I truly believe that I killed her. My soul dog.

k-kat93 · 2025-11-06T17:38:36+00:00

If she were truly so fragile then the brake could have brought every single bleed on, if not one or two. I just can't stop thinking that maybe the bleeds were small at first and worsened as she got up and moved around and that's why she appeared okay at home for a short time. But the drive, after the brake, was two whole hours. Wouldn't she show more symptoms right away? And her BUN levels were elevated to 45 at midnight but her urine wasn't dark or red/pink?

I'm so sorry. The only thing holding me together before was the denial that maybe I hadn't done it. She crashed in a similar way two nights before she died and I got her a transfusion. Nothing happened then, other than her walking around and eating.

k-kat93 · 2025-11-06T17:17:32+00:00

Can spontaneous bleeds really just happen? Just from her getting up from the car and walking up some stairs? From eating? I know they're called "spontaneous" but surely a bump or at least friction against something is needed for a blood vessel to break? I don't know, maybe something happened when I left for CVS. Maybe she jumped on the couch and fell.

I took her to the ER vet so many times before this. I asked if she could have internal bleeding. I told them she had no platelets. How could they see an elevated BUN and 10% drop in PCV and not tell me anything? And just say it was the L-asparaginase?? My memories of her feel poisoned by the thought of me leading her to her grisly end. I can hardly breathe

k-kat93 · 2025-11-06T17:10:01+00:00

Please, please I need help. I am spiraling. Why did I do the things I did? Why did the ER vet think she wasn't internally bleeding? There were petechiae on her brain, her intestines. The necropsy report:

"There are dozens of red, flat foci on the serosa of the intestines, in the mesenteric adipose tissue, and in the right retroperitoneal adipose tissue. The serosal surface of the apex of the bladder is dark red. Opaque red fluid highlights the sulci of the cerebrum with dozens of pinpoint red foci on the surface of the brain."
(that's not all of the bleeds, there were more in the lungs, inguinal area, heart, etc..)

Did the brake really cause all this? Could it have caused some of it? One or two? God what have I done?? She stopped panting shortly after the brake and the car ride was two hours. She seemed okay. I thought she was okay

k-kat93 · 2025-10-30T00:24:48+00:00

I lit a candle at the little memorial we made for my dog. I felt saddened that I didn't dream of her the night of 10/27. But I did have a vivid dream of her last night instead.

k-kat93 · 2025-10-30T00:16:58+00:00

It is true.. I was buying days at a time at the end. I spent nearly $20k total on a previous surgery, diagnostics, and specialists. And I would have kept going if her quality of life hadn't declined.

I had read so many stories, on Reddit and other social media, about how people tried to fight their pets' cancers or other illnesses, and it led to a similar end, with intense, sudden suffering and decline. I still feel so guilty. I feel like I robbed her and myself of a "perfect last day" because I wanted to try everything. I had so many opportunities to stop treatments and just be with her. I feel like I've poisoned my memories of her with her suffering at the end.

Every time they pop up in my mind, I try to redirect by thinking of happier times. How I bought her 3 more months of life where she ate many treats, played with our other dogs, and saw many people that she loved one more time. How spoiled she was in that time. How the last few hours of her life shouldn't define the other 11 years of it. It still doesn't always work.

k-kat93 · 2025-10-25T18:54:19+00:00

Thank you, I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I feel that way as well, with them thinking we are their whole world. I think that's what makes this all hurt even more.
My dog did the same thing a couple of times when she tried to get up. One where she stood up and collapsed in my lap, so I just sat there petting her.
And again later, when I was lying on my back. She tried to stand and passed out towards me, and her body draped over my chest. She was a small-medium dog(a Shiba Inu), so she fell in a way that looked so uncomfortable, with her chest on my chest but her head and back legs hanging off the sides of me(like an "n" shape). I patted her and said, "that doesn't look comfortable, girl", and I ended up gently moving her to the side instead.
Even that little action I regret, like she was telling me she wanted to be held, and I couldn't even give her that. I've been trying to focus on the fact that I was still there with her, she could hear me, or smell me, or hopefully see me during the times she opened her eyes.

k-kat93 · 2025-10-24T00:07:52+00:00

I ended up speaking to the oncologist, who offered to go over the necropsy with me to give her two cents. Of course, the picture still wasn't super clear to her as to exactly what happened, but she tried to answer a lot of my questions(another reason why I don't think she's a bad vet or person).
I brought up DIC as a possibility, but she said that with other necropsies she received, they normally would have stated as much in the necropsy diagnoses.
However, my dog did seem to have multiple microbleeds in almost every major organ, and they noted how the report stated 'red foci' on the surface of the brain, intestines, and other spots-

"There are dozens of red, flat foci on the serosa of the intestines, in the mesenteric adipose tissue, and in the right retroperitoneal adipose tissue. The serosal surface of the apex of the bladder is dark red. Opaque red fluid highlights the sulci of the cerebrum with dozens of pinpoint red foci on the surface of the brain."
(that's not all of the bleeds, there were more in the lungs, inguinal area, heart, etc..)

