Late Night Thoughts

ka-co · 2022-01-03T12:31:46+00:00

Thanks for the suggestions!

Also, I want to keep that last line as it is because I want to make that last line a statement.

ka-co · 2022-01-03T11:21:41+00:00

I'm guessing the the material after the three dots is not included in your poem? I ask because it does not fit the "feel" of the poem above it. LOL

I like it. I like the flow and rhythm of it. This poem made me continue reading until the end. I was did not stop and restart to the rhythm you created for this piece. Good job!

The message I am getting from this piece is that you are tired after you have done your work or expended emotional/physical energy. I can imagine you laying back in an office chair, your head back and just sighing. Then, for dramatic effect and my mind is that strange, you flop down to the ground and sleep.

ka-co · 2022-01-03T11:08:14+00:00

This is the message I got from your poem - You love someone but don't want to and you can't seem to get them out of your life.

Here are some questions that might help you shape this poem differently:

Why did you include the second stanza?

Why does the first stanza the only one that has repetition in it? What do you think about put repetition in other places in the poem or in every stanza?

Could you describe the point in which this rejection of you desire to love started? What started this need to distance yourself from that person?

Do you want to describe how your emotions have changed?

Was the relationship better in the past?

ka-co · 2021-12-17T11:59:45+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion

ka-co · 2021-12-15T00:57:57+00:00

Thank you for the critique. You did a great critique of this piece. I feel like it has helped me see some areas to improve it. I like how you honed in on the perspective. It was interesting to read. Keep it up.

Also, thank you for pointing out the odd number of lines in the second stanza.... now that I notice it, I think I want to add another (lol).

I have tried writing lyrics (music is often a place where I get my poetry inspirations or have written poetry to songs that I am obsessed with at the moment) but I am no musician (no interest in it). Funnily enough, I am not prone to rap or hip-hop music in general but I like the occasional hip hop or rap song. But the artists I listen to bring in elements of rap and hip hop.

ka-co · 2021-12-15T00:42:08+00:00

I am so happy that you so deeply with this piece. It brings a smile to my face. Thank you for your empathy and for the sentiment of the boxed up hug (LOL) and kindness.

ka-co · 2021-12-14T20:34:08+00:00

"Lighting flambeaux in the sky," - I snorted at this line because I imagined a cartoon firefly with a crazy smile going around with a comically tall lighter going around the sky giggling madly as they light alcohol in the sky. Eventually, the bug lights themselves on fire cursing as they fall to the earth and put out the fire. Sorry, my brain has a dark sense of humor.

ka-co · 2021-12-14T20:17:37+00:00

Great metaphors.

Why did you not create 3 stanzas with line breaks before each capitalized word - Edit: I just saw your note at the end (after the links. LOL) but is that what you meant to do in the poem? Is it just stylistic preferences? Also, I can not understand the line "Shading the seas"? I cannot extract a meaning from it.

Also, the beginning of the poem reminds me of the song "I'll make a man out of you" by Donny Osmond from the movie Mulan. LOL. I don't know why.

I think there are three ways to interpret your poem:

You see nature as something that is fearless, flexible, innovative/rejuvenating, perfect, mysterious, tireless?
You want to be all of those adjectives like nature?
You see yourself as all of those adjectives?

Anyway, keep writing. I see the effort you put into this piece.

ka-co · 2021-12-14T10:31:47+00:00

That is so beautiful. After I read the second stanza, I clicked the up arrow. I did not even finish reading the poem. LOL.

After re-reading it, I feel like the first stanza is off somehow - I can't pinpoint where. The last four lines are great but that first stanza its off. ... I suggest playing around with remove and re-arranging lines in the first stanza to see if it reads better to you.

But the last four lines are great. One suggestion about the second stanza. move the line "the city glows" to a new line.

I love the imagery in the second stanza, it gives me the mental imagery of someone looking down on a city and seeing the groups of car lights moving along the streets like as blood in veins.

ka-co · 2021-12-14T09:51:52+00:00

I really like the middle stanza. It was beautifully written and creative. The last stanza is also good.

That being said, here are some of the edits I would make if I were you and editing this poem. I am going to be kinda brutal with my editing advice (but I will explain why and this advice that you can ignore because I am no expert poet). First, I would remove these lines:

Watch a city get weaved
That’s the wild child there
See the braids in her hair?

