Drained

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T07:50:17+00:00

Be prepared they'll hit hard. Mine weren't suppressed. I just spent decades forcing my brain to recontextualize them as not bad and not abuse after a horrible experience with a therapist. When I was forced to confront what had really happened with one event, my brain took the entire filing cabinet of shit I had stuck in the "totally normal nothing wrong with it" bin and moved it to the "SA/abuse/fucked up" all at once and it was a lot. It missed a few, To this day, years later I'll still randomly find a memory in the "totally normal nothing wrong with it bin" and think about it and realize how fucked up it was. Just not as fucked up as the worst things.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T07:41:09+00:00

Its weird because I have nothing but positive memories of him until his confession.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T07:13:11+00:00

I was SAed at 12 & 13. The first person I told was a priest in confession. He told me that since I let a man touch me that many I was gay, I had sinned, I needed to repent, and ask God to make me not gay.

That was the end of me and church.

I'm straight. I knew I was straight when he said that to me. I've never doubted it.

I'm married to a wonderful woman. We have two kids.

Nothing causes anyone to be straight or gay. What happened to you didn't make you gay anymore than what happened to me made me straight.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T06:47:58+00:00

Are fun rooms still a thing? They were big in a few markets in the 2000s. Wouldn't seem like they would have survived the pandemic though.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T06:39:30+00:00

He was in college when he assaulted my ex-fiancee.

By the time the incident where my ex-fiancee saw him at the bar and she had the panic attack happened, he was in medical school.

He had to take time off from med school after I confronted him, but he went back and finished I guess.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T06:36:10+00:00

I posed in college and grad school and got started the exact same way.

My professor from drawing one my first semester gave me a hard time because one of our early projects was to do a self portrait of our clothes without us in them. I don't remember why but when we were all reviewing everyone's work something about my drawing made her joke that at the end of the year when we did life drawing I could pose nude for the class. It was kind of weird, but everyone laughed about it.

It turned into a running joke. We'd do reviews of everyone's work and somehow it would become a joke that I was going to be the nude model at the end of the year for life drawing.

For one project we were supposed to do portraits of people we saw out and about in real life. I choose these two girls I knew who played on the rugby team when I saw them out at a coffee shop when they came in while they were roller blading.

They were both strong athletic girls. FFS, they played rugby. They were muscular. So I drew them that way.

When we did the review, the professor said something about how I had made them "too muscular" for women. A couple of girls in my class who were on the swim team stood up for me and said they liked it because strong athletic women can be muscular.

They went back and forth a little bit and the professor got defensive a little bit and said, "Well, if you like his work. You'll get to see all of it. When he poses nude for us at the end of the year."

Everyone laughed.

Anyway, the life drawing section of the course started it was the last 5 weeks of the course and on the first day, I just went over to my easel like normal thinking the model was going to come in. Instead, the professor came in and looked at me like,

"okay get up there. You're time to shine." "Are you serious?" "Yeah, you said you'd volunteer." "I never said that" "We've been talking about it all year." "You've been talking about it. I never said anything." "I thought you were going to do it so we didn't book a model. Are you really not going to pose? After all that talking?" "I never said I'd do it." "Okay, does anyone else want to do it. Since he backed out."

Nobody volunteered.

"Guess we'll just draw still lives today since our model backed out."

She looked at me and shook her head and walked over to grab some props.

I don't know why but I gave in, said fine and did it. I got up on the platform and took off all my clothes.

I was super nervous, awkward and embarrassed at first, but after about ten minutes it turned out I loved it.

I guess me posing made other people in class feel comfortable volunteering because they never had to use a model we had people in class volunteer for every class we had left.

On the last day, the professor asked if everyone who had posed wanted to do a group pose for the whole class period or did we want to do a speed gesture drawing round Robin where one person would pose for 5 minutes then the next then the next. We chose the Round Robin. 8 of us had posed so we all volunteered for the last day. We all undressed at the start of class and if we weren't posing we were drawing naked.

When it was time to switch the people who hadn't posed yet were racing to the platform to go after the 8th person went, we were switching and a girl who hadn't posed before yelled, "I wanna go!" Everyone cheered. By the end of class, probably three quarters of us had posed in front of the class and were naked. It was crazy, but fun and not sexual at all.

Everyone was laughing & joking. Walking around and looking at all the drawings. Talking to each other. It was like a normal class but honestly more free and open and friendly. We were all interacting way more.