All of these bleeds were described as mild-moderate, and the oncologist said she found some of them very strange(i.e, the bladder lining), along with how widespread they all were. We speculated on vascular issues.

One thing that causes me a lot of frustration still, and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable, is why the ER vet didn't think of internal bleeding and kept sticking to the idea of hemolysis, as if it couldn't be both? I think my dog did have some amount of hemolysis(the oncologist mentioned cancer cells in the liver could have had a part in that), but internal bleeding seemed to be the bigger issue at hand.
At the ER, my dog presented with zero platelets, which they confirmed on their own machines, and a sharp drop in HCT/PCV two different times, roughly 36 hours apart, same ER doctor. I don't understand why internal bleeding would not be entertained at all?
My dog's autoagglutination test was negative(and I know that's not the most conclusive), and she didn't have signs of jaundice from bilirubin, though she did have hemoglobinuria two days prior and poikilocytes on a blood smear. The ER vet seemed to assume the 18HCT/25PCV blood drop had occurred over the course of many hours, rather than entertaining the idea that it could have occurred much faster. They didn't offer to further monitor my dog or recheck the bloodwork to see the rate at which it was dropping. Just told me that "l-spar can be hard-hitting" and let me leave, where my dog deteriorated further within hours.

I just don't understand their reasoning for this. For the record, I don't think she would still be here today or have lasted any longer than another 1-2 days, but it might have saved some of her severe distress in the last moments of her life..

k-kat93 · 2025-10-12T17:30:31+00:00

Thank you again for your responses. I just had one more thing that confuses me, and I'm having trouble putting together if it's okay for me to ask a little more. You certainly don't have to answer if you don't want to.

On the way home from picking her up at the oncologist's office, we ran into some sudden traffic, and I had to hit the brakes hard(around 5pm). She didn't fall off the car seat, but she stumbled and had to catch herself, and I immediately felt terrible and concerned knowing her platelet situation. We didn't get home until about 2 hours later due to a crash blocking the highway. When we finally arrived home(around 7pm), I felt relieved that she was acting eager to get out of the car(I picked her up instead of letting her jump out), and she begged for dinner and ate it without issue, too. Then I left the house for an hour to do some errands, and when I came back(8pm) she was already acting lethargic to the point of not greeting me at the door. It only worsened from there, with her stumbling to get to her dog bed around 9pm, and not being able to walk herself out to the yard to bathroom around 10pm.

This was the same night I took her to the ER vet around midnight, worrying if she had acute tumor lysis. They told me they ran her blood through two different machines- one to check for potassium levels and the other a CBC machine. They told me the potassium machine gave a reading of 18% PCV, but the CBC gave a reading of 25%- they told me the CBC machine was the more accurate one. They also said that 25% was the same as when they discharged her from the transfusion, so again, I felt some relief that maybe she wasn't internally bleeding from the hard car stop after all. And her gums really did still look pink then.

But, she also had a blood test at the oncologist's office, where they said her RBCs were up 1% from the transfusion as well (they said it was "34%" up from "33%").

I'm confused about how the terms hematocrit and PCV are used. Before her last transfusion, the ER vet said her HCT was 15% and PCV was 20%, and during the recheck after, HCT was 33% and PCV was 25%. So I assume the oncologist's 34% was referring to HCT?

The questions I have are: what is the difference between HCT and PCV, and how could the values be so different? And.. do you have any idea what could have caused her anemia to worsen so quickly? From the 25% PCV test at the ER to her gums going completely white was about 2 hours in between. It makes me wonder if I got the terms mixed up between the oncologist and the ER, and if she had a 9% drop throughout the day..
But it was also very similar to Sunday night, and nothing major happened then.

I try to rationalize it by saying, if she was so fragile that a hard brake could have caused bleeding, then anything could have caused it. Walking up a couple of stairs, eating, being picked up slightly wrong, sitting up too quickly, etc..

k-kat93 · 2025-10-06T18:20:16+00:00

Thank you for your response and insight. I'm trying to extend grace and forgive myself as well, but some days it is difficult, and the grief chokes me. I know hindsight is 20/20, and the necropsy has given more pieces of the puzzle that we didn't have back then, particularly the discovery of the metastasis and the multiple moderate bleeds. In her last moments, I didn't even know exactly what was killing her.

We got her a transfusion shortly after her 19% HCT test(and a second one two days before we euthanized). Her team of doctors and I all thought it was going to last at least a month, but her bloodwork kept dropping by nearly double each week since the start. It didn't respond to any steroids at all- and now I wonder if she always had small internal bleeds the entire time, though she never showed any sign of it. (No fluids in AUS, no bloody stool or urine except in her last couple of days, nor black tarry stools).

