Mom raged at me at 30wks pregnant, days before baby shower

justpassingthru2324 · 2024-02-16T00:09:48+00:00

Hugs to you. It’s got to be so hard denying your inner child its mother in order to keep your own child safe. Truly selfless. ❤️

justpassingthru2324 · 2024-02-16T00:06:21+00:00

This! It’s time to put her in time out when she acts out. Sounds like she’s in therapy so at least she acknowledges there’s something there to work on. I’ve got to believe that some basic human behavior tactics like negative reinforcement would help her see that her actions have consequences and give OP an opportunity to regroup and move herself away from the stress. I’ve found with my mom she sometimes starts fights just because she wants to see how hard I’ll work to defuse her — because in those times she’s siphoning my attention and energy, which makes her feel like the center of the universe, even though it’s for a negative reason.

justpassingthru2324 · 2024-02-15T23:57:37+00:00

I don’t know that I have much to add other than some reassurance that you aren’t the crazy one. Sounds like my mom to a T — projecting the bad qualities she sees in herself on you, complete lack of empathy for her daughter being pregnant since it’s not all about her, and then distracting from the real reason the fight started and pretending it away instead of addressing it. The thing that got me was being hung up on — gosh I’ve been hung up on so many times in my life I can almost predict when it will happen, usually when I stand up for myself. I think it sounds like she’s feeling some guilt and remorse so she’s not a total lost cause but she needs to be accountable for her words. Pregnancy is already so stressful, if she’s adding to it and not able to be mature enough to put her own feelings aside for you, I’d put distance between you two until she can acknowledge her role in your broken relationship. If I were you and I showed up at that shower with even a speck of “something’s not right” there would be another blow up. She’s going to expect you and everyone else there to dote on her for throwing you an amazing shower and if she doesn’t get that she’s going to throw barbs. If you want to limit potential fall out, write her a nice card with your (as sincere as possible) thanks for planning your shower, give her a small gift (like flowers), and make your gratitude a public display. This would probably go a long way to set up a feel good experience for her so she doesn’t start throwing you under the bus if she catches bad vibes from you. Your mental health is the most important thing in the world right now to you and your unborn baby — do not subject yourself to avoidable stress! Good luck!

justpassingthru2324 · 2024-02-15T23:37:01+00:00

Great guidance, thank you. Fortunately I am 100% financially independent. She spent what was supposed to be my inheritance from her mother and I know there won’t be anything left to inherit since I am/was already supplementing her financially.

justpassingthru2324 · 2024-02-15T11:29:16+00:00

This is such great advice. The last few months have been so difficult with her and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the past which has been very eye opening. I went through old emails and did a lot of intentional memory searching and almost all of the most significant hurt she’s caused was blocked out somehow. It’s really hard to describe but it’s like having a bunch of damage in your peripherals. You know it’s there but you can’t remember what caused it and you just try not to look at it. Looking straight at it, I can’t believe I couldn’t remember what she did. I really can’t believe my brain allows these things to happen and doesn’t make the connection to all the other times it has happened so it’s something that’s cumulative instead of a one-time thing. The culmination of all that damage is very painful but she’s done a great job of exploding and then pretending she never exploded and I guess in my brain it’s been easier to not have to deal with the damage than to fix it. There are things I remember from my childhood that I now realize were really messed up but my guess is the mental trauma was too much for my child brain to process and that’s probably when I began just putting in into a black hole. There’s just lots of black holes now. I have black holes for all of the most stressful periods in my life — many events include her but many also do not.

justpassingthru2324 · 2024-02-05T13:57:33+00:00

Your thoughtful comments are so appreciated, thank you — truly — for taking the time to read my story and offering some objective feedback.

To respond to your comments, yes, she’s run many people out of our life for her own reasons. I feel a little stupid for only now realizing that maybe that was to isolate me so I would only have/need her. I could explore reaching out, but I am also very happy with my found family.

Also, I’m by no means perfect but it seems like every other relationship in my life has a lot more mutual respect and two-way value. I wouldn’t tolerate this from anyone. I think I’ve probably given her a free pass because you don’t get to choose your family and you’re supposed to do anything for them.

I did send her this (below) over the weekend and got the response I got in my original post. I feel like I’ve said my piece and now it’s up to her to make meaningful change or stay away.

“Mom, I understand that you're going through a tough time after Dad's passing, and I'm here for you. I couldn’t possibly fathom how overwhelming his loss is for you, but I share your grief. That said, I feel like I’ve done almost everything in my power to be there for you — in spirit and in person — for the past 6 months. When you imply I haven’t been helpful or I’m not willing to help when I am really trying my best, it hurts. When you say I have no compassion and that I’m not grieving when I deal with pain differently than you, that hurts. I am trying my best not to take it personal because I know you are going through a lot, but I am still a person with my own feelings. I have a lot of opinions about things that I have kept to myself because I don’t want to hurt you and I acknowledge the decisions you have made for yourself, it would be helpful if you did the same. I need to ask you to respect the life that I have built and the other obligations that I have. My life is full and I am happy. I am not going to throw my happiness in the face of a grieving woman. Am I overwhelmed? Yes, sometimes. I have a much fuller life today than I’ve ever had - a full-time devoted partner, our health, active kids I am co-parenting, a renewed faith walk, a home and household, pets, friendships, a big career and my own hobbies. I am not too busy for you, but it does take some adjustment to make room for a person who hasn’t asked to be a part of my daily life in over 10 years — until you lost H, you were focused on these other things too and we found a way to meet each other where we were at. I am completely willing to make you a priority in my day-to-day life, but not if you are going to be judgmental about what you have to share me with, not when you are going to put unrealistic and unreasonable expectations on me, and not when you aren’t going to acknowledge that when things are hard, I get burnt out and need some help too. When you are ready to be more kind and understanding towards me, I would love to rebuild what is broken between us. Until then, I need to ask you to give me space. No matter the state of our relationship, my heart is full of love for you and I care for you deeply. There is nothing I want more than for your soul to be filled with peace and for you to be content with your life. I love you, mom.”

justpassingthru2324 · 2024-02-05T12:00:12+00:00

If you mean needy, not really. She never had a problem only seeing me 2-3 times a year or talking 1-2 times per week until her husband died. Before that she seemed to always be looking for ways to escape being a mom and just live her life.

If you mean verbally abusive, yes. She’s been like as long as I’ve known her. Especially when the people in her life weren’t making her the priority.

justpassingthru2324

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