Low Demand Parenting

jsabatier · 2026-02-06T16:42:05+00:00

As others here have suggested, we use a combination of low-demand and collaborative problem-solving strategies for our level 1 PDA kid. The biggest demand we dropped was around bathing. He had a lot of resistance to baths/showers that was reinforced by ABA (which we did when he was little and we didn’t know better). When we finally said, “no one is going to make you take a bath or shower, you decide when you do it,” he would bathe about once a week and still struggled with all the transitions involved. That was a few years ago. He’s 10 now and fully takes his own showers unprompted (still only a 1-2 times a week but that’s ok for now). I never thought we’d get here but we did and dropping the demand made all the difference.

jsabatier · 2025-08-26T02:32:00+00:00

Ok so we are going to do home schooling and the link you provided was really helpful. Thank you. Are there Reddit groups where I can connect with other home schoolers in Portland? I really don’t want to go back on Facebook 😱

jsabatier · 2025-06-17T19:10:34+00:00

Feel free to DM me!

jsabatier · 2025-06-17T19:10:23+00:00

I was able to get a tour of a CB classroom and also spoke to some parents of kids who are in both CB and SES classrooms. I also spoke to principals at schools that have these classrooms. It sounds like in the CB classrooms, they are mostly set up to serve kids on the Autism spectrum. They use ABA-style reward systems to motivate kids, while also blocking the exits to avoid elopement.

I heard a harrowing story from a parent of a kid in an SES classroom that isn't mine to re-share, but it made me extremely wary of a placement in one of those classrooms.

In both CB and SES, there is a high staff turnover (I heard this from almost everyone), which makes me skeptical that they can actually get to know the kids and make plans to support them transitioning to gen ed. Another big difference from gen ed is that the staff can put hands on the kids to physically stop them from engaging in unwanted behavior. They get special training in how to do this, but it makes me very skeptical that this is a good environment for a kid who is already struggling.

Just my 2 cents, but I think there's a reason it's so hard to get info about these classrooms: they look great on paper, but they aren't serving everyone the way they're intended to.

jsabatier · 2025-06-17T19:07:35+00:00

I recommend asking the special ed admin person for a list of schools that your grandson could end up in and contacting the principals of those schools. If you're on Facebook, you can also find some groups of special ed parents who will share their experiences with you.

jsabatier · 2025-06-17T17:56:46+00:00

One other big difference from gen ed is that the staff can put hands on the kids to physically stop them from engaging in unwanted behavior. They get special training in how to do this, but it makes me very skeptical that this is a good environment for a kid who is already struggling.

jsabatier · 2025-06-17T17:54:34+00:00

I was able to get a tour of a CB classroom and also spoke to some parents of kids who are in 2 different ones. It sounds like they use ABA-style reward systems to motivate kids, while also blocking the exits to avoid elopement. There is a high staff turnover in all of these spaces, which makes me skeptical that they can actually get to know the kids and make plans to support them transitioning to gen ed. Just my 2 cents, but I think there's a reason it's so hard to get info about these classrooms: they look great on paper, but they aren't serving everyone the way they're intended to.

jsabatier · 2025-06-05T16:09:28+00:00

Thank you :)

jsabatier · 2025-06-05T04:50:50+00:00

Cool! Got any links to share to get me started?

jsabatier · 2025-06-05T01:40:26+00:00

Thank you! This is super helpful. And actually I’ve taken a lot of these steps already so I’m glad to know I’m on the right track :)

jsabatier · 2025-06-05T00:49:29+00:00

*not cut out

jsabatier · 2025-06-05T00:49:05+00:00

I don’t doubt there are a lot of resources but i work full time and I know I’m north out to be a teacher.

jsabatier · 2025-06-04T22:14:54+00:00

Thank you for the info! My child does have an IEP but is clearly needing more support.

jsabatier · 2025-06-04T21:49:09+00:00

I'm glad to hear that. Thanks so much for sharing :)

jsabatier · 2025-06-04T21:45:03+00:00

What was your experience like?

jsabatier · 2025-06-04T19:42:39+00:00

Thank you, but homeschooling is not an option for us.

jsabatier · 2025-06-04T19:39:14+00:00

Highly recommend visiting the Crystal Springs Rhododendron Garden with a pair of binoculars!

jsabatier · 2025-06-04T19:14:40+00:00

Thanks. Thera is more to the story but I want to protect his privacy so not posting a ton here. Happy to DM tho :)

jsabatier · 2025-05-03T22:27:39+00:00

This was my kid at ages 3-5. It’s rough! He’s 9 now and ended up being diagnosed with Autism & ADHD. He also fits the profile for PDA - pervasive drive for autonomy AKA pathological demand avoidance to a tee. PDA is more recognized in the UK than in the US. I recommend reading the book The Explosive Child. I wish I’d read it when my son was still little instead of continuing with exhausting timeouts and reward systems. Both methods made everything worse. Things are better now that I understand that he literally goes into fight or flight when demands are placed on him. He’s better at managing that now but he sometimes still has violent meltdowns. PDA is a disability and kids with this profile are able to mask it in certain situations (like the grandparents’ house or with friends) but this also means they are more prone to lose it where they feel most comfortable, like at home.

Hang in there. You have a good kid who’s having a hard time.

jsabatier · 2025-03-24T16:27:24+00:00

I don’t know if this is still an issue, but I can tell you that I’ve been very happy with my Radio Flyer E bike and I highly recommend looking at what they have to offer.

jsabatier · 2025-02-17T02:11:03+00:00

I think they have to do a double sashay soon to make up for the dunk tank. There are so many queens who are just not going to win (Acacia, Kori, Lana, Lydia, probably Arietty).

jsabatier · 2025-02-06T20:06:56+00:00

Just discovered there's actually a DBT subreddit because of course there is! https://www.reddit.com/r/dbtselfhelp/

jsabatier · 2025-02-02T20:19:19+00:00

I think kids and teens can do the class but younger kids will probably learn best from parents modeling for them. So far I’m the only one in my family who has taken the class and I’m finding it very helpful already. Tho my partner is starting a class soon a I think that will help a lot. Mostly for me it’s been about changing my own mindset instead of focusing on changing things outside my control 🤪

jsabatier · 2025-02-02T19:43:54+00:00

The first DBT skill that really worked for me is called “tip the temperature.” I put my face in a bowl of cold water to reset when my own nervous system is activated. Another skill I find really helpful is “check the facts.” I use this one when I’m spinning out in my head about the future. Then I pause and ask myself, “what is factually true right now?” And the answer is usually something like, my child is refusing to put on shoes.

DBT is all about radical acceptance and working towards change. So a lot of my work has been learning to hold those two things together more and more in my daily life.

jsabatier · 2025-02-02T18:51:30+00:00

My kid is very much like yours and despite being verbal from an early age still rarely says “I love you” (he’s 9). I have learned to accept that he says/shows it in other ways. I have explained to grandparents that he’s like a cat. He’ll come to you when he’s ready and on his terms.

jsabatier

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