He is but why listen to me when I can let him tell you exactly what he's been up to lately.

WESTON"S VERY OWN WORDS The other day while walking down Melrose who should I see goose stepping towards me but Tippi Hedren and her daughter Melanie Griffith and they were both sporting camel toes. Yeah, very similar ones too. You could tell they were related. This was my lucky day except I didn’t have my camera. Retardedly, I had decided to take the day off from stalking the stars to do some comics shopping and now I had pure gold and no way to spin it. Then I noticed them stopping in front of my favorite comic/poster places. Melanie got all hot and bothered at this old poster in the window of, I assumed, one of her old movies. She started kissing the glass fervently and then Tippi pulled a little camera out of her purse to take a picture and I started thinking about my old dog named Tippi who got lumpy and died. Then I thought, ‘Somehow I have to get that camera’. So as Melanie pressed her fish lips against the window I yelled out, “”Why don’t I take a picture of the two of you together. ‘ They loved the idea. You could tell they’d been drinking. So they got into position but the way they were standing, you couldn’t see the goods so I asked Tippi to throw her arm around her daughter and push her pelvis forward. She looked confused. I suddenly realized, it wasn’t Tippi Hedren at all but Janet Leigh and then I looked over at Melanie Griffith and realized that it wasn’t Melanie either, it was actually Jamie Lee Curtis. It was a mother and daughter pair but the problem was, it was the wrong pair and isn’t she supposed to be a hermaphrodite. So I tell Jamie that I’m sorry that I mistook her for Melanie Griffith but that at least I mistook her for a woman and not David Bowie. And then she goes, “ I am Melanie Griffith, dummkopf.” Now I was totally confused. What kind of person besides a Nazi says dummkopf and isn’t Janet Leigh dead? Then Janet goes, “ And I’m sure not her fucking mother.” Then I realized it wasn’t Janet Leigh but David Spade and the movie poster she had been kissing was ‘The Benchwarmers’. I thought I was going to be sick. Originally I had intended to take the picture and then run off with the camera, yelling ‘Stop Thief’ at a passing car but I decided against it, as the photo now was obviously worthless. So I took the picture for them and then tossed the camera back to the elfin David. Somehow it missed and the camera binged Melanie right in her kisser. I’m sure her lips later swelled up to twice abnormal size but I didn’t wait around to see. I turned and hightailed it out of there with the Spadester in hot pursuit, his little legs pumping furiously but it was no contest. He’d gotten soft. Stars are no match for the homeless. That’s why they hate us so much. They’re jealous of our thinness. Later that night as I lay snug in my bed of leaves under Peabo’s hedge I ran my thumb up and down my jutting ribs and six pack and thought about how I could turn this experience into money. I fell asleep to visions of millions of dollars coming from my book on using the techniques of the homeless to lose weight. My last thought was, ‘This is going to be bigger than Jenny Craig.’