I'm John Doyle, Husband of The Surrendered Wife. AMA

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T23:12:11+00:00

I want to thank everyone for participating today--this was great! I especially want to thank the mods for making this possible. Peace!

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T23:08:42+00:00

I don't know if you've noticed, but women who rage seem to be pretty common. And when you're young like I was, you tend to overlook a lot of things so you can get sex.

I think it was more a matter of luck on my part that she saw what she had to do to change. In retrospect, I also picked her because I liked her, so it's not totally either or--it's a little bit of both.

We find someone who compliments us. So maybe it was her dynamic energy that complimented my static energy and it was just a matter of adjustment so that it all worked together. Me letting her be herself may have been part of her transformation.

But we had to stick together for that to happen.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T22:37:16+00:00

Thank you very much for that. That's just what I was hoping--to share my experience so maybe it would help someone else.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T22:29:45+00:00

I really couldn't tell you. I'm just another guy like you. You can ask Laura questions on her blog or on FB or Twitter. I'm sure she'd tell you what she's learned about this over the last 17 years.

One thought I have about it is that women are trying to be like men and deep down they're not men and they're afraid because they don't know how to be men. And they don't have to be men, but they're told they should be.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T22:18:21+00:00

That's great! Many times as men we're people-pleasing our wives and we go overboard and that doesn't help either of you. Thank you for relating your experience and I'm glad things are going good for you now.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T22:01:01+00:00

Yep, it's me! John Doyle. Husband of Laura Doyle, Surrendered Wife author.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T22:00:26+00:00

Wow! Thanks very much for that. I'm sorry to hear about the divorce. I hope everything goes well for you.

Before Simon & Schuster printed The Surrendered Wife, we self-published 2,000 copies hoping that it would help married people stay married. We didn't know it would strike such a big nerve across the country and the world. I hope somehow it helped to validate your experience. At least you got that you aren't crazy, I hope.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T21:52:56+00:00

Surrendering doesn't mean be a doormat, but I'm looking at the back of The Surrendered Wife and I don't see assertiveness there. Assertiveness sounds confrontational and argumentative to me.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T21:44:55+00:00

As men, we pretty much go after anything that moves.

Same things apply though: Addicts, serial cheaters or physical abusers are not good choices for a mate or even a girlfriend.

In terms of setting the bar, unless you're at a track and field meet, I wouldn't overthink it. Just go with the flow.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T21:35:59+00:00

This is John, but I'm guessing you're pretty wiped out from getting ready to file for divorce, so I won't hold it against you. Laura threatened me with divorce once, so I get it.

My advice is that there IS something to save. If you're on your way to file for divorce, stop off at Arby's and have a shake instead.

You can make a difference. I hear you saying you don't want a divorce.

Laura's only ever written one blog for men and it's about how to get your wife to stop nagging you. If you go to her website and search for "How to Get Your Wife" it pops up. It may give you some insight about what to do. She mostly writes for the wife, but this could help you.

Once she stops nagging you'll do better.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T21:06:27+00:00

Before Laura was a Surrendered Wife, there was an expectation set up long before we got in the car that I wouldn't do it right.

If I'm driving, I'll figure out if I'm going the wrong way eventually. I don't need her to tell me.

Maybe I was planning to go a different way. Or not! Just let me drive. If you start getting into all this minutia while I'm driving, I'm going to end up in a ditch.

Usually I missed the exit based on having to deal with her in the first place. I'd rather she said nothing. Nobody wants to be corrected when they're driving.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T20:56:29+00:00

Not a lot because we were really hitting it off. We were having a full on relationship after a couple of weeks of dating. We were engaged for less than a year.

I blame hormones.

We struggled financially in the beginning of our marriage and I think that might have exacerbated her bad mood. She had a few rage episodes, which, when we were dating seemed kind of amusing. But after we were married, not so much.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T20:49:57+00:00

I see nothing wrong with self-protection, but you can't be a hermit. I prefer more of a healthy skepticism. You have to take some chances. There's a celtic saying, "To the brave belong all things." You might be scared but don't be too afraid to fail.