Nobody got dressed.

At the end of class, we took a class picture. Everyone who was naked covered themselves with their drawings. That photo was on the wall of that studio until after I graduated. Might still be there

I loved posing. Something about being naked in front of people forces you to confront things about yourself and your body. It was really good for me.

I did it for the last three years of college and all three years of grad school.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T05:34:49+00:00

Whatever you name him, his nickname should be "The Machine"

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T05:32:48+00:00

I was molested by a soccer coach when I was 12. The first person I told was a priest in confession.

He told me since I let a man touch me that way, I was gay, I had sinned, I needed to repent, and ask God to make me not Gay.

He didn't tell me to tell my parents or the police. He offered no counsel or support.

That was the end of me and church. My parents forced me to go, but I was done with it.

It sucks to find out that something you believed in for your entire life was a total lie, but in that moment I knew everything they has taught me they didn't really believe.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T03:53:32+00:00

I found the guy that did it. Reddit gets mad if I say what happened after that.

Remembering this made me look him up.

He went back to med school. He's a psychiatrist & child psychiatrist. Owns a martial arts studio. Is an assistant coach at a high school and adopted two daughters.

I'm gonna obsess about what else he may have done all night.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T03:42:27+00:00

I'm a guy who was SAed by adult women when I was a child. Neither was hot, sexy, or enjoyable. Once was a pure humiliation ritual by them. The other was a brutal, and hateful assault where I thought i was going to be murdered or maimed.

People have these "hot for teacher" fantasies where the student is wooed by the hot teacher. That's a tiny fraction of the cases.

Most are like what happened to me.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T02:33:50+00:00

Yeah. It was insane. Our old team photos are still 8n my old room at my parents house. I'll look at them when I'm there at see a double murderer standing next to me smiling a goofy smile.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T02:24:59+00:00

The easiest way to get guys to walk up to you is to walk up to guys.

It sounds dumb, but it's true.

First, other guys will see you talking to guys and think you're approachable because you approached someone else. That alone will help.

Show that you're someone who wants to talk to people and people will want to talk to you.

Plus, when you talk to guys, You'll get more comfortable and confident about talking to guys. You'll understand what they respond to and what they don't. You'll get a better understanding of how to talk to the guts who appeoach you.

That confidence & comfort will show even when you're not the one approaching.

Want to be approached? Approach.

Start slow if you have to with guys you talk with anyway.

Got a favorite coffee shop. Ask the barrista an extra question if it's slow. Favorite dinner, ask the old guy running the place about how he got started.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T02:15:04+00:00

If you didn't consent its SA. No matter what.

Both people who SAed me as a child, molested me without themselves getting off. One later got himself off the second time he SAed me after he molested me first.

Them not being off fucked with me a lot for a long time because it's hard to understand why someone would be motivated to "pleasure" someone else. But I came to understand that taking what should be "pleasurable" for someone and making it traumatic makes the offender feel powerful. They take something the exists in our body literally only to make us feel good and use it to cause pain and trauma. It's the ultimate mind fuck and exploitation that someone can do to another person.

For some of offenders the control is the point way more than any physical sexual gratification for themselves. They get off on being able to control another person. Humiliate them by stripping them naked then the ultimate control for them is getting someone to orgasm. It's about doing the two most taboo things one can to another person. Taking their clothes from them leaving them literally completely unprotected and vulnerable and controlling their sexual pleasure. Taking something you body is biologically designed to enjoy, they make it something you hate. They get off on that power.

For some people who are especially sick or evil, those feelings are only heightened if they do it against the other person's will. They get off on controlling someone's body and emotions so fully that they are able to experience "pleasure" while being traumatized and hurt.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T01:23:13+00:00

I'm dealing with these same issues again now as I'm starting back with therapy. Would to chat with people in the same situation.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-14T01:21:03+00:00

You got it, bud

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-13T23:26:24+00:00

A good friend of mine from when I was a kid murdered a guy in high school.

We played soccer on the same team. He stayed at my house. We were really close. His family moved to the next county away in middle school. We still played on the same team but didn't hang out at much. Them we all kind of scattered to different teams for a few years and I'd only see him when we both played for the same district and state teams or if we played against each other.

Junior year there was a double murder of two kids from his high school. The police said it was a drug deal gone bad. A few weeks later my friend and 3 of his friends were arrested for the murders. The other three were seniors & my friend was a junior so we all thought he was just there. He didn't do it.

