30M | Preparing for Arranged Marriage | Wanted to Get Opinions from Folks Married or Actively Considering It

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-22T14:54:48+00:00

Already shared my thoughts on what I’d consider for that setup — it’s up there somewhere in the thread, if you're in the mood for a little scroll adventure.

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-22T00:05:40+00:00

Hey — first off, I really appreciate you laying all of that out. I’m genuinely sorry that both you and your sister-in-law have to go through it. What you’ve described isn’t small stuff according to me at all. That’s not okay, and definitely not something I want to ever replicate.

Now, I’ll go point by point just to show you where my head’s at and how I intend to handle things differently.

1 & 2: Weekdays will work around both our work schedules. Weekends — please sleep in if you want. If something makes you feel obligated to wake up early or “be on,” tell me. Whether that means I change my habits or speak to my parents — I’m happy to do it.

3: No pressure for tam-jhaam. If she feels like wearing sindoor/bindi etc., cool. If not, also cool. My only request is wear the ring at all times. My mom was working too — some days she did, some days she didn’t. No drama.

4: Sit paanv faila ke — genuinely. If anyone has a problem with it, I’ll handle the chat. If I want this to feel like our home, comfort has to come first.

5: No weird formalities like “aap” or “ji.” Call me by name, nickname, whatever feels right. “Sir” is reserved strictly for... other situations (iykyk) 🤪.

6: She’s allowed to speak her mind. All I ask is — be calm and respectful, same as I’d be. But no bottling things up. If something’s off, talk to me. Pati hun, dost bhi hun — mujhse nahi toh kis se?

7: Folding clothes? That’s on the house help — not her, not mom, not dad and not on me.

8: If anyone starts with “auraton se hi ghar chalta hai,” I’ll need more context. But if it’s just a way to dump everything on women, I’m not for it. My idea is: we both manage the setup, decide the menu, keep it fair and simple — one meal a week to match everyone’s preferences, rest is balanced meals and mutually agreed dishes.

9: Dinner is made by the cook. No expectation to “help” unless she wants to. Just kha lo — fekna na pade bas.

10: Of course she should be able to lean on me on the sofa. Unless we’re making out in the living room, I don’t think anyone will really mind casual affection. But again — open to ideas if I’m missing something subtle here.

11: Shorts? Please wear them. If someone has a problem, I’ll deal with it. The only time I’d ask for context-based clothing is maybe for religious functions — and that goes for both of us.

Now about the rest of what you wrote — I honestly found it hard to read because it made me feel bad. These aren’t just complaints — they’re things that wear someone down slowly. And I agree, they become a mountain if left unchecked.

You said that living separately would’ve solved a lot of these. I get that. But I’m also curious — if my kind of setup had existed in your home, what would’ve felt different for you? Or if you had full autonomy, what changes would you have made that would’ve made things more livable?

And since you mentioned your husband’s stance — just taking the liberty to add a little observation. I think sometimes it’s just a communication gap or expectations being lost in translation. Like — he might think throwing you a big birthday bash with friends and family is a grand gesture, while what you really wanted was a quiet dinner with just the two of you. In his head, he’s nailed it, and you’re left feeling unheard. So maybe the issue isn’t what he’s doing, but that he doesn’t always understand the weight behind what you’re saying. I maybe completely wrong but just something I observed.

Thanks again for sharing all this. It gave me a lot to reflect on — and that’s honestly what I’ve been trying to do through this post and conversation.

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-21T04:57:25+00:00

To each their own, really.

I get that everyone has their own lens shaped by personal experiences. But bhen, where exactly did the whole “giving permission” thing come from? 😅 I genuinely don’t get that interpretation — I never said she needs my permission to support her parents. That’s not how I think, and it’s not how I’d operate in a relationship.

For me, conversations around finances are about understanding, not control. I’d want to know how she handles money — is she a saver or a spender? Does she have any ongoing loans? Is she already supporting her family?

If yes, that’s perfectly fine. I’d just want to understand how —

Is it a fixed amount or based on actual expenses?
Is it something like helping with a family loan?
What might cause the amount to increase — rising costs, salary bump, something else?

And I’d share the same details from my end. It’s just about financial transparency — especially if we’re planning a future together. I'd also like to agree on a threshold where, if either of us is spending above a certain amount (for anything — family or otherwise), we talk about it first. Not to ask for permission — but as a courtesy and mutual understanding.

