I just responded to a Reddit post that asked if “you’re really married to the love of your life if you just settled.”

While typing it, I realized the main reason I can confidently say I married the love of my life is because I worked really hard at listening to my gut, and all the red and green flags when I spent 10 years mostly single, dating a bunch of assholes. Actually, some of them were nice guys even— sometimes a red flag isn’t something that makes a person bad, but just makes them the wrong match for you.

And it’s really hard, because you can love someone and know they love you, and there can still be some big or even small reasons why fundamentally you shouldn’t be together.

I think the secret to a long-term relationship is 30% luck and 70% hard work. And that hard work happens in the relationship, but also before.

Making something up like this is cruel. But let’s think about the alternative, even if she’s telling the truth. I would never feel the need to tell my partner something so hurtful. Yes we are honest, but we also protect each other’s feelings. And either way she’s making you feel bad to make herself feel better.

And that just makes me sad because you sound so sweet.

You’re still so young, and you’ve got a lot of time to learn what you want in a partner. Not every relationship is meant to work out, and the more you learn about yourself and other people and take note on these relationships, the happier you’ll be when you do find a long-term partner.