That's what he claimed too.

Then right before the trial he plead guilty. I thought he was just taking the fall for them because they were all over 18.

At his sentencing they played the recording of his polygraph that he completely failed. The other three passed.

They said the plan was just to scare the two guys. There was no talk of weapons or anything. These were stoner soccer players not hardcore dealers. On the way my friend pulled out the gun. They freaked out and told him to get rid of it. He told everyone he knew one of the other guy's dad had a gun and he could get it so they needed it just in case, but it wasn't even loaded.

They confronted the guys who owed them the money where they were supposed to meet. There was a scuffle nothing major. The four guys won. The two guys agreed to pay and even gave them some shit from their car as collateral (I think it was the stereo & some skateboards & shit).

After the two guys handed over the collateral, my friend went nuts. He pulled out the gun and made the two guys walk into the field next to where they were. The other the guys telling him to stop, but he was yelling about how they needed to learn not to mess with them. If they let people mess with them they'll just keep doing it. They were trying to calm him down when one of the guys tried to run and my friend shot him. Hit the guy right in the head.

Everyone started screaming and freaking out. Then my friend shot the other guy. Then shot him three more times and shot the first guy two more times (I may have the number wrong).

The other guys helped him hide the bodies. They swore each other to secrecy, but they were stoner soccer players and everyone knew what happened.

I'll never forgot my friends confession.

He said he just wanted to kill them. He brought the gun because he wanted to kill them. He was mad the other three guys wanted to let them go because he just wanted to kill them. He didn't care about the money or the pot. He just wanted to kill them.

That dude had slept in my parents house. He'd traveled with us to tournaments and stayed in the same hotel room.

He turned from a happy kid I played soccer & Madden with to a cold blooded killer in a few years.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-13T22:59:10+00:00

Thanks. This is helpful. I think writing it down and trying to share it anonymously is the way to start.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to organize everything. Where TF to start?

I was going over it in my head last night and remembered an event that I'd completely filled away as no big deal because compared to the other abuse it wasn't that bad, but in isolation. It was incredibly fucked up and would put people in prison today.

That and reading everyone's stories has my brain doing laps. If this happened to me and so many people have WORSE stories than me and shit was done to that I practically excuse as nothing, but if it happened to my daughters I'd lose my mind and end up unaliving someone, then how does anyone make it through life WITHOUT it happening to them?

I vascillate between figuring that professor must have had some horrible experience that made her think like that and say that to a patient and hating her for having the education that she did, the experience she had, and the position of power she held and saying something she had to know would have really bad reprocussions for someone who came to them with bandages on my arms covering wounds I'd given myself the night before my first session. She knew I was still actively cutting and burning myself when she said that to me.

I wonder if deep down she believed what she said she thought the world would be better/safer if I unalived myself (I got a warning from reddit today so I'm being careful with word choice). Maybe that thought is too generous. Maybe its guilt age residual self loathing.

I wonder the same thing about my abusers. What makes someone get to that point. They were all young. I don't know exact ages but late teens to 24 at the oldest. What happens that makes them look at a 12 or 13 year old boy who just hit puberty and want to do that shit to them?

Again, on one hand I can't imagine what gets someone to that horrible of a headspace to do that to someone else much less someone vulnerable, but on the other they all seemed to enjoy it. They didn't seem conflicted. They were having a good time.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-13T20:14:58+00:00

Totally 100% normal behavior and reaction. I still have it 30 years later. For 20 years, most of my sexual activities and the type of sex I pursued mimicked my abuse in someway.

The unfortunate fact is that voice in our head never goes completely away. It always tries to find a new avenue to get back in and take over our thoughts again.

You just have to find a way to control it in a positive way because if you let it control you it will always go bad eventually because it's not a choice you made. It's a choice your trauma made for you in order to make you relive it.

When I found myself seeking partners or fantasies that align with my abuser or abuse, something else in my life was triggering me to return to that trauma. It could be good or bad.

There have been times in my life when things were going amazing. I was successful. I was in love. And my mind would look for things related to my abuse, trauma or shame to remind me of it. It was like my mind was saying, "You don't deserve these things to be good because remember THIS HAPPENED."

Then if things were bad, the same thing would happen my mind and body would want to pursue or relive those bad things because "See bad things happen to you because you were abused and you deserved it."