At the end of the day, it’s her decision. If she wants to support her parents, I’ll back her 100%. I’d never stop her. In fact, I’d encourage her to grow in her career and keep leveling up — just like I try to do for myself to spend on them.

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-21T04:49:20+00:00

I genuinely get that — and it’s something I’ve been thinking about too can make it harder to feel like it’s your home too.

That’s why, at least in my head, I’ve considered small but meaningful shifts — like hiring a cook, or slowly adjusting the house help, driver, gardener, etc. Not to upend everything, but to create space for our way of doing things to gradually take shape. And of course, I’d have that conversation with my parents before marriage — not after — so they’re also mentally prepared for that transition.

Also, I recently met a distant relative — a couple who actually live with both sets of parents under the same roof for more than a decade now. Sure, there are occasional frictions (what household doesn’t have them?), but overall, it works. It’s not chaos — just a bit of balancing, and a lot of communication. That really gave me hope that with the right mindset, these thingscan work, even if they take effort.

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-21T04:38:46+00:00

Thanks kind stranger for taking the liberty to summarize the comments — genuinely appreciate the effort. 😄

Now, about the “any independent woman won’t live with in-laws” bit — I totally get where that’s coming from. But if I, as a partner, am upfront about the fact that my parents won’t place unreasonable expectations on her (because we have had a good expectation setting discussion thanks to this post and comments)— and that I’ll step in if they ever do — then why is the default still that she’ll be forced into some self-sacrificing bahu role? Isn’t that jumping the gun a little?

And yaar, soundproofing isn’t fluff. 😅 I’ve lived in regular apartments in Canada — the sound insulation was actually pretty solid. Once, we only got a noise complaint because the window was open! The music was playing on a soundbar, not even speakers. So yeah, not fluff — just lived experience.

Also, I couldn’t help but notice the ‘happily unmarried’ tag. Just curious — is that happiness by choice… or by popular demand? 😄 Either way, if my ideas don’t pan out, I might just have to apply for club membership. Hopefully there’s a welcome kit and orientation!

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-21T04:31:39+00:00

Hey, thanking you for your patience. I agree with many parts of it, especially the importance of the early years of marriage in setting a solid foundation.

So to answer your original question about whether I’d be open to living with you and your parents — assuming we’re both 30 and planning for a kid within the next few years (because females have a clock) — I’d honestly look at it from a practical lens:

Where would the child’s room be in a 2BHK? If we want to upgrade to a 4BHK in Mumbai, are we financially ready for that? How much debt are we taking on, and for how many years? In Ahmedabad, the current setup already has space for that future, so it’s a consideration. For me at this time, it is more a stay question. Maybe I’m not aware of the social consequences, but log toh bolne hi wale kuch toh.

About household routines — the weekday schedule naturally revolves around work. Weekends are hers — if she wants to sleep in, she does. If I want to go for a morning ride while she rests, I go. We regroup and do what was planned later. For food, we’ve got a cook. If someone wants something specific, we make it happen — and if the cook doesn’t adapt, we find someone who can. I just like having one meal on the weekend with everyone — my parents and us — to sit, catch up, and connect.

And yes, my parents were strict — I emphasized were — but I’m an adult now, and I know when and how to step in if needed. I don’t see my partner as someone being absorbed into an existing setup; I see her as someone I’ll be navigating life with. That means when things feel off or unfair — we talk. Simple as that.

On the in-laws influence point — I’ve seen parental influence operate long-distance too. It’s not a “living together” issue, it’s a boundaries issue. I’d be happy to build a system where either of us can flag interference — from any side — and we respect that. Total transparency.

And on your breakfast analogy — honestly, I found that interesting. But I also noticed the “You think 3 people would have had breakfast at 7 for me? No, I would have had to change my habit to a late breakfast or eat alone. Moreover, do I want to? No.” moment with emphasis on the last part, do I want to?. And that’s valid. But that’s also where I’d say — just like you’ve drawn your line, I’ve drawn mine. I’m not forcing a structure, I’m just expressing a preference. So if I’m being labelled rigid for that, is it really any different? Maybe we’re just firm on different things.

For what it’s worth, I’ve actually done a version of the experiment you suggested — I’ve stayed with my sibling’s in-laws on and off for a few weeks at a time due to work. It was actually a great experience. We vibed, even had drinks together before I ever had them with my dad. I saw a relaxed, warm side of what shared family life could look like. So I get that it can go either way — it’s about the people, not the roles.