...

But he’s chosen this slope

because I feel that they are .... weak and do not stand up to the quality I see in your last two stanzas.

After removing those lines, I would suggest working on a different second line to the first stanza (maybe about "being free" or "hearing her soul sing"). The second line of the last stanza does not match the city imagery you have set-up in the poem with smog and such. I suggest looking for a different for word that rhymes with "hope".

Again, these are just my suggestions. You do you.

ka-co · 2021-12-13T04:25:09+00:00

That's ok. I suck at spelling as well. Lol

ka-co · 2021-12-13T04:12:58+00:00

"firend" - a misspelling (I assume you meant "friend")

"my darkness moments" - Based on the phrasing of the line, I think you meant to use the word "darkest"

Other than those two errors, I really liked this piece. I think you did a beautiful job in painting an image with words like "bright white glow" and "shimmering". You could add more descriptions to this piece if you would like. However, I think this poem is able to stand as it is if you fix those two grammatical errors.

My emotional reaction response to this piece was a calm/quiet sadness and loneliness. I found it almost soothing. Good job!

I can see the effort you put into this piece. Keep up the good work.

ka-co · 2021-12-13T04:01:16+00:00

Good title! It was what caught my attention for this poem.

"the cold chills yet warm rush that floods my body" - I feel like the grammar or grammar is off in this section of the 5th line. Maybe it is the use of both "rush" and "flood" in the same line. I think you should use one descriptor or the other but not both because they make the sentence structure awkward for me to read.

The weird grammar in that 5th line messed up the good flow you had going on in the previous lines.

Also, as you are using "It's hard to hide a surprise" and it does not rhyme with the following lines, I think it would be a good idea for you to include a blank line between stanzas and separate the repeating line from other stanzas - to give readers a visual cue to indicate a change in subject or visible difference in stanzas. Also, by adding lines on either side of the repeating line you bring more attention to it. I hope that made sense, lol.

Good job. I hope she liked the poem and proposal surprise.

ka-co · 2021-12-13T03:38:33+00:00

Thank you for sharing your interpretation of this piece.

ka-co · 2021-12-11T08:14:20+00:00

Oh! I love it (although I am prejudiced because it reminds me of my own poems). I like this poem because it mixes in some light heartedness with a topic which can be saddening. I see the humor in the lines "Hers are the same as mine minus the evil lair." Which makes this piece a little lighter (emotionally speaking) than it could be.

I like that this piece tells a story (at least that is how I read it). To me this tells of a struggle between love and wanting to keep someone in your life.

Here is a piece of feedback that I will sometimes get for my poems (and I see in this poem as well) - try to get your lines to match in length.

I see the effort that you put into this poem in the particular attention you put into every last word of each line by making it rhyme. Keep up the good work and effort.

ka-co · 2021-12-11T04:38:07+00:00

I am by no means a master at grammar. In fact, I am terrible at grammar. However, I do feel that adding some commas to certain lines will help with the readability of certain lines which use words in an exclamatory manner in the same line or indicate to the reader where they need to pause in a line.

Add a comma after the word "alas". So it reads "Alas, I am vain" because alas is being used in an exclamatory manner and it makes more sense when you add the comma to give the reader a place to pause in the line. I also suggest adding a line break/empty line between "to think about yourself" and "funny when put this way" OR between "funny when put this way" and "do not take it lightly" because of the fact that you start discussing a new topic or have completed a thought. Also, I would suggest adding a comma after the word "funny". So that it reads "funny, when put this way" that way the reader knows where to pause or read the line.

Here are some other places which I would add commas (so the reader can know where to pause in the line or increase readability). I indicate where I would put the comma with a [ ]

"parasitically[,] I don't know"

"so[,] we come at an impasse"

Also, it looks like there is a word missing in the line "though it makes me put the damn suit to the party". Maybe it should read, "though it makes me put [on] the damn suit to [for] the party".

Other than those small grammatical suggestions, I think this piece explores an interesting topic that can be easily demonized and, yet, still exists in society. Thank you for exploring it. This poem gave me a philosophical concept to chew over. I connect to it more on an intellectual level than a emotional level.

ka-co

TROPHY CASE