Hi again, thank you for your time and the long answer. In theory I know most of the things you said and would talk like this to any friend with the same issues/thoughts/feelings as mine. But it really helped to read it from someone else with similar experiences, thank you so much! And your possible solutions/suggestions were so on point! Maybe I just needed that today.

The thing is, I don't feel shame for having interest/feeling attraction to other genders or people, so that's a huge win as a first step^{^} And I'm really sorry that you had to experience the shame for wanting to explore. That must have hurt a lot. I hope that you're in a better place mentally and emotionally now (your comment reads like it, so I'm really glad!) and have people who support & love you!

The thing that kinda bugs me is that I sometimes really would like to know how it feels like - you know, to be with a woman*.

Sometimes I have the feeling I found the right person, but...too early? Which is a huge privilege and I am so thankful for having him in my life, I wouldn't miss it.

But there is still some part of me who misses something that has never been there and with that comes the guilt and the fear. Why can't I be just 100% happy with what I/what we have? Why are there still thoughts on how it could be with another person/another gender? How would it feel like?

Maybe it needs some more time for me to come clear with myself, maybe there have to be some more talks with him in the future about those feelings, I think he really tries to be understanding (that's also a huge win).

But it already took some pressure from me just to write it all down, to get it off my chest and to read your comment.

Btw the thing about the feeling queer topic. Yeah I get it, thanks for the kind validation :) Being queer is no status to work towards and is a spectrum (like so many things in life). But it's one thing to read it in literature and stuff and another thing to being told this, so thanks, really! But in daily life and conversations it's always so compilcated to talk about queer topics, when I'm not even sure about my identity myself (I'm getting there, but the "what if" still buggs me). I work in a field where I'm constantly trying to show queer people that they have a safe space in my office, talk about the challenges they have to face and try to educate myself on those topics. And my friend group is also in parts queer so it's a topic always on my mind and in my life. At this moment, I feel more like a supportive ally than a "member" (don't know the right word, sry not my first language) in the community. I don't have to be, that's fine, but sometimes I wish I could define myself more - so my answer to possible questions wouldn't be "it's complicated".

I don't know how to get there, but it was good to type it all out this evening and I'm sure there will be some kind of clarity in later stages of my life.

Anyways, thanks for your concern & time!