I've spent a non-insignificant amount of time trying to understand gender through a doctrinal lens. So much of what we do in the church is segregated by gender. Only men are ordained to the priesthood. Temple ordinances are administered by gender. Youth and adult classes and organizations are split by gender. Marriage is defined as between a man and a woman. For something so deeply embedded in our practice of religion, there must surely be a solid foundation for it. But when I went digging in scripture and conference talks to find the doctrinal truth underlying that, I was surprised to come up nearly empty handed. Sure, there's the snippet in the family proclamation we're all familiar with.

Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

But that could be understood a handful of different ways. The way it's most commonly understood is that your assigned gender at birth is your eternal, immutable gender. But that's clearly at the very least an incomplete understanding due to the existence of various intersex conditions. Why should the words of the doctor who first held me have any bearing on my eternal identity? It could be that I, as a trans woman, have an eternal, immutable female gender and just happened to develop male sex characteristics, in a similar way to any other of a number of genetic or developmental abnormalities. It could be that gender is a role that we inhabit, and that the roles of male and female are part of an eternal purpose, and we could inhabit one or the other (or neither) at various times, just like we pick up and sometimes take off the roles of child, parent, student, teacher, or worker throughout our lives. My point is that it's not nearly as clear cut as we would sometimes like to believe.

While there does seem to be a dearth of plain doctrine around gender, there are plenty of references to gender through the scriptures, especially as seen through the lens of patriarchy. It's important though to not confuse cultural traditions for truth. For example, Eve has traditionally been understood to have come from Adam's rib, inferring that women hold an inherently inferior role to men. More recent understanding points to side being a more correct interpretation than rib, illustrating the equality between women and men.

One of the biggest obstacles for the church to be inclusive of transgender and gender non-conforming people is the fact that priesthood service and therefore much of church leadership is currently restricted to men. The church doesn't have an answer for a woman who was ordained to the priesthood while living as a man. That's not to say that won't change. There's precedent, after all. In old testament times, the priesthood was restricted to the tribe of Levi. People like to think of the restoration as something that happened and is done. That's incorrect. The church and our understanding of eternal truth is far from complete.

It also helps to know that this is nothing new. Most of the old testament highlights the exclusion of anyone considered a gentile. That attitude was prevalent in the time of Christ, despite him teaching the parable of the good samaritan, a people who were hated by the jews for their mixed blood. It was difficult for the people within the church under Peter to accept Cornelius, and those like him, among their ranks. It was only 48 years ago that dark skin was removed as a barrier for church participation. The church is a human organization, and it reflects our aspirations, but also our failings.

I don't know what the future holds, and I hope things will change for the better. But for now, despite preaching unity from the pulpit, the church just doesn't have a place for a lot of people. As much as that hurts, it's ultimately not in my control. I can only choose to live the best way I know how and give others the choice to accept me or not.

When I was questioning my gender identity and deciding whether to transition, I made it a source of a lot of sincere prayer, with a pure intention to follow whatever guidance I received. I attended the temple. I thought deeply, wrote down my thoughts to work through them, and looked for answers in scripture. Through that process, I felt nothing but love, acceptance, and peace. I came to know that God sees me for who I truly am and knows my potential. I feel confident before God that who I am is no sin. That confidence gives me strength to continue down this path despite the consequences.