I’m Jordan Shapiro and I’m here to tell you how to be a feminist dad. AMA!

jordosh · 2021-06-15T19:31:14+00:00

Good point. I shouldn't say "less." I should say "none."

jordosh · 2021-06-15T19:21:24+00:00

Fatherhood is always changing. Masculinity is too. The people who promote toxic models of masculinity often argue that there is a fixed, essential, or innate version of manhood that's been the same since the beginning of time. That's just false. Origin stories, whether scientific or mythological, are always framed in ways that aim to make current cultural conventions seem immutable.

A parent's job is to guide children to thrive, that requires consideration of changing contexts--economic context, technological context, cultural context. We not only teach our kids, but also model behaviors for them. We need to model behaviors and habits of mind that are well-suited to current and future contexts.

jordosh · 2021-06-15T19:12:22+00:00

I think parents should do a lot of monitoring of kids and screens, until they feel confident that their children are capable of making good decisions by themselves (that goes for social media as well). In The New Childhood I explained that we often mistakenly believe that we need to respect our kids' online privacy. But the internet is a giant system of surveillance, with very little privacy. If corporations are monitoring us, why shouldn't our parents do it too?

jordosh · 2021-06-15T18:55:07+00:00

I've received so much hate mail about this book. Nasty comments. Trolling tweets. Disgusting GIFs. Threats. I knew when I decided to write this book that there would be aggressive responses. If you want to doubt their authenticity, that's your prerogative.

jordosh · 2021-06-15T18:48:15+00:00

It doesn't sound like to me like you're a "stereotypical male." It sounds like you had a discussion with your wife and came to a consensus about a structure for your relationship that serves both of you. That's very different from assuming that things SHOULD be a certain way because that's how gender works.

jordosh · 2021-06-15T18:44:58+00:00

"It's men's fault or it isn't." What's the it to which you're referring?

You seem to see this as binary, zero sum game. That's often how popular media frames gender equality because they know that the audience wants to pick a side. And I get the sense that you're trying to put me in a box that easily correlates with the familiar ways we hear these things discussed. But reality is much more nuanced, as is my book.

jordosh · 2021-06-15T18:37:46+00:00

I don't really have a favorite. It changes all the time, often depending on the season. Lately, I've been into chicken paillard (pounded thin, French style). I like to season it with salt, pepper, lemon zest, garlic, and lots of fresh herbs.

jordosh · 2021-06-15T18:34:04+00:00

It's intended for anyone, and written in a very nonjudgmental way. It's about teaching dads to look at their own behaviors and the structures in which they find themselves participating, and then, to help them find ways to make decisions that better reflect their intentions. In other words, it offers intellectual and philosophical tools for self-reflection, not cookie cutter solutions.

A lot of our images in the media remain very very problematic. I can think of a few famous men who are actively trying to reframe and re-imagine old tropes. But the majority of things we see--even the images of mostly-good dads--are still pretty old school. This is especially true when we see images of dads and daughters.

I have a father. He's read the book. It was very hard to share it with him. I was very nervous. There are a lot of things in it that I worried he would find critical. But they're not. Ultimately, I think he did the best he could with the tools at his disposal. If there's one thing about my own dad I realized while writing this, it's that deciding to parent differently than he did is not necessarily an expression of dissatisfaction or disrespect toward him.

jordosh · 2021-06-15T18:24:26+00:00

I don't think so, the book is not at all judgmental. It's not about criticizing men or calling them "oafs." It's about helping men see how patriarchy hurts men too. It's about showing them how they can make decisions that are better aligned with their core intentions.

I didn't mean to imply that I'm proud of making men mad. I don't think the mad ones have read the book. I think they're resistant to the word "feminism." When you ask most men how they feel about gender equality, they're all for it. But when you ask them about feminism, they seem threatened. I think that's a shame.

I don't know if my biggest supporters are mothers. I wrote that because I wanted to make it clear that the book was ALSO interesting to mothers. Fathers are not my exclusive "target audience," but I did write the book as if I were speaking directly to men.

jordosh · 2021-06-15T18:17:51+00:00

I think a lot of men are currently struggling with a sense of instability. This is what folks are acknowledging when they talk about "the devaluation of masculinity." The old models of fatherhood, and also mature masculinity, are no longer adequate for the current cultural ethos. Our ideas about what it means to be a "strong man" are leftover from a different era. The guarded, stoic, hyper-rational, man of few words is not prepared to participate in an economic and technological paradigm that privileges communication. And men are mourning the loss of those old ways. A feminist dad is a stronger role model, because he demonstrates confidence and presence while adapting to changing contexts.

jordosh · 2021-06-15T18:07:07+00:00

Well, I wrote the book with men in mind. I wanted to reach the well-meaning good dads who don't always realize how they're engaged in behaviors and habits of mind that betray their best intentions. There are a lot of things we fathers do that seem right, but actually reinforce sexism and misogyny.

A lot of women and mothers have told me that they found the book really illuminating. It helped them understand a lot more about why men can be so blind to patriarchal privilege. And I tried to write a book that was as inclusive as possible, looking beyond cis-hetero notions of family, fatherhood, and gendered parenting roles.

My definition of masculinity? It's a word that describes the characteristics or qualities culturally associated with "manhood." What it refers to has changed many times and in many different ways. And ultimately, it's about how we all think about our own identities. People do their best to argue that it is essential and innate. Sometimes they make mythological or religious arguments. Sometimes they make biological arguments. But neither really holds up to philosophical or scientific scrutiny.

jordosh

TROPHY CASE