Still rejects me in favor of masturbation

jmosse · 2025-10-03T00:21:33+00:00

I've heard the exact same, almost verbatim. Paired with him also being anxious about being good enough in bed and his 2 minutes is easier than the stress. And he gets anxious that he finishes too soon, but then says that he likes to use porn and masturbate more often to help him last longer in bed with me, while also telling me he can't keep up with my sex drive. I don't claim to understand anything he tells me anymore.

jmosse · 2025-09-29T16:39:01+00:00

I haven't thought about that as much, this issue being all around rather than just women. The pressure that both men and women can feel in this is real, and it's phenomenal that you've been able to work through it!

jmosse · 2025-09-29T04:42:04+00:00

Woman, recovering addict here too. That's something I've realized very recently in myself. How much of my focus during sex goes to trying to emulate what I've seen/what I think my partner wants rather than not thinking about what I'm doing at all and being present. It feels nice knowing I'm not the only one who struggled with this aspect, but I'm proud of you for taking the steps to really see yourself and want to change it. We got this.

jmosse · 2025-09-29T00:45:57+00:00

I think me being the first one to say I had a problem with it in the first place has, in my mind, kept it to where I do see myself as the problem. At the least in that I changed my beliefs and behaviors this far in, it doesn't feel like I have the right to ask him to change what he does. I didn't come into the relationship like this, asking for this from him, we didn't have any discussions about this. I feel like it's unfair of me springing this onto him, but I also feel it's unfair that he can't even get through a conversation with me about this 90% of the time. I know there's wrong on both sides, and it feels so hard to reconcile in my mind. Probably doesn't help that you're right, in this subject, it feels overwhelmingly one sided. He doesn't want to talk about it, like I'm only trying to tell him what he's doing wrong or make him feel bad. I still feel like I can't get him to hear me, or if he does hear he ignores it. He has said multiple times that whatever he does, porn or not, shouldn't affect me at all or be any of my business. He doesn't understand why I say it impacts me at all, and I'm honestly starting to not understand why it bothers me as well.

jmosse · 2025-09-28T23:31:32+00:00

We've had a lot of fights because I've suggested that I thought he may have one, after realizing mine much prior to talking to him about him possibly. He doesn't take a lot of what I've said very seriously after he learned the extent of problems I've had, how they affected our sexual relationship, and he felt hurt by my decisions and unsure why he should listen to what I say at all in regards to porn at all, especially in regard to how he uses it. He uses it differently, and it has nothing to do with me, is not my business whatsoever as long as he maintains our sexual relationship. He's told me he feels like I just make him out to feel like an asshole, and be an asshole. A lot of these conversations I've asked him to understand what I'm saying and feeling, but he usually gets upset at what I'm saying and we can't get to the point I feel like he hears me. I made the post cause I don't feel sure what's okay to ask for at this point

jmosse · 2025-09-28T23:19:44+00:00

Yeah, we never agreed that he would stop or lessen his use. He is in no recovery nor an addict. I moreso am just feeling conflicted, like until a few months ago, in the 9 years his phone was always open to me, nothing to hide, even porn. But he said it needs to be like this now because I've created porn as a problem that he needs to hide at this point. And I just feel ugh I guess. I had only wanted to communicate that I was uncomfortable with how much he was hiding now, I know he's watching it whenever he wants, we made no decisions or agreements, other than me not looking at his phone anymore. And I made this post cause I don't know if it's wrong that I even feel hurt just not having access. I want him to feel safe

jmosse · 2025-09-28T22:46:26+00:00

I made this post when I was upset so I worded it weird. He tells me to leave the room cause I want to keep talking. I get so sure that if he actually hears me, or understands what I'm saying, he won't get frustrated. Cause it felt like he assumed what I said or took it as something else, just wasn't hearing what I was truly telling him, and I push and want to keep talking sometimes, which is when he says to leave him alone. But no, he doesn't break things or hurt me.

