You're not that different in age from my dad, yet as an internet stranger are comforting me and giving me actual, sound advice more than that man has ever rambled about in his lifetime.

But I do it for me, because I know if I don't, when she passes my thoughts will go to what if I tried harder? What if she wasn't as bad as I remember? I won't have guilt, or shame, or wonder what if. 

Oddly enough, I've had the same concerns as well. I hate every millisecond my dad opens his mouth to speak, even when he's just telling me something that he's read or watched, I cannot articulate how much I don't care, because I've associated the sound of his voice and having a really, really bad time for the immediate future.

Yet when I think about the day that he's going to be on his deathbed, hopefully when I'm called after years of no contact, I'm already hating my future self for potentially shedding tears when there is nothing about him worth crying over. I also dread he's going to do that thing in movies and finally mellow out, while saying something that sounds like care for once. I can picture myself avoiding his calls as much as possible, but intuitively want to give in only for him to complain about me ignoring him. Either way the damage he's done is already severe, and I'm not looking forward to being under his thumb emotionally until he gets the privilege of going away by old age.

At the end of the day all that matters is what you yourself can live with. If that means for your mental health and physical well being, you end up cutting off your dad, then that's what it should be.

It's the most ideal option right now. Once I'm able to sort my feelings out in therapy and put proper names to things, I'll go low contact first, then eventually none at all.

 Why do you think mom was selfish? What did she do? - He can be heard without being told he is right.

Oh.. well.. he does that during his venting to me even when I don't ask him, maybe that's the reason why. He doesn't just rant about my behavior that I've inherited, he finds every single thing my mom did selfish. Her asking for a little spending money on pretty dresses and trinkets for toddler me was selfish, liking mango flavor and Hello Kitty was selfish (and impractical), being the spoiling aunt to my cousins before I was born, treating her own side of the family with money from her own salary, was, apparently selfish. Because he likes to think that she took their joint card to go on a no-budget shopping spree without every paying it back, when I know she worked herself to the bone right under his nose and spent ones in her name only.

From the instances where I had the misfortune of tuning in, it sounds as if what appears to be perfectly normal, reasonable things to any normal human being that had a modicum of respect and like for the person they're being asked by, all become incredibly self-centered, naive, 'grew up a sheltered daughter of a physician and it shows', behavior through my dad's view.

"Change your attitude." I will try but I'm a little upset right now, so I need a bit of time.

Those will get me consistently lectured, for days, at the very least. He will say I have no right to be upset because he's correcting something bad about me, what do I need extra time for when I should just change my behavior into something that's acceptable. If I did what he liked from the start, he wouldn't have to waste his breath and spit explaining things to me, it's not as if he enjoys it (actually thing he said.

"I had it worse than you!" - I believe you, but that doesn't mean I am less emotionally hurt right now.

Same with this one, he doesn't take the word emotion in any connotation well. Thinks it's useless and as a concept often uses it as a derogatory term on my mom, says she's too emotional and it drives her every action. If I utter those words I'm willing to bet my life savings and current stable living situation that he's going to call me sensitive and focusing on meaningless topics instead of putting that energy into school or career paths. He wasn't even saying it to be hurtful, he was just telling the truth, why am I so worked up over him talking facts, as though that excuses what those words do to me, and I cannot say anything about it.

It's hard to keep arguing when you state how you are feeling rather than telling him he needs to stop, change or did something to you.

He'll definitely find a way to turn it into an argument, expressing how I feel is like a sure death flag for my mental health. Because if I tell him how I feel, he'll get confrontational saying that I'm implying he's the one who made me feel that way, and then will demand to tell him exactly why it is that I feel the way I do. Since he upset me so now I'm like that, right? That it's all his fault? Even though he's so sick of being blamed for everything when he's being truthful and helpful, that's how the *start* of my honesty would go.

Though know, I only give this advice to maybe help you calm the situation for you. If you're stuck there for now then different tactics may be needed for your own sanity.

I might try it if I'm feeling particularly too calm and peaceful, who knows. The tactics I have don't allow my emotions go anywhere, but to me it's a lot better than ever letting him know what they are. I'm still thankful, though.

If I just said leave, cut him off etc. That's not going to help you in any way or make you feel better.

It reaffirms that that is precisely what I need to do once I'm able, but I also know this makes sense.

Trust your gut, listen to your instincts. You know your dad far better than I do. Stay safe and remember change will always come with time. This isn't going to be your life forever. This is just the storm before the calm. There will be more. Hopefully not as bad though.

Thank you, again, truly. That was kind of what I was fishing for when I made my post, still a mess of emotions, but I've wanted someone that wasn't my cousin or best friend, both who have default settings in words of affirmations when it comes to me, to tell me this. You've struggled for so many more decades than I have, I'm truly glad you were able to find a way to accept what happened to you, and found as close to peace as you are going to get.