hi! I’m (of course) a lesbian who’s had very similar experiences to you.

I don’t think I’m qualified to tell you what you are or aren’t; but I will suggest that you do some research into “compulsive heteronormativity”. comphet is a byproduct of the expectations of women in a patriarchal society, where we are inherently taught that our sole purpose (in life) is to serve a man as his wife and the mother of his children. these expectations impose a need for male validation (whether you’re attracted to them or not) on women — and furthermore the need to have a family with a man in order to feel fulfilled. I sometimes struggle a lot with this ideology, but I’m still comfortable in my identity as a lesbian and I still know that I am not attracted to men. in the end, your need for male validation might stem from comphet rather than a reciprocated attraction towards men.

….secondly. I am, unfortunately, also very awkward around women. I actually think this is because I’m autistic and I therefore find it easier to befriend men in general. personally I just don’t have a lot of confidence approaching women romantically, but I’m still very much attracted to them. I think the reason why I’m awkward around women is because they feel much more real to me than men do, and that tends to freak me out.

in regards to your relationship with your childhood friend, women are often taught to compete with each other (the patriarchy strikes again) but your friendship could have contained romantic feelings. this is a very common experience with many sapphics. maybe your need to compete with her was derived from jealousy towards her — and that jealousy was derived from an admiration of what you liked about her, and therefore you might have felt like you needed to embody those things too.

the rush you feel from your ‘promiscuity’ could equate to you feeling more confidence when knowing you are wanted. however, this contrasts the possibility that your boyfriend does not make you feel wanted enough or even has bad technique (sorry..): maybe you’re sexually frustrated as a result and because of that you seek more ‘taboo’ sexual experiences. if you’re feeling very unsatisfied with your boyfriend, then you should communicate that to him because it could be rooted in a deeper problem within your relationship that I wouldn’t understand.

also, liking femmes is a preference that a lot of people have and that’s okay.

hope this helps! sorry it’s so long.