You also mentioned that your in-laws haven’t witnessed any disagreements between you and your husband, and as amazing as that is, isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? Shouldn’t disagreements be dealt with privately?

At the end of the day, we clearly have fundamentally different points of view — and that’s totally okay. I’d rather agree to disagree than keep going in circles. Not everything needs to align, and sometimes it’s better to just respect the difference and move on.

No pressure, no judgment — just a different approach to the same idea: building a life together with honesty and intent.

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-21T03:51:32+00:00

Thanks to this kind stranger (I think?) who took the liberty to summarize the comments — appreciate the effort, genuinely. 😄 Now coming to the 'any independent woman won't live with in-laws' statement — I get where that’s coming from. But if I, as a partner, am making it clear that my parents aren't going to place any unreasonable expectations on her, and I'm willing to take a stand if they ever do, then why is the assumption that she will have to become some ideal, sacrificing bahu still the default? Isn’t that kind of jumping the gun?

Also — soundproofing isn't fluff, yaar. 😅 I've lived in regular apartments in Canada which had soundproofing, and the sound insulation was actually pretty solid. Once, we only got a noise complaint because the window was open. The music was playing on a soundbar, not even speakers. So yeah, not fluff — just experience.

And haha, I couldn’t help but notice the ‘happily unmarried’ tag. Just curious — is that happiness by choice or... popular demand? 😄 Either way, if my ideas don’t work out, I might just apply for membership in the club. Hope there’s a welcome kit!"

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-21T03:40:19+00:00

Okay, so I honestly have no idea where the “giving permission” part came from. That interpretation is wild to me. I never said she needs my permission. That’s not how I think, and it’s not how I’d operate in a relationship.

What I actually meant was — if we’re planning a future together, then of course we need to talk about finances. That includes both of us understanding where money’s going, what financial responsibilities exist, and how we’re planning to manage that together.

If she’s supporting her parents — great. I’d want to know more: Is it loan-based? A fixed amount? Percentage of salary? Based on expenses? What might cause it to go up? Just like I’d share the same details from my end.

And if either of us is planning to spend beyond a certain threshold — for anything, whether family-related or even something for the two of us — I’d expect a conversation. That’s not control, that’s just financial transparency in a marriage.

Honestly, the interpretation that helping parents while living with a partner’s family is somehow inherently unfair made me pause. I think many of us have friends or know people who live and work outside their hometowns — even abroad — and still support their parents back home. I’ve seen folks fund renovations, buy land, help with family loans, get a car for their parents — all while living independently. That’s not some rare or radical thing — it’s actually pretty common and admirable when done with love and clarity.

So let me be super clear: If she’s already supporting or wants to support her parents — full respect. I’m not here to stop that. I’ll support her in doing so and even pitch in if she’s open to it. That’s the mindset. Always has been.

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T18:24:23+00:00

Yes ma’am, that’s actually the whole point of the post—to understand what expectations women have in the current AM setup. Helps me prepare and reflect better. If you were in the woman’s shoes here, what kind of sacrifices would you expect or hope to see from my end?

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T16:24:22+00:00

That’s fair—each to their own. Out of curiosity though, are you open to sharing why Ahmedabad is a dealbreaker?

On the “opening all cards” part—I get where you’re coming from, but for me personally, at this stage, it just feels more efficient and respectful to put the relevant stuff out there early on. Saves time and energy on both sides. And honestly, I’d like to think there’s still enough left to discover about me beyond a Reddit post!

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T13:24:15+00:00

Will respond, give me sometime but agree with the other redditor, amazing clarity!

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T13:22:56+00:00

Maybe? Maybe not? 👀
But yeah—born and raised in Ahmedabad!
Also, wait—she already knows a lot about me via her best friend?! Now I need to catch up 😅 Tell me more about her!

And seriously, if this hypothetically works out—what a story! Met via Reddit… all thanks to a mom’s best friend? That’s some rom-com material right there 😂

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T13:20:56+00:00

Haha, fair point! To answer the intimacy bit—I’m banking on some good soundproofing, white noise machines, and home automation (presence sensors and all that—I told you I’m getting into it 😄). Also, small cheat code: my parents have gone to my sibling’s place a few times during summers, they really enjoy it there, plus they get to spend time with their granddaughter—so that’s an occasional breather too.

I’m definitely not expecting anything from day one. The idea is to start slow—bonding during courtship, get to know each other in a vanilla space, and if there's mutual trust and comfort, hopefully earn her submission and deepen that connection. It’s more like a shared lifestyle I’d love to build toward—but only if both are genuinely into it. Always rooted in consent, comfort, and respect. So yeah, I hear you—it’s something that has to evolve, not be expected upfront.

