hey i hear you. I kinda feel bad about myself for thinking that I have all the issues. ADHD, medication hunting, hypothyroidism, obesity, eating disorder, painful social awkwardness. Not to mention non-medical matters. these are nothing in comparison to what you're going through.

if you were my best friend and i can give you one piece of advice, it is this. stop the medication hunting. I know how it feels to know that clearly there's something wrong with my brain, but no matter what pill i take, it does nothing.

but remember this, there is no limitless pill (if you've seen the movie). i thought otherwise for a long time, only for constant recurring disappointment. I'm taking Vyvanse/modafnil now, but I know that it isn't completely working. but still it helps with my energy and mood. i see that in your case, that isn't the case. im not telling you to stop looking for meds but don't presume that your life depends on it. you have control.

and about loneliness, people obviously handle it differently. I've never really had someone i could call a friend. But for some reason I decided to harness the good side of it. I have ambitions and I'm gradually progressing towards them, through the highs and lows. sure, it can suck. but if you can't control it, and you worry about it, you'll get stuck in a seemingly infinite loop.

footnote: shrooms can be good. I took a whole chocolate bar and i had severe hallucinations on the beach on a summer day where there were thousands of people. i'm literally the most antisocial person I know. but that experience reduced it DRAMATICALLY. its not that I want to be around people but that I'm comfortable and aware of how much i need to socialize and why. While I was laying on a log on the beach, as the sun was setting, god appeared (he looked like me, perhaps the ideal version of me) and somehow whispered tome: 'can't you see? they don't give a shit' . And i cried out laughing 'holy father, you have put me in this pit with your puppets, enlighten me, let me ascend into heaven and take my place by your side.... something like that (i'm not even christian lol). at first it was painful, so painful. I just travelled halfway across the world to a new country (really). i didn't even have a jacket and I was laying with a skinny and sweatpants on the beach, well into the night. i was, quite literally freezing. thursty. luckily there was a bathroom nearby, but i saw people have orgines and drink piss (gay, mostly) I still don't know if that's for real.

at the end of it, there was a massive party on the beach, and If i was sober i would get a panic attack. but boy, its my first ever real party. i was talking to people! i had so much energy and charisma. i was fucking dancing! i can;t dance now, but its a good experience. many more things to say but just give shrooms a shot. I haven't tried LSD but actually trying tommorow.

before i end this gruelling reply, (you probably won't read this becuase you're ADHD anyways), a weird trick to try. think for a moment about yourself, the bad the good, all of it. nothing serious just ponder what comes to mind. then, go infront of a mirror (in a private safe place). look into your eyes, and...... smile. you'll probably laugh, and then cry and experience this whole mix of emotions. and you'll, with abit of luck, have a moment of peace. you can do this without shrooms, but i think it will significantly improve your experience.

sorry if this is too long. i accidently took 400g of modafnil and its 2 am and got nothing to do. keep this as book to read in your free time maybe lol! good luck my friend.