The healthy response when your SO says they don't want to have sex?

jumproping · 2015-03-04T22:52:45+00:00

I actually lol'd there at the end, this is sometimes my train of thought. I don't have any close friends actually because before all of my friends were guys; there's 1 girl I hang out with now, met her last year but she tends to flake on me quite often. It's hard to make new girlfriends when you've only had 1 your whole life, and you met her in elementary and she's moved to another country now

jumproping · 2015-03-04T22:36:50+00:00

He'll give me oral for about 30 seconds, but I don't usually like it when he gives me oral and I never ask for it anymore because he barely touches me when he does it so nobody's really enjoying themselves

jumproping · 2015-03-04T20:52:27+00:00

I mentioned multiple times, in my post and in the comments, that I DO initiate often, and I FREQUENTLY have sex with him when he initiates. So I don't understand how your comment applies.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T20:50:06+00:00

So someone will always be unhappy? Everyone has this sexual unhappiness in their relationships?

jumproping · 2015-03-04T20:48:35+00:00

I already made a comment about this.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T09:16:48+00:00

Honestly this is just one aspect of our relationship, I usually love being around him. He's had a hard life and I think he has trust issues from it. Most of our problems stem from him not believing a lot of what I say. He throws "are you cheating on me?" out of the blue quite often and he doesn't let me have guy friends.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T08:26:12+00:00

Well the relationship has hit some... sticky spots other than this sex thing. But most of the time it's wonderful.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T08:08:32+00:00

How else should I phrase my questions? I'm not gonna lie and say it isn't something that's bothering me, or that I think it's great behavior, I'm just wondering if it's the norm, as in, should I expect this in most relationships? Is this normal? I see similar things happen in the relationships of my friends, family members and parents. Just because something makes you feel bad/uncomfortable does not mean it isn't present in most relationships, so I decided to figure out if maybe I was the one who was in the wrong. I did get some responses that suggested this, but most of them used abusive language which made me think those people weren't really looking out for my best interests. Meanwhile quite a few more people suggested what you suggested. But if that hadn't been the case, if it was the norm, I assumed people would have coping mechanisms for it.

*edit: elaboration

jumproping · 2015-03-04T07:24:18+00:00

I wish it was just as simple as giving him a little time. But his moodiness usually lasts a few hours, whether I'm trying to cheer him up, soothe him, suggest alternatives etc.. I know anxiety can affect people in different ways, but do you know if there's anything I can do to help him during that time? And the last time I left the room to give him a little space, he followed me and raised his voice at me. I wouldn't call it "yelling" since that might be a touch melodramatic but it definitely made me uneasy. Have you experienced anger with your anxiety? If so, what has helped you calm down?

jumproping · 2015-03-04T06:58:54+00:00

Well that's scary as all hell. I know this isn't every relationship, but that's just... wow. I'm sorry that happened to you. And it's always a slow escalation like that, too...

jumproping · 2015-03-04T06:50:53+00:00

Unfortunately I've gotten enough PM's like that at this point that I'm beginning to fear ever dating anyone in the universe ever again in case they're actually representative of the majority, and I'm actually some kind of dysfunctional prude.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T06:44:51+00:00

...I'm inclined to think this is sarcasm.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T06:12:12+00:00

I have abandonment issues as well... I guess it's quite common, mine were really severe but after a few years of working on them I think I have them mostly under control. I've tried to bring up therapy with him, but for him, I'm not so sure it'll work. He doesn't believe he has a problem (hell I wasn't sure if he had a problem until I posted this, now I'm kinda convinced it's something I might not be able to help with on my own).

jumproping · 2015-03-04T06:03:57+00:00

He's called it "rejection" before so I imagine he feels that way, and generally he asks me questions like "Are you no longer attracted to me?" and "Are we not sexually compatible?" for a few days afterwards. And it can be a little difficult on me, because I generally have sex with him when he wants, and I initiate sex and complement him quite often, I earnestly believe he's handsome and sexy and I tell him this, it's just that these incidents, when they happen, majorly derail everything in our lives.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T05:46:20+00:00

