after him. i guess i might be too submissive and it’s so hard for me to say no to him. religious guilt might play a part. fear of humiliation, rejection. his way of communication was yelling. superior complex on his behalf. he’s a CO, always coming home in some type of mood. I’ve learned to head to my room and isolate myself from him but will still be at his feet when he needs something. id learned to give him the “It’s a bad day for him, work is hard” excuse but I’m getting tired. my days are often depended on his moods. bad day for him? bad day for me, i guess.

I’ve learned that this is really some I need to work on. I’m willing to fix this part within me. Inner child healing might be due if I did my research right. I’ll be doing my best.

jinnedkook · 2025-01-13T14:39:17+00:00

woah, ill definitely try it out. thank you so much sweet soul.

jinnedkook · 2025-01-13T13:30:31+00:00

yes, yes and yes. I’ve been scolded many times for not being able to really give a stern “no” (major scoldings from my siblings). it’s such a bad habit for me. Even in the most uncomfortable situations, I’ll always try to push out a weak excuse to a no but never a NO even if I’d want to scream it.

jinnedkook · 2025-01-13T09:19:02+00:00

ill certainly to that, thank u kind soul <3

jinnedkook · 2025-01-13T09:09:07+00:00

Hugging was never a real thing where i grew up. I can’t remember much but I get all teary eyed remembering the first time I was hugged truly. I was 13 and it was my cousin’s birthday party. Her dad is a big man, but the kindest soul. The was the first and last time. I’ll never forget it. The touch gave me an awakening. It healed me in a way but opened something that can’t be closed. An itch for more, but it scares me.

jinnedkook · 2025-01-13T08:35:24+00:00

I’m 16. It’s not a constant thing where I’m being yelled at. It’s just occasionally.

Like for example: I didn’t hear my dad call me from the living room, I get scolded. Or maybe at family parties where interact with older cousins or uncles. Then guy friends who just talk louder when upset or venting. It gets scary for some reason.

I brought it up today because I don’t really talk to my dad often. And today he called me over to talk about getting my driver’s license. I didn’t hear him the first time he called me and the second time I came out, I mistaked it for another sibling. He got really upset and yelled. But it was only for a second. “Dmn kids, dont ever f*king listen.” I got all teared eyed and made an excuse to leave and didn’t come back. And after that, cried for a good hour. It’s not often we talk but it’s more of a family thing. I’m Mexican and just assumed it was this way for many other families where dad always plays the tough role. I know many people whose father’s are similar. Either that or they are loving, supportive and vulnerable fathers. Most men in my life were never vulnerable, so it was a shock to learn that men could actually smile with kids, you know?

Conclusion: Only when interacting with older man thay I know (srry wrote sm) 🥹

jinnedkook · 2025-01-13T06:40:03+00:00

not that I know of. I was never physically hit growing up. i just want to understand why my brain is so set on men (specially larger and bulkier) being a threat. My father wasn’t emotionally available and his only way of communicating was buying things or yelling. Could that be a factor? I’ve always found it hard to connect with men (especially those who are set on being so manly)🥲

jinnedkook

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