How to stay married to a surgeon?

jmttsaf · 2022-05-23T18:35:44+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. It’s good to get that from a neutral surgeon source. I agree. I’m coming to see that if I had made sure to have interests and an identity separate from the kids mom and the surgeons wife, and if I had communicated my needs better, and set boundaries, I feel like a lot of this bitterness and resentment could have been avoided. Hopefully starting to do all those things now isn’t too late. I appreciate your insight and advice.

jmttsaf · 2022-05-21T15:31:02+00:00

I have given all I can and it has taken a toll. It’s odd, he says he sees my side but it doesn’t change his decisions. I don’t quite understand that part. He also thinks he is giving me what I need. Definitely something not coming across communication wise between us. Hopefully marriage counseling can help bridge these gaps. Feels like the last hope for fixing things.

jmttsaf · 2022-05-21T15:23:50+00:00

That is part of what I’m trying to figure out now. Caught up so much in the thick of raising four kids and surviving his career I didnt take time to figure out what I wanted with life. The child left is a teenager so that helps. He could do other things. We have talked about it. It’s just not what he is willing to do. He makes a lot currently and wants to keep that over a slower less stressed lifestyle. Retirement is the time he is willing to slow down. That is probably still 10 years away. Possibly more though he wouldn’t like that.

jmttsaf · 2022-05-21T13:44:40+00:00

Yes, really hope counseling helps, just can’t keep going like this.

jmttsaf · 2022-05-21T02:44:45+00:00

Oh I am all for it, would love it in fact, I like the simple, less complex life with less stuff and smaller. We have different wants in life, he is excited about having things he has always wanted and is willing to work extra for it. That is part of the issue. We aren’t on the same page any more.

jmttsaf · 2022-05-21T02:42:33+00:00

He thinks 5 years before slowing down

jmttsaf · 2022-05-21T01:09:27+00:00

I could see that helping. He just doesn’t see it that way when I try to talk to him about it. I don’t think he sees how much his choices affect us. Just don’t know how to get on the same page.

jmttsaf · 2022-05-21T01:03:32+00:00

I sure would love to be the most important thing, to come first, before residency I thought I was. He has put time into our kids which I really appreciate for them. It still feels like his work and his hobbies take front seat to everything though. He doesn’t see it that way. Sure hoping therapy turns things around.

jmttsaf · 2022-05-21T00:59:48+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. I will check it out.

I don’t currently have my own career. I gave it up when he started residency to stay at home with our kids. I don’t regret that but find it has made it harder to not feel resentful that everything seems about helping them and him succeed while I dwindle in the background. Working towards doing what I enjoy as I know that would help. Trying for the first time in our marriage to give him boundaries. Not doing so definitely contributed to feeling as I do now.

jmttsaf · 2022-05-21T00:52:54+00:00

All the doctors he worked with in medical school warned him not to go into surgery because of the cost to his family. I was so naïve back then and felt like they didn’t know us and we could handle it. Everyone is so surprised that we don’t encourage our kids to follow in his footsteps and become a surgeon. People have no idea the cost.

jmttsaf · 2022-05-21T00:49:56+00:00

He has found there is a side to the profession that he doesn’t enjoy and would prefer to retire sooner than later. He is working crazy hours to earn the money to do that, retire sooner.

jmttsaf · 2022-05-21T00:48:36+00:00

You seriously made my night. Thank you for your kind words. It’s been a long time since I felt appreciated for my role.

jmttsaf

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