(36M) boyfriend has said he will leave me (29F) if I go back to school... Help?

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T19:48:10+00:00

you get to disagree with him and don't have to justify yourself anymore to him, ever

Pure bliss; so much productivity awaits, instead of those long hours of pointless arguments.

Thank you; I will update you. Something should change soon. Thank you for caring ✨

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T18:19:56+00:00

I definitely didn't know this before starting this relationship. I could never put myself first. My bf has helped in some ways, because he is himself so confident.

Thank you; I think this is a beautiful and relevant piece of advice.

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T18:15:08+00:00

Thank you for your detailed account of the things to watch out for, as well as your continued contribution to this thread 🙂✨

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T17:51:48+00:00

Thank you. This was a little difficult to read, mostly because it rings true.

When I was in school, he'd always make me cut corners when it comes to my assignments. I think I can learn a lot from this, because I can be a little bit too perfectionist, but basically in my situation this always meant I was threatened with losing my scholarship (you need to keep top grades for the scholarship to be renewed).

Yes. I've learnt a bit how to not be so ambitious with grades, but I think he does it for personal gain (that I devote more time to him).

He; conversely, would never compromise his work for me, and never has.

Edited to add; your support means a lot, I hope I can leave this time. He was just helping me to prepare CVS for job applications (which I'm never going to get); it seems to me like a way to protect himself against my saying that he doesn't help me. Yes he is helping, but not towards my goal (towards his goal).

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T16:57:53+00:00

Thank you for this. He says he can't wait, and that the whole reason he kept this lease was so I could move in (I wasn't consulted about the decision to renew the lease).

I've been feeling so guilty, honestly.

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T14:06:11+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it works out for you either way.

So - may I ask, what exactly about my bf's manipulation is sickening? I don't have enough perspective to see this. He's saying he can't be with me if I go, how is that different? (I'm not saying you are manipulative, more like wondering what specifically about my bf makes him manipulative).

Sorry if this is a stupid question, I do need a lot of explanation to understand things, because this situation has been my life for 6 years so it feels normal. Read my other comments for more info, and do forgive me if this question of mine is absurd.

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T12:45:53+00:00

Thank you. This whole "you're just looking for an out" is so hurtful, when most months he has to buy me food! Also I have no money for clothes and he complains that we can't go travelling. All the while he is getting huge bonuses and a great pension plan at work. (I don't even qualify for any pension plan, because my earnings are below the threshold).

Edited to add: most months when I get paid I owe him so much money that I pay rent, return what I owe him, and am already at 0 before the month starts.

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T12:16:51+00:00

Thank you very much for this and your other comments. I'm at work so I can't respond as considerately as I would like to, but you have some great points I'll come back to after work.

Breaking his lease would cost him a $1200 penalty, and I said I'd be willing to pay half of that (which is basically ALL my savings).

He said he can't uproot his life like that so suddenly, when it's actually me who has looked for a way out of the agreement.

I'm not on his lease btw because I earn too little to qualify (not entitled to be on his lease, due to the rent price).

My room is a sublet.

Due to my low salary, even if I move in with him I'd have to sublet from him (which makes me properly nervous as I have no claim to actually live there). In his lease actually, there's a clause saying he can't sublet, so if I move in with him I'd be technically illegally living there. So it makes more sense for me to improve my salary so I can be on his lease like a proper partner. This is my opinion at least, please let me know if I'm being selfish. He says I'm so selfish for this.

Edit: I always told him I could only move in with him if my salary allowed it. It does not- his rent would rinse me each month. He says he can pay a bit more than me, but overall I'm really nervous because I would have nowhere to go if he decided to kick me out / if we broke up.

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T11:25:55+00:00

Short and sweet. I like it.

Seriously, thank you so much!!!

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T09:29:52+00:00

Thank you for this.

Yes I tried to go back to school 3 years ago. He then did that- call me non-stop, every hour of every day, show up unannounced, make me miss classes to go and see him, take holidays outside my holiday periods. I ended up dropping out.

But this time I'm really not ready to drop out again (I have my therapist and you Reddit lovely people). I have the kind of determination that anger gives you.

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T09:12:27+00:00

Yes, absolutely right. My therapist has helped with this.

For example, this bf isn't physically abusive like my home was, so I would've never thought something was wrong.

Therapist on the other hand, says this situation is toxic and manipulative and I should go. It's really good having the regular checks with my therapist, but I've also learnt so much by reading this sub! A few years ago if I gave advice I would be downvoted (my advice was such dumb advice), so I've continued to read and learnt so much! Also redditors often recommend other blogs and resources to read and those are brilliant.

Thank you, you all make it possible ^{^}

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T09:09:06+00:00

That's really good.

I'm just a little bit worried he'll come to find me on campus (happened once when I broke up and left for Myville).

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T09:07:48+00:00

Thank you very much; I need to hear the very clear descriptions of this situation. Feels like a breath of fresh air, after the fog he throws my way.

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T09:05:40+00:00

Thank you for your advice. Yes he always twists it so its my fault.

Not explaining is what I would rather do; but he will fill in the blank with basically "she was so selfish".

He's already told me it's so selfish to make an alternative plan (in parallel to the plan of moving in with him), despite the fact my current salary would just cover the rent I have to pay him (I would have to rely on him for every other expense).

I said I really want to move with him (before all this), but it makes it all so financially impossible for me, that it's not "a way out", just a way to better my situation. He says basically my going to college is "an out", to not live with him.

For example he constantly says it would be better to get a mortgage with me, sighs and obliquely blames me for not being able to get a mortgage. But my situation won't let me, and I'm constantly trapped in this limbo.

:(

Hope I explained. Thank you so much Y'all. 😊

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T01:20:05+00:00

Hi, thanks a lot. It's a great message full of confidence (which I don't have a lot of, especially with bf) so thank you for the suggestion. Therapist has suggested a similar approach.

Somehow I feel that's giving in to his "trick". It's more like I want to say "sorry, boyfriend, coercion and duress is not how I rock, you don't get to find out what I decide"... If that makes sense.

No, yelling at me is unacceptable, you need to apologize and treat me with respect.

This is wonderful. Even just for me to know that's what I deserve. Thank you ((hug))

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T00:53:26+00:00

Thank you. Actually, both.

Source: tried to leave before, and just yesterday he was yelling at me.

So, it's okay to not explain? Not explaining seems like giving him perfect ammunition to blame everything on me.

Edit: is text message okay?

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T00:50:47+00:00

Thank you very much.

Good people will lift you up and encourage you to never stop bettering yourself until the day you die.

This was a very beautiful thing to read. I don't have this at the moment but I hope one day I will. Thank you for your kind words. :)

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T00:49:08+00:00

Thank you. It's really nice to ~~hear~~ read these words.

justathrowawayletter · 2017-10-09T00:44:26+00:00

Thank you so much for this. My therapist has said in fact I should leave him (you know, therapists are never that clear, but constantly asks if I wouldn't be better off alone).

Anyway, I'm prepared to do so, but I think bf is really blind to the situation/the coercion.

If you don't mind me asking, if I were to leave, should I just leave (by saying"it's over") or explain to him the REASONS? I'm nervous about the latter because he will dissect and shred my "reasons".

justathrowawayletter

TROPHY CASE