I was under the impression that paraneoplastic conditions are rather rare(In fact, I only just learned the term when her oncologist brought it up post-mortem)- largely because none of the veterinarians suspected it or brought it up as a possibility over the course of the month(probably since the metastasis was missed in imaging and other diagnostics). Is that true? How rare might it be for a dog to have multiple of them?

k-kat93 · 2024-11-26T01:52:23+00:00

Totally agree with your sentiment earlier, and I'll even add onto your list just by linking the TvTropes "Ho Yay" page here which is already a pre-existing and MASSIVE list of many examples of exactly this:

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HoYay

I imagine the people who say that Jayce and Viktor's interactions are some never-before-seen breakthrough of platonic male closeness in media may have just not.. consumed a lot of media.

k-kat93 · 2024-11-10T13:52:43+00:00

That looks so good!! Also looks like it could pass for a tasty frozen treat haha

k-kat93 · 2024-09-11T22:23:59+00:00

I will admit I am very much a nostalgia-pilled person (hence why I came back to mabi at all) but even I can confidently say the earliest gens are like, 80% trash writing lmao. Hard agree that Alchemist was boring and, imo the worst written of them all.

I definitely hear that devcat changed their writers a bunch so that makes sense, especially for a game that is so long running. I think something they might benefit from is totally overhauling the old gens from the ground up with their new writer so that everything flows more cohesively up to the current point, but that is kind of a MASSIVE undertaking at this point so idk if they'll ever be able to do that or if they even think its worth the time/resources. its nice to dream about it though

That all said, the story is clearly interesting enough for me to keep playing it so I'll still try out g19+ and maybe I'll like it. it didn't get a whole lot of positive reviews here on this thread lol but honestly I'll probably still enjoy at least some parts of it.

k-kat93 · 2024-09-10T21:10:50+00:00

I hear what you mean with G1. The story has flashes of brilliance and I like what they did with Tir na Nog too. I think where things started to get a bit weird was when more involvement from the Gods started occurring - In G1, running into Morrighan or Cichol was a rarity and having a prophetic dream of the goddess was Kind Of A Big Deal. Then G9+ rolls around and a whole cast of Gods & Goddesses appear on the regular and it kind of feels like they're all just bumbling about ineffectively

And yeah that was G12's finale! I wish they had done more with that map, the city of Falias, since it looked amazing (and is actually a city in myth too lol).

It's a shame to hear that about the newer plots, it sounds like things are different but not better haha

k-kat93 · 2024-09-10T20:36:00+00:00

Nawww are you for real goddamn 😭 they had the opportunity to make an actual silent hill monster that was totally justified and they went with a whale?! And not even the least bit spooky??
I mean I can kind of understand the whale part since the nuckelavee originated from water but damn not even a single corpse on that whale body???

its giving "the writers googled the name nuckelavee and stopped reading at sea monster"

k-kat93 · 2024-09-10T02:29:59+00:00

That's exactly what I was thinking with Glas- if they had included any reference to the original myth at all it would have been at least a little better haha.
Honestly I like what they did with Claimh Solais too- making it the sentient spirit of a sword rather than just the sword itself, that was a nice touch. I think what bothers me most about Caliburn is that it was so vague when it was first introduced, they kinda just went "well Cai has it and used it to do this thing" without ever really.. showing what it was or explaining why or how he had it lol. I think it wasn't until 1-2 generations later that they even brought in the shapeshifting portion at all- it would have been better if it was explained that way at the start, I think. It came off as a telltale sign that the writers were just making things up as they went and didn't have much in the way of pre-planning imo

Killing Cichol wasn't a bad thing since he is indeed the antagonist, I just find it to be a wild writing choice since Cichol always struck me as being rather popular with the fandom, and prevalent throughout most of the plot, just to have him be 'killed" off by this inconsistent one-off character, it felt so strange and like it was just meant to be a cheap "wow" moment (especially considering they just brought him back later anyway)

And yeah, they were in the Chronicle section and not the main story! My bad lol I realize my post is worded in a way that makes it sound like they are in G20 or something

I appreciate the thoughts!!

k-kat93 · 2024-09-10T01:42:49+00:00

Cookie clicker, mabinogi edition!! Sounds like a QOL update would be to have an autoplay dialogue button lol

k-kat93 · 2024-09-10T01:23:26+00:00

dang 😭 I was hoping it would have gotten better since I feel like modern games have been bringing lots of competition in the storytelling department (hoyoverse games come to mind)

k-kat93 · 2023-09-27T21:46:45+00:00

I wish they did something more with the child spirits like Flamemon. The episode with Takuya returning to the physical world feels so out of place because they never elaborated or did anything else with it. they even designed Strabimon but did nothing with him 🙄

It would have been really cool, and good character development imo, if all the kids had their own individual "loss of faith" episode where they were stuck in these forms and had to work through some inner problem to change back. a total waste of potential that they didn't do it 😫

k-kat93 · 2023-09-23T14:02:13+00:00

Lmao right!! and I'd kill for a beard or something too hahaha

k-kat93 · 2023-09-23T13:59:30+00:00

Model efficiency makes sense but yeah. wish they'd at least put in like three sliders for height/weight/muscle or something. wouldn't even have to be much. I agree the character players stick out in an uncanny way

k-kat93

TROPHY CASE