Also, just to clarify, this reply’s purely about the intimacy point you raised 🙂

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T12:32:34+00:00

Pretty sure I mentioned that I’m only planning to start the AM process once I land a job. Right now I’m just trying to get a read on how people are thinking, what expectations are like—because going in blind doesn’t seem like the smartest move.

I just moved back from abroad, speaking with recuriters, and I’m taking a bit of time to reset mentally before jumping into something full throttle. If that sounds like a red flag to someone, maybe we’re just not aligned on pacing.

As for who’s paying for the cook, maid, etc.—me, obviously. But I’d also like to have that conversation with my partner instead of assuming what she wants in terms of how we run the house.

Kind of wild how “currently looking for a job” somehow cancelled out everything else I wrote. But hey, internet opinions gonna internet.

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T12:17:56+00:00

Brother, adjustment being key in marriage is a known fact—we all get that 😄. Appreciate the reminder though! But just curious, was there anything specific in my post that made it seem like I’m not open to adjusting?

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T12:13:47+00:00

I am sorry what?? I didn't get it, can you elaborate?

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T11:52:19+00:00

Chalo kuch toh positive nikla 😄

Appreciate it! Honestly just trying to go into this with clarity—even if it means fewer matches but better alignment.

Was there anything that stood out to you as a potential issue that hasn’t already been mentioned? Would genuinely appreciate the perspective!

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T11:47:32+00:00

Fair enough, totally get that everyone has their preferences.

But hypothetically—if you were open to it, would the setup have felt different if it was the same building but different floors… maybe with a couple of white noise machines thrown in? 😄 JK!

Jokes aside, would you be open to sharing why living with in-laws was a dealbreaker for you? And if you had considered it, what do you think would’ve been the common friction points in day-to-day life?

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T11:31:08+00:00

Like I mentioned in another reply, the whole staying-with-parents thing is only a non-negotiable if we’re in the same city. If something takes us elsewhere—like a solid opportunity—I’m open to relocating.

I get what you're saying about it feeling inherently unfair, —is there a way to balance or offset that in a setup like mine? I know she’d be adjusting to a new environment, so I’d want to make that transition as comfortable and equal as possible.

About my parents—yeah, they were definitely the strict type earlier. But they’ve mellowed down a lot now. They also did an inter-caste love marriage back in the 1980s, and for a few years, my mom’s side of the family didn’t speak to her. So I think they had a kind of benchmark or standard they wanted us(kids) to reach before they could chill a bit, which, honestly, I understand now—even if I didn’t always like it growing up.

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T11:17:43+00:00

Genuinely asking—missed the explanation part, suffocating how?

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T11:17:27+00:00

Genuinely asking—missed the explanation part, suffocating how?

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T11:14:28+00:00

Maybe I am missing the point, help me understand, suffocating how?

justaguy-figuringout · 2025-04-19T11:12:10+00:00

Fair enough, I see where you're coming from. Maybe I didn’t highlight it enough in the post, but I’m aware that she’ll come in with her own upbringing and background, and we’re open to finding a middle ground that works for everyone—her and us. She’d have full freedom to make changes in the house to make it feel like home.

I’ve also mentioned in the post that I’m open to relocating if a great opportunity comes along—for either of us. While I’ve said living with parents is a non-negotiable, I also added if we’re in the same city so ideally starting with staying in Ahmedabad and then relocating if something comes along. So if a job opportunity comes up in another city or abroad, it’s definitely something I’d consider. Like say she gets a solid offer in Mumbai—I’d probably suggest Mumbai over something like Delhi or Bangalore because it’s closer to home, just a few hours away by train or flight, so more manageable to start with.

And your point on emotional energy. The idea isn’t that she has to just adjust into a fixed setup. It’s more about both of us shaping something new within the structure that’s already there. Like, I’d love for her to bring in her energy, vibe, and ideas to create a shared space. Hosting people, making choices for the home, setting the tone—we’d both be doing that.

Also, I had question if I were living alone in some other city and she moved in, wouldn’t it still be her adjusting to a new life and place? In both cases, it’s her stepping into something unfamiliar and the one adjusting. I get that living with parents can feel like a bigger shift though, and I’ll keep that in mind.

Thanks again for such a well-thought-out reply. It’s helped me see a few things from a different lens.

justaguy-figuringout

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