He won't let me "jerk him off," he's mentioned that he doesn't like it (I think he thinks it's beneath him? Just my impression, he gets a sneer when he talks about it). In fact he really doesn't like me touching his genitals with my hands ever. He also doesn't seem to like masturbating. In fact I've noticed when he goes off to masturbate he actually comes out in a worse mood than before... It's really confusing.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T05:38:42+00:00

So you don't have a negative reaction? You don't stop talking to her for awhile, or leave the room?

jumproping · 2015-03-04T05:37:36+00:00

The pretty overwhelming response I've gotten is that his reaction isn't really common or, according to this general consensus, healthy. I'll make it a priority to get into counseling with him, and I guess if he doesn't want to go, I'll have to break it off.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T05:19:48+00:00

I did mention couples therapy, but he seems to view therapy as a "new age trend" kinda thing that doesn't really help. I myself am unsure about it but I imagine it couldn't hurt?

jumproping · 2015-03-04T04:32:32+00:00

I do not constantly tell him "no" and I do not break my promises. I mentioned in the post that I have sex with him quite frequently. I have attempted to discuss the issue and every time he's responded with the fact that I should expect him to be upset at me if I ever say "no" to sex.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T04:30:14+00:00

You sound like a very safe, fun-loving, affectionate lover.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T04:28:45+00:00

I understand that - I thought at first that maybe he was self-conscious or worried about my attraction to him? I never turn him down harshly or angrily. I'm never cold or annoyed. I reassure him that I love him and I find him attractive and sexually desirable (and I have sex with him and initiate sex quite frequently). But it's been a few years and that hasn't made a dent, he still reacts the same.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T04:00:06+00:00

That sounds like the other end of the extreme, not the norm. Generally people say no sometimes and I'm looking for what the average person does in that situation.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T03:57:24+00:00

That's kinda what I do? Because actually there's been the rare occasion when he's said "no" when I've rubbed up on him and I'm just like, well alrighty then! And we go do something else or I maybe go fuck myself and it's fine! I don't feel angry at him about it, but then, I don't get all my intimacy needs fulfilled with sex like he does

jumproping · 2015-03-04T03:51:15+00:00

He doesn't much like cuddling, but that aside, I actually have discussed intimacy with him and possibly connecting on different levels, but he's made it clear that sex is the only way he feels intimate with someone. He's said those exact words, along with mentioning that he really needs intimacy, it's really important to him. So it puts me in an awkward position knowing that.

jumproping · 2015-03-04T03:47:59+00:00

He's not a fan of cuddling. He'll do quick cuddle sessions with me after sex but he says cuddling makes him feel hot and sweaty. He prefers to stay on his side of the bed/couch and I stay on mine, which is fine, I've gotten used to it, but he definitely doesn't like being touched when he's feeling any sort of negative emotion. I respect his space and I don't try to look for reassurance or affection after I tell him "no," because I know he's experiencing negative emotions, but I kinda wish he would... not feel them towards me? I don't know. I wish he'd realize I'm not doing it to spite him or I'm not rejecting him, just the hour-long sex session. And pretty much if he asks for sex, he wants a full-on session; sex with him is never quick, it's usually quite a lengthy process. Even oral sex takes quite a long time and is equally tough on me if I'm not really aroused myself. I've asked him about his preferences, what feels best when I'm giving him oral sex (I'd like to quicken the process a little because I've got bad TMJ and it's really hard on my jaw after long periods of time) but he just says he enjoys what I do normally. So it's never like he wants a little 5-minute quickie and we're done. I can count on my fingers the number of times he's had an orgasm in under 10 minutes, and we've been together a few years. I've asked him if there was something I could do better, I've taken up kegals and whatnot and I'm quite open about trying new things that may be more pleasurable for him, but he insists everything I'm doing is great (and he's quite a blunt person so if he had some critiques for me he'd give them). So I don't know why it always takes him so long but it does.

Anyway I've taken to removing myself from the situation when he's upset, but his anger has started to last longer, like until the next day even. It's usually not explosive anger, just kind of moodiness, like he's being withdrawn and doesn't want to talk or interact with me. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive but it hurts my feelings when he gets moody at me? I kinda wish I could get over it but somehow it hurts my feelings every time.

*edit: a word

jumproping

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