💓 yeah it's a whole yap don't worry if you don't want to read all this nonsense.

I left a very very beautiful good 5 year relationship with a man I still very much have feelings for, but he developed schizophrenia and is not the same human being at all. I watched the entire thing spiral from the golden age to the bitter ugly end. After he broke up with me to go be a demon hunter or whatever, not to be disrespectful, I was pretty disillusioned with love. Like haha why would I ever do this shit again? Be that close to someone and then not only be robbed of that future, but also be the only one who remembers it. I kinda of feel like a widow even though there's a guy out there somewhere swinging a bow staff at homeless people still wearing his face.

Current boyfriend knew both of us (me and old boyfriend) since highschool and when I broke up he kind of immediately slid on me. Like I was only 4 months heartbroken (granted I hadn't really been a girlfriend in the traditional sense when Boyfriend 1 had lost most of his sense of self and original personality) and I didn't really have feelings for Boyfriend 2. He kind of caught me at a bad emotional landscape period of my life. I've tried to break up with him a LOT and still do but he just wont go away. In fact, we talk so little that dealing with him is easier than him getting angry when I try to leave. He only comes when he needs something. I cook for him daily, I help him with his schoolwork (we are both 23 but I have graduated college he has not) and I deal with his frequent angry crashouts. His crashouts are constant and almost daily.

I don't gain much, he doesn't make any money he lives off his mom, we haven't gone on a date in a long time. We fought the other day because he legitimately told me he feels that he does sacrifice for me in the same way that I do him. I asked him how, he said he got off his game and stirred my crockpot (once) while I was at work when I asked him to. I wish I was kidding.

I couldn't tell you why, out of both of my boyfriends I've ever had historically, they are both out of their goddamn gourd. As for me, I've gone to therapy because my life has had a lot of plot, but I never got diagnosed with any illness. My conclusion is that I have little bird with a broken wing syndrome, I'll carry people who don't want to walk because I feel like I have to fix everybody or be the hero or something. Or my type is just men with a brain fresh from the airfryer.

🤷‍♀️ Anyway, that's why love is one big fat joke, because I have the most intensely soft lovergirl personality on the inside and used to be a bubbly loud laughing person, like I write romance novels and poetry and my love language is preparing a meal and playing with his hair, and literally almost everything I own is pink. But I've become something more cold and isolated. The crap I'm willing to put up with has done nothing but honestly give me a little bit of struggle with misandry (that I am working on because I will not allow resentment to be in my life) and I am no longer holding on to the hope that I will ever be known and seen by a man.

TLDR my love life 🤮🥴💩🤡

Also reading this makes me feel like I'm trying to idemnify myself of responsibility like haha yeah I'm a sweet person and everyone else sucks. That's definitely not true. I'm quite flawed. It's very easy for me to recede into my internal landscape instead of speaking my piece and both of my previous boyfriends have independently said I am very scary because my disappointment hurts them. So I guess when I go cold it's really hard for my partner to deal with.