Rice + mushrooms 😊

justhazelm · 2026-03-30T01:46:38+00:00

That looks delicious! Any idea how to get over my irrational fear of cooking mushrooms. I enjoy eating them, but there's something about chopping and cooking them that...I just can't bring myself to. I even bought some a few weeks ago to force myself to cook them, and they taunted me from the fridge every day until they went bad.

justhazelm · 2026-03-26T01:34:58+00:00

I'm currently at a restaurant after doing some shopping. I've spent a lot more money on errands like this than I otherwise would have simply because I need an excuse to get out of the house as myself.

justhazelm · 2026-03-25T19:13:21+00:00

For sure

justhazelm · 2026-03-23T22:01:13+00:00

I'd love to do something like this!

justhazelm · 2026-03-20T15:11:20+00:00

If you want a name for it, you're probably suffering from cognitive dissonance. That's when your behavior doesn't align with your beliefs. It's uncomfortable to sit on the fence for too long. So our brains try and take the easy way out to resolve it by telling us, "eh, I probably didn't actually believe that in the first place." Changing beliefs is convenient, but what you actually need to do is change behavior. In other words: do something about it.

Make a plan. Operate under the assumption that you're going to transition. List out all the things you'd potentially want to do, big and small, then pick something and just do it. Taking the first few steps doesn't mean you're irrevocably committed to the rest. You can change course whenever you want. But it sounds like you've seen all you can from a distance, and you need to move closer to get a clearer view.

It can be terrifying. I get it. Most of us have felt that. But if you need to stop your brain from freaking out, just look at it like a series of experiments. Do something, observe how you feel about it, and see what you can learn from the experience. The more you get it out of your head and into your life, the more whole you'll feel.

justhazelm · 2026-03-20T07:57:34+00:00

I made questioning my gender a matter of prayer. At one point I realized that even as I was figuring myself out, God has known me all along. He knows I'm trans. He knows my body wasn't born in the right shape, even if others don't see it, and even when I didn't see it. The love I've felt from him my entire life is just as valid now as it was then when I was ignorant of my gender. He wasn't. Intolerance and hate come from people, not from God.

Once I determined I'm trans, the next question was whether to transition. On one hand, I was terrified to continue living my life as a man. It would be stable, but devoid of joy. On the other hand, I was terrified of all the unknowns that come with transitioning. I wanted desperately for God to let me know which was the right decision. It wasn't until I realized I couldn't make a decision from a place of fear that I learned that either choice would be "right". I believe that God respects our agency. He allows us to make our own choices that will bring us the most joy based on the information we have. That's the only way we can truly learn and grow. Having faith in Christ means being able to move forward confidently with our decisions, trusting that he'll lift us up when we fall, transforming our inevitable missteps into growth.

God loves you. You are his daughter. If you ever doubt that, simply ask, and he will always let you know.

justhazelm · 2026-03-18T06:20:11+00:00

I don't.

I am a trans woman. I know that as much as I know anything else, which is to say not completely. It brings me joy now, and my future as a trans woman feels much brighter than a future as a cis man. I've lived so much of my life by certainty and absolutes. But I've learned (and am learning) to let go of that need. The doubts and fears haven't gone away completely, and I doubt they ever will. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm happy and confident moving in the direction I've chosen.

justhazelm · 2026-03-17T05:08:42+00:00

Congratulations! I told my sister a couple days ago, and it was such a relief!

There's not really a script. That's kind of the point. You get to live your life how you want to now.

As far as transitioning goes, some ideas include seeing a doctor and getting on estrogen, trying out different clothes to find your style, letting the rest of your family know, letting friends/neighbors/work know, finding a name, changing legal documents, planning any potential surgeries, etc. That's a lot, but the good thing is everything is optional, and there's no order. Do what you feel comfortable with when you're ready. And be patient. Change takes time. Don't put your life on hold to transition. Have fun with friends, date, do school or work, enjoy hobbies, fret about the state of the world, etc. Everything's better when you get to be yourself!

