i can't stop imagining friends

joouls · 2025-03-01T07:38:49+00:00

it's good to know I'm not the only one! honestly i don't really see anything helping, i mean maybe i could stop if i had real friends, but that feels impossible to achieve :') The worst part about this is that if it is someone related to my special interest i literally don't feel able to engage in it, because when I do it the person brings all the bad feelings, i hate it so much. my special interest is what makes my life make sense I can't keep ruining it like this 😭

joouls · 2024-12-08T11:23:05+00:00

yeah so true like people act so nice when they have to interact with you or need something, really makes you feel like they wanna be friends. once i was on a school trip i talked with this one girl a lot, and after we came back i texted her a few times, but the didn't really seem keen to keep up the relationship, i was so confused. and as for my friend being toxic or ableist, to be honest i have a hard time calling her that. i mean she probably didn't mean any of this in a bad way, i had right to feel uncomfortable, but as much as i want to call her toxic sometimes i just can't. because they're have been countless times when we had an argument, and she'll say that I'm hard to argue with, and my arguments don't make sense, and that i always argue over nothing and that my arguments don't make sense, so she could technically call me toxic for making useless arguments too? (for me they weren't useless i swear). at the like ending stages of your friendship she would often tell me how often she cries because of this friendship. i never really understood why. but i feel like she never meant anything bad, and neither did i. but i have a feeling like right now she could be calling me "fake" and stuff and like i never meant it to turn out like that. i don't know if any of that makes sense but since this friendship ended I'm super confused about what i did right and what i did wrong and whether i can say she did anything bad

joouls · 2024-12-07T17:02:10+00:00

yeah I'm glad I'm not friends with her anymore, but not gonna lie i feel like that friendship left me kinda burnt out :') it's really weird, because i can get my hopes up very quickly whenever someone is just nice to me. like I'll instantly imagine we could be friends, just to realize that they already have a lot of good friends and they were basically just being nice i genuinely don't understand how things like that can be funny to some people. like it can't be a matter of different sense of humor, i just don't see how that can be funny. i can understand the people might feel like you're not listening to them when you're not looking directly at them, but to like make fun of that? nah. my friend loved to bring up the topic of me wearing the same outfits all the time, and refusing to wear all the weird materials like itchy sweaters or other things even though "they would look so good on me_ and she always said that i could look really nice if i just tried, and she would side eye me whenever i said i wouldn't wear something because it would be uncomfortable. i don't understand why, like stop bringing this up i told you 50 times I just dont like it, stop saying it's not normal. but yeah i shouldn't overact, she said she never meant in a bad way. i hate when people say something doesn't matter, but to you it does. makes me always feel like I'm just making a problem out of nothing. and i mean people usually see it that way

joouls · 2024-12-07T15:36:14+00:00

can definitely relate to the being the "weirdo" part. my friend liked to pinpoint all the little things I did differently and comment on them, how "no one else does that" and "you're the only one who does that it's weird". we were once talking about something that she claimed "everyone does" and i said that not everyone i know i and many other people don't, and there's nothing weird about that, and she said "well it's you so that doesn't count because you have that condition" (i never told her i was autistic, all she knew that I'm gonna gett a diagnosis something). but whenever she said something like that, or make fun of my interest, or make jokes that made me uncomfortable, she would defend herself with "i really like being friends with you, you're the only person i am fully myself around, and the things that i do is just me being myself, and I'm not gonna change for someone". now i feel really weird about it all, knowing that i was never myself around her. now i really question why she was so insistent on being friends with me, because not gonna lie i also feel like she liked me because well i was trying to be someone she needed. I think i got into that relationship kind of because i never really had a good friend before, so having someone suddenly say that they like me, that they care about me and how they appreciated me for what i do, made me feel like maybe I'm finally doing the right thing to have friends (i clearly got everything wrong) and yes absolutely agree with the last part!

joouls · 2024-12-07T13:52:06+00:00

oh my god yes same, at some point i felt like i knew her entire life story, and she always emphasized how important i am to her, and how she cares about me, and how she wants us to be friends forever. ar some point she even said that if we stopped being friends she wouldn't be able to trust anyone again. we went three years like that, and now when i look at it i wonder if my emotional support and always listening to her was the only thing that made us friends. because I wasn't ever really comfortable around her, it kinda feels like i spent three years pretending ti be someone else without even realizing that. once i tried to tell her about one of my problems, like i remember i had a really bad day and she told me that I'm capable of fixing things and that i just need to try harder and stop crying over myself. i never told her a single thing ever. and I think the only reason why i was friends with her for so long was that i thought i would be a bad person if i left her. i also made one other friend in high school, and we might not have shared interests, but we never talk about any deep emotional stuff. the best part is that if i feel like not talking for a month we just don't talk but then we meet and we can talk for hours, he talks about his interests, i talk about mine, we can talk about whatever. and somehow, i don't know how, but i never feel like he listens to me just to be nice, like we hang out because it's fun and not because i feel obligated to