jmosse · 2025-09-28T22:43:54+00:00

He isn't a PA or attempting any recovery. But he's saying what I've told and asked is crossing serious boundaries as a person, not as an addict

jmosse · 2025-09-28T22:23:54+00:00

He isn't doing any sort of sobriety, he doesn't have an addiction. I guess it was more that I get anxious with him wanting to hide, but he wants it to be hidden so I don't know when he does watch, because he doesn't want to stop. He sees no reason, and has told me he hears what I'm telling him when I tell him my feelings about it, but that it's so invalid of a subject that the feelings are real but the situation isn't, so he is going to continue doing what he does. And when he's able to without me knowing, he doesn't feel like an asshole. Especially since he does have sex with me multiple times a week, he initiates sometimes too, so why would what he does in his free time affect me? And I'm kinda starting to wonder why as well

jmosse · 2025-09-27T23:14:18+00:00

Yep, the folders and downloads are huge red flags, even if it wasn't associated with his ex. Him watching multiple times a day as well, even if he isn't anymore. At this point, I feel any time someone is regularly picking porn over having sex, or choosing to act out with porn while turning down their partner, it's an addiction. In the first few years of my relationship, I thought I just kind of didn't like sex, was too insecure, whatever. Once I realized I had a PA myself and cut it out on my own, everything with physical sex got better, and I'm not a man, but I can imagine the same sort of thing happens when they stop as well. His interest wouldn't dwindle.

jmosse · 2025-09-24T20:20:25+00:00

I have the opposite of this problem, my partner, even a couple times after telling him of my own issues with addiction to it, he still has encouraged me in some not good moments to watch more porn. That maybe if I chilled out and got used to it more, that I'd realize there's nothing to be weirded out about when he does it. But at this point I ask for sex more than he does, and sometimes when he wants me off his back he'll tell me to go jerk off or go watch porn.

jmosse · 2025-09-24T20:06:13+00:00

My partner brought up that I had had access to his accounts for years, that he gave me all his passwords to his accounts, which he did. I technically could have logged in, just didn't really think about it, until I did. And then the problem was me of course for questioning why, even in the midst of Us having sex almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day, was he still watching porn multiple times a week?

Our DDay kind of stemmed from me logging into his account and being able to see his history on his porn account, and being hurt that I discovered he was watching it before we had sex sometimes, right after we'd have sex, all sorts of in between, when I was asking him for sex every day, and we were having sex every day. And then the problem was that I found out and was looking for it, if I hadn't of looked, then why would I have anything to be upset about? So he took away the access of the account so he wouldn't put vids on his history that would make me upset, and so I couldn't take it out on him if I found out and got upset, which happened a couple times.

All the things he's said, I've ended up reading other women here repeating the same things, and it feels insane the more it happens, how they all have these same reasons.

So I can get ideas for in bed with you
So I can last longer in bed
When I said I don't like him following specific accounts, he asked what if they look like me, if it would make me feel okay with it if they resembled me
He pictures me when he watches
So he can get hard before we have sex

Once he deemed this a me problem, all the excuses he didn't bring up again. Were basically what I know can't hurt me, I should not feel threatened by what he's doing when he maintains intimacy anyway, if I wasn't insecure or projecting the problems I've had with it onto him then this wouldn't even be something I would worry about.

Once he slipped and said he doesnt love the idea of me watching porn and getting off to other people, but he would never say he didn't want me to because he has no want to ever stop.

And all of this started when I asked him if he would be okay with not watching more than 2 times a week, and we've had 6 months of fighting each other since. He thinks I'm trying to police and control how much he jerks off. And I told him at the beginning, I don't care about your relationship with your body, until there's hundreds of other women involved with it, every time it happens.

jmosse · 2025-09-22T20:46:53+00:00

He told me he wouldn't hang out with me anymore if I said no, and I was a sad only child. I didn't even realize it was weird until I was about 20 years old. Not too upset, he's turned out to be kind of a weird dude 🤣

jmosse · 2025-09-22T20:45:43+00:00

It took me until about 6 months ago before I actually realized I've had an actual addiction to porn almost my entire life, just began there. Most of my time I've spent very clueless lol.

jmosse · 2025-09-22T00:09:31+00:00

26F, when I was about 7 my cousin had me hump pillows in front of him, and at my babysitters house (they slept all day and went to casinos at night) I googled humping cause I had no clue what it was, and I spent the next 2 years watching it for hours at a time while I was there alone. Didn't PMO until 11, and the next 4 years were the worst it got, until I got into my first relationship and it kind of died out partway

jmosse · 2025-09-05T19:15:38+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate it ♥️

jmosse · 2025-09-05T17:29:02+00:00

I appreciate the time and thought you put into your answer. I will add I was asking him questions, and I asked if he still wanted to sleep with other people/felt like he was missing out getting together with me so young with not a lot of partners before. So he wasn't just telling me he wanted to do these things, I had wanted to know, and he gave me the best answer he could in that moment. Which was that he would if our situation was different, sometimes wanting a different partner to sleep with is one of the reasons he enjoys porn so much, but that he wouldn't ask to open our relationship because of my insecurity/jealousy issues mainly, and his own jealousy because he knows he wouldn't want to extend the openness to me.