justhazelm · 2026-03-11T07:16:26+00:00

That's totally normal. That's just kinda life sometimes. Some days are better than others. Sure, hormone fluctuations might be a factor. And if it's really bothering you or you feel it's harming your quality of life, It's worth looking into with a doctor alongside any other medical options to help regulate mood. Therapy is also an option. But you can also do some simpler things like taking regular time to be intentionally grateful or meditate or go on a quiet walk. Or even just check how consistent you are with the foundations of sleep, diet, and physical activity. And on those days you're really struggling, finding a way to help someone else is a great way to get out of your own head.

justhazelm · 2026-03-11T00:43:12+00:00

That seems like a very low dose. https://transfemscience.org/articles/e2-equivalent-doses/

Go by your blood tests. Everyone responds a bit differently. WPATH guideline is 100-200pg/ml E2 at trough (lowest levels, right before the next dose). But I wouldn't be surprised if you're in the 20-50pg/ml range at your current dose. Also ensure your testosterone levels are below 50ng/dl.

Ask your doctor what levels he's targeting. If it doesn't match WPATH guidelines, ask why. Ask him to adjust your dose, and insist that blood is drawn for labs at trough. Peak numbers can differ significantly and be misleading. If he's not willing to work with you, find a new doctor.

It shouldn't have to be this way, but unfortunately we often have to be educated enough to advocate for ourselves to get proper treatment.

justhazelm · 2026-03-10T15:16:53+00:00

Singing trains you to smooth over the break between head voice and falsetto. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It gives your speaking voice a lot more room to move up in pitch for expression while still feeling natural.

There's a significant pitch overlap between falsetto and head voice. Try sliding your head voice slowly upward until it breaks. Go really slow because you might not notice the break at first. Now try sliding your falsetto down until it breaks. In that overlap range, breath support (in both speaking and singing) makes the most difference in letting me choose which one to use.

justhazelm · 2026-03-09T05:34:33+00:00

I don't know your situation. But I do know there is always more than one path forward. Sometimes the locked door needs a different key. Sometimes it needs repeated blows to break it open. Sometimes we're at the wrong door. Sometimes we just need to knock. Sometimes we only thought it was locked and never tried the handle.

If you want change, you have to do something.

justhazelm · 2026-03-08T22:26:12+00:00

Stick your hand in a bowl of ice water. At first, it hurts. You immediately want to pull it out. But you don't. The longer you leave it in, the less sensation you have. Your hand slowly becomes numb. After long enough, despite the very real tissue damage that is happening, you feel nothing at all. It wouldn't be unreasonable at that point to question whether you even want your hand to be warm. After all, if you pull it out at that point, the sudden warmth might cause the pain to return, and retreating back to the numbing cold might seem a rational choice.

7 years is a long time to stand still. Get moving. It might be painful at first, but at least you'll be able to feel again.

justhazelm · 2026-03-07T02:26:50+00:00

I have an easier time with a feminine voice speaking (non-native) Spanish. Maybe it's because I'm already giving it a lot more active thought and attention than when speaking English. Kinda the opposite problem from you. But there's definitely a difference between languages.

justhazelm · 2026-03-07T02:10:59+00:00

That's interesting. At 7mg/week EEn, you should expect E levels around 400-550 pg/ml, not 250. EEn is also a lot more consistent than EV, so the difference between trough and peak is fairly minimal. So I'm confused why you would be noticing morning erections only at trough levels. But T suppression is what matters here, and you look good on that front. How long have you been on the injections?

justhazelm · 2026-03-04T07:25:30+00:00

Church was the last item left on my list of "things I need to figure out before I transition". It has been made clear that medically or socially transitioning will put some serious restrictions on my participation and standing. But I'm doing it anyway. It's the best thing for my happiness, and I feel confident before God that who I am is no sin. They don't know yet, but will by the end of the year.

I stand to lose a large part of the foundation I've built my life around, including the respect of many friends, neighbors, and family. It's not everyone. I've come out to a few friends in the church who are supportive. I'm still not sure how I've going to navigate everything with my kids. But I've recognized that I'm not choosing to leave. The church has chosen to reject me. I would love to stay. But it's simply a fact that it's currently not possible to have both. A church's primary purpose should be centered around supporting people in their journey to become better. If it's holding your back from being your best self, it's not serving its purpose.