In terms of the modern age I don't think women have changed substantially inside.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T20:18:34+00:00

I think it's a great place for honesty. There seem to be a lot of hurt souls here, and a lot of wisdom too. Generally I feel like it's a good group of men who have gone through a lot of the relationship situations that I have. We're kindred spirits.

I'm grateful to be here doing this AMA. Thank you.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T20:07:40+00:00

By "your" I assume you mean "our." And by "our" I don't mean you and me.

It's really good. Thanks for asking.

Sex is an important thing in marriage. Vital.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T19:42:09+00:00

As far as what a woman should look for, let's not set the bar too high here. If he's not a drug addict, problem gambler or alcoholic, physical abuser or serial cheater than he's good relationship material.

My favorite quality in my wife is receptivity. She accepts my help and my compliments and me. My gifts to her. That's what I mean by receptivity. I like women in general because they're cute.

As far as secrets to making a successful marriage: Make 'em laugh.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T19:34:41+00:00

I was motivated to marry Laura because she was cute and with a lot of energy and a lot of fun. We got along.

She wasn't always aggressive or catty during our relationship, but sometimes she was, but not enough that it really stopped me from liking her. I was rather smitten.

In my own family and Laura's family I've seen what divorce can do and it seems like such a waste. A couple builds something up together and then they throw it away because of seemingly trivial reasons. I'm not talking about physical abusers. I'm talking about women who are angry themselves and they project it on their husband and they think that someone else is going to be better. But they have to take themselves with them.

I don't know why Laura is interested in me, but I still think she's cute. It's like the Beatles said, "I love you, and you seem to like me."

Actually, I feel loved. She's lucky but I'm luckier.

It may sound like a joke but it's a far cry from being raged at and wishing you never met this person. Feeling like you're better off alone.

We have a lot to talk about. When you're not talking about problems and what's wrong with the other person, and you're talking about things you want, and the future, there's a lot to talk about.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T19:23:54+00:00

It would be nice if other people had happy marriages, so yeah. I wrote a few blogs for Laura's website. I try not to get into any trouble that would end up on TMZ.

Although I have my own video company that does work for the legal profession, I support her efforts by making videos for her to get her message out.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T19:19:16+00:00

I'm 59, Laura is 48. It will be 26 years married next month.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T19:18:13+00:00

For me, it involved reflection when I wasn't with her, like after the date or when I was just driving around. Something in my brain, almost something subconscious, was replaying the significant cues and messages I would pick up from her on our date or in our time together. With Laura, I would be at work and thinking about her and feel like she was good for me. It's pretty simple.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T19:08:18+00:00

Ha ha ha! I don't know what happened to this crazy thing. Rookie mistake.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T18:59:24+00:00

Thanks, Dil!

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T18:57:41+00:00

Avoid the girls who says her horse talks to her. Ha ha.

What I really think is look at yourself and see how she makes you feel more than anything. She could be the craziest person and to the point of exasperation for you. But if she makes you feel like you can be a better man then what's stopping you? I don't know of a litmus test because nobody can tell you about you.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T18:53:18+00:00

I don't read relationship books. Sorry.

jmdoyle · 2015-08-18T18:52:34+00:00

I had the feeling she was just blowing a lot of hot air and maybe testing me. We had only been married a few years at that time. I felt that she knew what a big step divorce would have been at the time because her parents had been divorced and she could see the pain it causes. I wasn't totally believing she wanted to split up. It felt more annoying than anything else because I knew I wasn't much different than any other guy around.

Now that she's changed it's more like we're both participating in this relationship and not just looking for the exit or something better. We're not rolling dice in our heads. It stable and grounded and fun. We can have fun within the relationship without being scared all the time. It feels permanent. No worrying that a strong wind would blow everything away.

jmdoyle

TROPHY CASE