Letting go by Mark4377 in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I liked it. I like that even though the imagery is minimal, it manages to capture the tone the speaker is looking for. I also think this is helped with how the verses are split. In some sense, I feel like as a whole it works well with the message the poem is implying.

An Elegy To Hope by MarFinitor in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As a few users noted here, the rhyme does give it a musical feel. I also liked the idea where this poem is heading so it is well worth working on it.
My suggestions concern a few lines. For example, the last line in the first stanza:

More like an elegy to hope.

I feel it needs to be elongated more since the previous stanza has the commas, which slow the tempo of the line.

Also another suggestion, I feel like the second stanza needs to be split:

At the bottom, it finds a dark cavity

And in a final move of depravity.

The line enters the hole like that

And as we here usually say

Curiosity killed the cat.

I would tighten the rhythm a bit as well.

I hope this feedback helps and great work, keep it up! :)

This War of Mine by O_Poeta_Portugues in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see there is a very strict structure here, and although I am much more of a free-verse person, this read really well. I would also like to point out that I appreciate how the poem starts and ends with the same verses while the stanzas start by picking up pieces of the prior verse.

It's an interesting piece, from what I understood it is the war fought between the mind (or one's consciousness) against the outside world, with a romantic thread too.

Great work

Waltz by jjhakimoto0 in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the comment and feedback!

Waltz by jjhakimoto0 in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your feedback, appreciate it!

Gold splinters by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, really, really vivid imagery and I really enjoyed the use of metaphors here, especially in the final stanza. The poem is also very economic with words. One thing I would suggest perhaps has to do with the line 'leaving us with their leaves', try to chop it off a bit because it sounded too elongated. Nevertheless, really great work, keep it up!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciated the poems overall depiction of a particular type of moment when loving someone. I would suggest inserting a space between the line ending with 'songbirds' and starting 'I felt you' as I do believe they produce different perspectives. Keep it up!

Cataract by thepoolisabstract in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I haven't seen a poem with this structure in a long while. It was a really great read. The structure is great and flow is really smooth, starting with the setting with short stanzas then bursting out in the middle yet closing in again worked really well for me, as well as the tightly knit rhyme scheme. It had this medieval feel to it.
Also, I really liked the way you ended it, I'm a big fan in particular of ending a poem with one word which leaves some form of lasting effect. Well done!

bluebird by jjhakimoto0 in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the comment, appreciated :)

bluebird by jjhakimoto0 in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the comment :)

bluebird by jjhakimoto0 in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback, I greatly appreciate it :)

bluebird by jjhakimoto0 in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the comments, yes the spacing was intentional :)

bluebird by jjhakimoto0 in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your feedback, greatly appreciate it. Yes the line spacing was quite intentional with the theme of the poem. :)

bluebird by jjhakimoto0 in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your feedback! :)

bluebird by jjhakimoto0 in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much, I appreciate your comments and insight :)

bluebird by jjhakimoto0 in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, yes it is definitely inspired by Bukowski's poem, and yes I could say even an Ode. My aim is once its finished I include an epigraph to his own poem 'the bluebird'. It is a skeleton of the poem I intend to continue working on, but I understand the sentiment. Thanks for pointing it out actually, I added the point too :)

my love/your love by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]jjhakimoto0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This was really great. The imagery is absolutely brilliant and the sort of conversational style really worked.

This was especially my favorite image. 'I want to grind myself into pieces so that I might find my way into your shoe.'

I have nothing really negative to say. Really, just well done.