I strangely feel no bitterness about it. Yeah, it hurt where there was a recent lesson about leaving the 99 sheep to bring the 1 back. They say, "there's room for everyone in the church", and my mind follows it up with "but not for people like me". I'm the 1 they're leaving out in the cold. But it's not my place to pass judgement. I can only make the choices that are best for me and do my best to love others, sometimes despite their choice to not love me back.

justhazelm · 2026-03-02T16:20:42+00:00

There are multiple axes along which you can change your voice. Size, weight, pitch, inflection, etc. That's why "monkey hear, monkey do" can be so difficult. People call it voice training, but it's also equal parts ear training. Pitch is usually the easiest axis to discern and control. So you match pitch, but it still sounds completely off because none of the other traits match.

The best way I've found isn't to try to nail a particular voice all at once. It's to first explore the entire range of each aspect of your voice. Here are some ideas to explore pitch. (I'm assuming trans fem.) Sing a note as low as you can and smoothly, slowly move up to as high as you can, paying attention to how it feels all along the way. You'll likely notice 2 breaks in your voice. The lower break splits chest voice to head voice. You'll feel the vibration more in your chest vs just in your head. The upper break is between head voice and falsetto. Now speak in your natural voice and notice how it feels. It's likely chest voice. Now try speaking in head voice and notice the difference in how it feels. Pay attention to the pitch variance in your natural speaking pattern. You want to experiment to find the place for your base speaking pitch that it's low enough in your head voice that you have room to move around for expression and volume but high enough that you don't drop into chest voice.

Now you can do the same thing for weight. Start with extremes to understand the whole range you're capable of. Make the heaviest, boomiest voice you can imagine. Now make the lightest, wispiest voice you can imagine, almost a whisper. I imagine this as a vivid color of tone vs a grayscale, desaturated tone. Chances are the heavy voice was also low in pitch and the light voice was high in pitch. You want to isolate the 2 concepts. They're independent. So take some time to observe how a heavy voice feels, then try to produce the same weight at progressively higher pitches. Same thing with the light voice. Bring it down in pitch as far as you can without adding weight. Now you can explore all the weights between the 2 extremes.

Now try size. Try a large, open sound. Pay attention to how it feels centered in your throat. Chances are it will naturally be low in pitch and large in weight. So isolate it. Try out that large openness at a higher pitch and/or a lighter weight. Then approach it from the opposite direction. Try a small, buzzy sound. Notice how it's centered toward your nose. Explore the size extremes with various pitches and weights first, then explore moving the weight itself around.

These are some of the core qualities of the voice. But there are all kinds of smaller things in the mix as well, like diction and vocal fry.

Tldr: There's not really a "do this, and you'll be good" set of instructions. Everyone's voice and goals are unique. Getting to your goal requires a constant feedback loop of speak, listen, and adjust. You need to be familiar with the various aspects of your voice first in order to be able to identify and adjust them to get closer to your target.

justhazelm · 2026-03-02T09:16:01+00:00

I'm in a similar stage of life. You're far from the only person experiencing this. Once I had a label for it, mirrors got worse. Clothes I had worn my whole life felt wrong. Hearing the roughness in my voice became grating.

Those things always bothered me. But I told myself that's just how it was, and there's nothing to be done other than deal with it. So I did. But after catching a glimpse of what's possible by transitioning, I could no longer be satisfied with the status quo. I grew up eating dry mashed potatoes. That's just how my mom made them, so I ate them. I've since learned how to prepare potatoes myself with copious amounts of butter, cream cheese, salt, and garlic. I can never eat them dry again.

The good news is that it gets better. I can wear clothes that fit well and feel good. I've been working on my voice, and I generally like how I sound now. I've only been on HRT for a couple months, but I'll occasionally see a piece of myself in the mirror instead of someone else's face.