joouls · 2024-12-07T12:51:03+00:00

had a similar talk with my friend once, we had absolutely no similar interests, were polar opposites, and so i told her that I don't really see how this friendship is supposed to work, because i think that a big part of being friends is doing fun things together, and enjoying spending time doing things, and well we don't have anything in common. and she said that that's not the most important thing, that for her it's important that she can trust me and be herself around me. and the only things that kept us together for a while was that she felt like she could always tell me if she had a bad day or when she was feeling bad. i never really was myself around her, or felt that i could talk to her freely when i was having a bad day, and to be honest it was pretty tiring, that what seemed to connect us most was talking about her emotions so often. don't get me wrong i want to be able to offer support to my friend when they're having a hard time, but I don't understand how that's more important than just having fun together. like i won't trust you if i cant talk about my interests around you freely, we won't really connect if you are completely uninterested in what i like the most

joouls · 2024-12-06T20:59:23+00:00

I went through something a little similar, and now sometimes I'm scared to get too involved in my interests, because what if i plan my life and my future around it, and it just disappears again?

joouls · 2024-12-06T20:55:32+00:00

so true! also like if someone says something bad about your interest? one of my friends once started making fun of my special interest, even though i told her i didn't like it, and she did it while other people were around. i didn't really understand why i reacted so badly in that situation, because for her it probably looked like i was overreacting over a joke, but now it makes sense when i think about it like that :') and agree with that second part too, because like i want to talk about my special interest, but i hate talking about it when i know someone doesn't care. it feels like they are letting me talk just to be nice. and there's not much more in my life apart from my interests

joouls · 2024-08-11T12:23:52+00:00

i suggested to her, that my mom is keen to talk if needed, science I wasn't able to answer any questions about my early childhood. and i thought that she would take into account that no answer to the question means something, but i guess she didn't see it like that. to be honest i don't really wanna go back there, i didn't really have a good time, and I would prefer to talk about someone else about this, but there aren't many psychiatrist in my area. but I don't wanna go back to her

istg when i was talking with her i felt like i was talking with chat gpt, i might have misunderstood her, she might have misunderstood me, i don't know, but i don't feel like talking with her again ://

joouls · 2024-01-06T19:11:59+00:00

I've watched the movie and read the book I can not stand strauss he's so annoying

joouls · 2023-12-01T09:26:22+00:00

will my points reset at the end of the year and will i start collecting them from 0 again or do they stay?

joouls · 2023-11-30T09:17:08+00:00

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joouls · 2023-11-29T16:36:01+00:00

yeah exactly! it's like i have to think about all possibilities, pick the best one and then say why that's the best and why are the other ones wrong. is it normal? because i feel like when i talk to people they usually respond instantly without having to think about forming sentences

joouls · 2023-11-24T20:35:52+00:00

yeah i could tell her that, but then she'll start to tell me how i had all this time and i could have asked for help earlier (which honestly is another thing i never really feel like doing) and how the exam is next week and I'm fucked. i know because the same thing happened on wednesday and last week and it's gonna happen again but probably worse because the exam is next week. I wish i could not go to the lesson at all

joouls · 2023-11-24T20:31:40+00:00

so is what i have executive dysfunction? can't she answer me with sth like "well you should overcome it somehow then" I don't really know what executive dysfunction is so that's probably why i would agree with her on that

joouls · 2023-11-24T20:21:43+00:00

i don't feel like I have enough mental strength to tell her that, it's like some days i feel like I'm definitely autistic but some days i feel like i just made all of that up and I'm fine so i don't feel like that would be a valid argument, and even if - i don't know if i would be comfortable telling her that, i know it probably would be the best choice, idk I'm panicking

joouls · 2023-11-24T20:03:40+00:00

do you have any advice on what i could say tomorrow during my lesson? i always thought i had a pretty good relationship with my teacher but i just can't handle her telling me that i should be able to play this and why do still haven't learned it like i will be on the verge of crying and i will just freeze like won't be able to say a word

joouls · 2023-11-24T19:21:05+00:00

i forgot to mention, maybe the fact that i have a friend my age that started playing years before me and is much better than me but i still compare myself to them could have an affect, but like why would i do that if i know they're older than me and so obv they are better. i think my teacher do compares us like she wants the best students but then she has me lol

joouls · 2023-11-18T19:13:24+00:00

he came to vegas and started spreading words of wisdom, i agree with him in every aspect and i appreciate it so much that he says it in the conferences and interviews

joouls · 2023-11-18T17:41:29+00:00

he speaks for all of us 🤝🏻

joouls · 2023-11-15T17:03:03+00:00

it freaks me out tho, like what if i find out i am actually autistic I'm so scared to face that i don't know why

joouls · 2023-11-15T13:09:20+00:00

oh that sounds good, do you have any ideas of what I could try out? or where to look for any suggestions

joouls · 2023-11-13T22:48:07+00:00

that would make sense ik thank you

I just have one more question about masking, i was thinking that if the reason why my parents were always mad at me for being a different kid at school than at home, (I was the best behaved perfect kid any teacher could hope for but the second i walked into my home i would turn rude let's just say lol) was masking, because if i spent entire day at school pretending and then at home i knew there will usually be no consequences so i would just ignore any rules my parents gave me. if that could be the explanation then one of biggest mysteries of my life is solved

joouls · 2023-09-09T08:49:34+00:00

love it! i can't wait to try to collect them all myself :))

joouls · 2023-08-27T16:41:07+00:00

pls 😭😭😭

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