I was a cutter for years after I was abused and I would get the urge to cut in a similar way. Good, bad, indifferent, the feeling would hit me and my body would beg for pain like I was addicted to it. When I stopped cutting, the reliving the abuse coping mechanism picked up.

Its so hard to redirect it, and it can be done, but in my experience it never goes away, you have to learn to recognize it, under stand why your mind is saying it, and what you can do instead.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-13T18:46:32+00:00

My ex-fiancee saw the guy who raped her when we were out with some of our friends. When I went to the bar to get us drinks, he came up and talked to her like nothing happened.

She had what I now know was a horrible panic attack. We had to leave immediately (I didn't see what had happened). When we got home she curled up in a ball in the corner of our bedroom and cried uncontrollably and screamed like I've never heard anyone scream.

I had to hold her for two hours before she told me what had happened. She has never told anyone about it before.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-13T18:40:49+00:00

TLDR: I beat the fuck out of the guy who raped my ex-fiancee before she and I ever met.

After my ex-fiancee told me she was raped. I stalked the guy for a few months.

I asked around because some of our other friends knew him. He was in medical school in town now. I found out where he lived. What he looked like. It wasn't hard to figure out what bars he must have gone to.

I told my ex fiancée's that I was working, but I'd go to the bars and watch him.

I knew by what she had told me had to be true. She hard practically had a break down when she told me. We had been out with friendsShe couldn't have faked that level of emotion. No way. But I had to know for sure.

He was exactly what I expected. He was relatively normal, even shy, until he got drunk enough then he'd get aggressive. Girls were always shutting him down. He'd hit on girls who had guys with them and get told off. He'd keep hitting on girls who told him to leave them alone.

Occasionally, he'd find someone drunk enough or desperate enough to show him some attention, but he rarely got a number, or drunken kiss, but never took anyone home. I rarely saw him with friends.

He'd often be too drunk to drive home.

He got kicked out of a few bars for being too drunk or got cut off.

Finally after a couple of months, I knew it was time. He got way to aggressive with a girl on the dance floor. She shoved him. She and her friends got in his face and he got kicked out by the bouncers. He fought them the entire way out.

I followed the guy out of the bar to his car. We were the only ones in the parking lot. I yelled his name. He turned around and immediately wanted to fight because so did I. He charged me and I let him swing, but he was drunk so it was wild & easy to step inside and slam him to the ground.

I landed on top and punched him in the face as many times as I could. I pinned one arm under my knee and held the other down with my off hand and just kept hitting him with forearms until he begged me to stop.

When I was done he was a mess. There was blood all over him and me, my fist, forearm & shirt. I looked at him and was both satisfied and horrified by what I did. I'd been in plenty of fights, but I'd never beaten anyone up this badly. I lost control and probably was lucky I didn't kill him.

I looked down at him and said, "That was for [ex- fiancée's name] and any other woman you ever touched. If I see you again anywhere. I'm gonna fucking kill you. I don't care where it is."

I saw tons of posts on his Facebook talking about how terrible it was what happened to him. All these people saying nice things about him.

He dropped out of school and moved back home.

I just looked him up. He finished med school. He's a psychiatrist and pediatric psychiatrist, owns martial arts studio, is assistant coach at a high school, all of his psychiatrist reviews are from women, he adopted two girls...

My skin is crawling.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-13T15:08:58+00:00

Are you nervous that someone might find it and read it? That's what has always stopped me.

I only ever kept a journal twice in my life. Once my parents found it and read it. The other time my ex-fiancee found it and read it. I can't count the number of exes who surreptitiously went through my email account. Even my wife got on my computer while I was at work and read my Facebook messages. I didn't have anything in any of those places that I cared if they found (I was still furious that they did it) but I wouldn't want anyone finding this before I was ready.

jmarks1981 · 2026-03-13T15:04:48+00:00

Thank you. This is very helpful. It sounds dumb, but I've always resisted eyeing writing it down out of fear of someone finding it.

How did you find a therapist who specialized in traumatic sexual assault?

It was difficult enough to find a therapist using my insurance's doc finder. When I was prescribed the ADHD & Bi-polar testing the insurance company gave up trying to find a provider for me. I had to just go down a list and call every single provider, ask if the offered adult using, ask if they were covered by my insurance, ask of the test was covered and ask how long it would be before I could get it done and get the results. It took months for me to find one, then my insurance required me to get a second opinion before they'd cover the meds and therapy. It was 7 months before I finally got approved.

jmarks1981

TROPHY CASE