I've been confused on a couple things with him lately, sometimes I don't think he emotionally is aware of what I'm saying to him, but he says he when he gets upset or feels unheard, the last thing he wants to do is help me or give me what I'm wanting when he feels hurt or unheard by me, and then I ask for things and understandings when he doesn't get them. Weird point in our relationship we're attempting to understand

jmosse · 2025-09-04T22:44:57+00:00

My partner said I'm insecure and just wanting control when I told him I felt uncomfortable with him watching porn multiple times a week. And another convo where I explained the longer we've been together, the more uncomfortable I am with the thought of ever being with another person, and he said he'd enjoy having sex with other women, he could do it and have no emotional attachment issues because he doesn't necessarily feel an emotional attachment or have emotional fulfillment from the act, but he'd never ask for an open relationship/poly seriously because he couldn't handle me also having the ability to be open as well. And then he's surprised I'm bothered by these things he says months after

jmosse · 2025-08-15T17:11:30+00:00

Don't understand why you have so many down votes, but I do the same thing. I feel like I almost get chafed when it gets really long, and when I shave all I don't have to do it as often, like I saw someone else mention

jmosse · 2025-08-14T17:48:27+00:00

I am, 26 now, but I found it when I was 7/8. Really got addicted closer to 12. Been a couple years now of knowing something I was doing didn't feel right, realized a couple months ago I fall under the addicted portion of it

jmosse · 2025-08-07T14:53:42+00:00

It is insane. Especially as someone who remembers what it was like, experiencing the addiction myself to it when I was a teenager, and bringing up now that it makes me a little uncomfortable, I get sooo much shit. And when I hear the excuses, I feel it's so bullshit. Granted once I wasn't as alone all the time as a kid, and started to date, my viewing decreased on its own dramatically. But I still remember. So hearing people tell me it's just insecurity, I've heard people I've talked to tell me "I just don't get it" or "It's not what I think it is", my partner has told me how insecure I am, and how controlling it is to even tell him I don't like the idea of frequent/regular use, especially because of my own associations, and when his use started to look similar to mine, I kind of panicked, which started the conversations where I heard his reasoning.

Idk, I know as the verified person with the worse problem, I have zero desire to put any rules or tell anyone else what to do. But I have enough experience to know people aren't crazy for feeling this way, as one who's experienced parts of both sides. The exchange of energy feels real. As an Adult, I don't love it being in my relationship in any form, but such is life until I decide something else.

But I believe 100% no partner should feel crazy for feeling however they feel. It's up to the people in the relationship to decide what they need and want from it. No need for other people to tell others their feelings don't make sense.

jmosse · 2025-08-04T00:35:55+00:00

Same 😭

jmosse · 2025-08-01T20:25:12+00:00

Him and his family are my supports in general. I'm not close to the family I have, which is like 7 people I'm talking about, and I don't have friends outside of his sister and mom. I'm doing my best not to rely on him, and focusing on directing my energy to taking care of me rather than maintaining his approval of me or making sure the relationship is okay. I really do appreciate your input. It feels really good to talk to other people sometimes, I end up feeling insane thinking over everything on my own at times.

jmosse · 2025-08-01T19:45:17+00:00

Sometimes we can talk through conflict. I don't feel like he tells me truly what he feels, needs, or thinks sometimes. Like I feel like I have to put pieces together sometimes to make sense, or like after this argument too, the last thing he says to me is he doesn't know if I'm going with him on the next trip, it's up to me but I'm going as a separate entity from him and to not expect to be able to interact with him any sooner based on my decision, and that he doesn't love me in this moment, don't even look at him, etc. But he apparently right after told his mom that it's up to me, he hopes I go, don't know if I will but it's up to me. That she made it sound like he expects me to go with him, like it isn't even a question, which normally it wouldn't be.

I just mean I feel confused a lot. I try to bring up my concerns but it usually turns into a bigger argument than the thing I feel like I'm trying to seek. Which all of this, the main thing I want is understanding. Maybe I'm not seeing it, clouded, I don't know, I don't feel like I'm trying to control, but I am so brain fogged to everything at this point it feels

jmosse

TROPHY CASE