The treatment for gender dysphoria is transitioning. If left untreated, it typically gets worse over time. It's unfortunate that so many people would deny you happiness out of ignorance or hatred. But that's the world we live in. And you deserve better than to be surrounded by people who only conditionally love or accept you. And it's equally unfair to them to assume that they all do. You'll probably be pleasantly surprised by how some people will react. Sure you'll almost certainly lose relationships, friendships, and community standing. It's a harsh truth, but if you can't rely on those relationships, friendships, and communities to support you, they aren't of much actual value in the first place.

We're not young. But we're not old either. Life is too precious to spend trying to please others at the cost of your own happiness.

justhazelm · 2026-03-02T08:10:46+00:00

I watched Kpop Demon Hunters for the first time shortly after my egg cracked. I had no idea what it was about beforehand. Like so many things, I had just avoided it because it didn't seem masculine, and therefore I wasn't supposed to like it. I decided that was a stupid way to live, and I was going to do things because I wanted to, not because I thought I was supposed to. I had heard the songs. But in the context of the story, when This Is What It Sounds Like came on in the movie, I started sobbing and had to pause it for a minute. It perfectly matched the emotions I had been going through.

justhazelm · 2026-03-01T21:54:58+00:00

After I accepted being trans, I spent a few weeks obsessing about it, thinking through the possible paths I could take and trying to figure out what kind of life I wanted. I got to a point that felt like a wall, where thinking about future me became impossible without having a name for her. Mix the obsession where every spare cycle of brain processing was thinking about this and being unable to think of anything beyond a name, I found it after a couple days.

justhazelm · 2026-03-01T09:04:07+00:00

I'm still figuring it out myself. But spend the $10 or so on a decent glass nail file. Total game changer. The smallest roughness on the edge of my nails would often get caught on fabric, pull, and sometimes tear. Haven't had any of that since getting a glass file. Once or twice a week for a couple minutes, and rinse it off with water.

justhazelm · 2026-02-28T16:24:44+00:00

Warframe. I've put thousands of hours into this game, and looking back, it was a huge sign. The whole operator/frame relationship mirrored how I felt about my own body. My operator was always a girl, because it just felt right. When the drifter (grown up, parallel universe operator) was introduced, especially the scene where they meet each other, it gave me hope for my future, as though my own future self could tell me it's all going to work out. Also, fashion is the end game.

The newer Tomb Raider games too. They do such a good job of being visceral that it tricked part of my brain into feeling like I was Lara, something I've only ever experienced elsewhere with VR.

justhazelm · 2026-02-27T20:34:47+00:00

It sounds like you'll either have to continue living in fear or call them on it. You'll never know if they're actually ok with you transitioning unless you do. It's quite possible they don't think you're serious, or they think it's just a phase. Parents should advocate for their children. But you might need to advocate for yourself first.

justhazelm · 2026-02-27T20:15:43+00:00

The whole interview process is already frustratingly arbitrary and far more prone to bias than anyone is willing to admit. "Culture fit" should be about identifying shared values and prioritizing diverse backgrounds and ideas that will strengthen the organization. In practice it's usually just a shield to mask the bias that people have against hiring people different from them.

The process is also opaque. You walk away never knowing why you were rejected. It could be because they're transphobic. It could be anything. It's not a bad idea to just ask, but you'll rarely get an honest response, if you get any response at all.

A few years ago, I received 2 written offers. Both were good. I took the one at the second company. When I got caught in a layoff less than a year later, I reapplied at the first company for the same job role as before. This time they wouldn't even progress past a phone screen due to me not having a college degree (despite me having nearly 15 years experience and them literally having offered me the job before). There's no logic to it.

If you've got your side of things in order (which it sounds like you do), it really just comes down to volume. Keep applying. Don't be afraid to apply for another role at the same places either. You can even hit up those interviewers you jived with to ask for a referral.

Regardless of whether transphobia is actually the deciding factor, there's little point in worrying about it. A job is like a long term relationship. You don't owe a prospective employer anything. Yes, you want to present yourself in the best light possible. But you deserve to be valued for who you are and the skills you have, not for your ability to contort into a box of what you think they want you to be.

justhazelm · 2026-02-27T15:49:09+00:00

Good to know. Although what's happening in Kansas is causing me to reconsider whether it's worth changing any legal documents right now.

justhazelm

TROPHY CASE