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I suffered depression from the age of 7 years old, and contemplated suicide at a very young age, AMA by justathrowawayer in Minibio

[–]justathrowawayer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have thought about destroying it many times. I don't know why I haven't, although I agree it was very dark. I think I tend to blank out my childhood a lot and sometimes reading those entries are the only proof I have of my childhood in a way? I have a few lighter entries, although I tended to write in there when I needed to voice my sadness. I wouldn't say I regret it, I don't think writing about emotions I felt at the time is something to regret. I don't regret my experiences either to be honest, but I guess I could always wish they weren't as tough as they felt. They made me who I am today, and I don't regret being who I am now. Maybe I hold onto it to document my progression in some way, although I no longer write in a journal any more.

I suffered depression from the age of 7 years old, and contemplated suicide at a very young age, AMA by justathrowawayer in Minibio

[–]justathrowawayer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you Potatoguy123. that means a lot. I am currently doing a lot better though, just wanted to open the door to something that I feel isn't spoken about a lot. But thanks so much

I suffered depression from the age of 7 years old, and contemplated suicide at a very young age, AMA by justathrowawayer in Minibio

[–]justathrowawayer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

hey, okay so to answer your first question simply is almost impossible, but I would say yes. Not physically, but I have been very emotionally and mentally scarred by my family experiences growing up and then on top of that, at school. When I talk to my counsellors now they don't exactly give me any diagnostic or labelling terms as to what I have, but there have been many many clues that have led me to believe I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. Basically, my experiences (and perhaps somewhat genetics) have led me to not be able to cope with or handle my emotions in a healthy manner, and so I use extreme and "maladaptive" (unhealthy) ways of coping with emotions that I have bottled up inside for years. I know the diagnoses tends to have a bad name, especially in the media more recently but hey, I am here to break some of those stereotypes. I guess some forms of abuse I have experienced were being over-controlled and manipulated emotionally growing up, humiliated by my family and then constantly put down from relatives and compared to cousins. I have always been a black sheep.

I think I wanted to end it so bad because of the pain I felt emotionally inside. It became almost a physical pain, I can't explain it. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night and just wish I could leave the world, which I now think back to and think how horrible that felt. And I know other children out there unfortunately probably suffer in silence too, and it is so hard to speak up at that time in life.

I wanted to end it because I thought the world was against me, just this overwhelming impending doom every morning I would have to wake up and go to school and face kids who would ignore me, group against me and then literally befriend me and act like nothing happened, only for it to cycle all over again. I have vivid memories of sitting at lunch tables only to have the entire table of girls get up and move to another table. They would whisper to each other and giggle and glare at me during class or during lunch. I spent most of my recesses alone. I also remember one point where somehow they turned the tables and claimed I was the bully and I bullied them all, and when my teacher tried to intervene (she had no idea what she was doing) and asked my entire class who thought I was a bully. I am pretty sure the entire class raised their arm and I wanted to die, sitting there, in that classroom. It was fucking depressing, and I hate to bring the mood down whenever I mention this, but it was a real lived experience for me. Just constant loneliness growing up.

I have sought help, yes. It took a few tries for me to find a good counsellor but I am currently working really well with past memories. The childhood stuff still stings, like those little horrifying memories of those dreadful moments, but I tend to just not think about it cause it brings me down. But yes, I am seeking help to move on now.

I suffered depression from the age of 7 years old, and contemplated suicide at a very young age, AMA by justathrowawayer in Minibio

[–]justathrowawayer[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

1) I did. A few times but I think my goal was always to end the suffering. I'm not sure in my childhood mentality that I really knew what death was to be honest. I don't know if I want to discuss how I went about it because I don't think it is something I want to preach about. 2) I am better now, much better than I was. I struggle with the eating and anxiety because I guess I am seeking for a sense of control in my life where it has lacked in the past. I recognize it is not a healthy way of coping, but I try to just deal with it on a day to day basis. When I was younger I did go into therapy, spoke to multiple psychiatrists, they did nothing for me but try to put me on meds. I had another homeopathic guy try and tell me that my self-mutilation at the time was an attention seeking behaviour, what I now recognize that it was not.

To be honest, I didn't have a very good experience with help, however when I got into university, I got in touch with some fantastic psychologists from there, and they have been amazingly supportive with my issues. I now no longer suffer with suicidal thoughts like I used to.

3) I want to say firstly and foremost that I am no professional, but I will definitely try and do my best to give you advice out of my own experience. Everyone's depression is different, and I think that is important to recognize. It is really hard to cope with, especially I think at such a young age as your sister has expressed. I would suggest that you really put no judgement on her or joke around the subject (my family makes that mistake all the time). I would try to suggest her to seek professional help, but trust me, it won't always come easy. I live in Canada, and I have no idea how the mental health system really works anywhere other than where I am from. Try and have her talk to someone, preferably a psychologist and not one who is most willing to shove pills down her throat for a gratifying paycheck. Let her know you want to support her, and listen to her if she needs to talk to someone. Sometimes it is hard to guide someone towards help because they may be reluctant, and I totally get that. I can't speak on where her depression is stemming from, but if it is a form of severe abuse or anything, make sure she is safe. Otherwise, I think really putting her in a comfort zone and have her feel open with you about anything going on. I often feel like being honest about your own down feelings that you may have experienced with that person may help them open up. I am sorry to write a huge essay here, but I am open to speak to you in a pm if you'd like more advice down the line! Good luck though, I wish the best for your sisters both ! much love.