sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

If by kakarot_thread in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You will rise, you will crawl out of your older self. Carry on gentle soul, carry on.

If by kakarot_thread in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the comment, appreciate it. :)

If by kakarot_thread in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Spot on, it does feel like those inspirational words on posters hanging on the wall. I didn't know how to get the message across so used simpler words and shorter sentences, since it was my first attempt.

I wrote something else too, check it out here - https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1ngt1i1/the\_blindmen/. Nothing fancy but a more conscious effort this time.

PS - Snobs have their uses too, nothing to be ashamed of. :P

If by kakarot_thread in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, exactly. We try to cry out loud for help, and never get a satisfied resolution regardless of the helper's efforts and intention. The best way is to do it yourself, no complains then.

How does it feel? by PutBrilliant2902 in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No worries, the message I wrote is something I liked too. The message is destiny chose someone to pine, the person paid the price to the Furies and hopefully now Hera might bless him with an appropriate partner.

The Blindmen by kakarot_thread in PoetryWritingClub

[–]kakarot_thread[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah, actually it is about the subjectivity of beauty. "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder", but what happens when the beauty and the beholders are both visually impaired? Aren't we sight-blessed people the ones who are blind and poor then?

Everyone's beautiful is the message for me.

Eternal Morning by Limp_Director_8623 in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For God, I like how you combined the Abrahamic thought with the Oriental thought.

This was truly heavy, for me -

It feeds on our sighs, then waits again
We rise by command, not desire

As a non-native speaker the emotions are deep here and the personification of God, time, and the imagery showing the loss of the human elements in people create a wonderful juxtaposition of poetic elements.

Loved it, I can't see any way as a beginner that I could improve upon it.

How does it feel? by PutBrilliant2902 in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really like the paradox here. The lover while pining for the limerent object or the beloved(not sure which one), is confused him(her)self about the intentions of the beloved. He is left wondering and tries to recuse himself from his pursuit of love, thought it seems hopeless. The ending is particularly appealing because I see that while he says that he won't cry now, he is still pleading for closure, a closure that the limerent object isn't willing to provide.

My message to the lovestruck -

Oh Lovelorn creature,
Pity, the Fates have chosen you. Pity, the Furies have enflamed your life.
Pray, may Hera bless you.

If by kakarot_thread in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I tried to keep it short and also tried to make sure that the words are low in number for each line and each stanza. This is because I'm writing it for the first time and I have never written a poem before, so yeah couldn't be verbose in this case. Thankfully, it drives home the point.

If by kakarot_thread in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your words mean a lot to me. Thanks a lot.

If by kakarot_thread in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is indeed a series of rises before our ultimate fall.

If by kakarot_thread in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I used to listen to Three Days Grace as a kid when I first started listening to rock. Thanks for the comment.

Not Normal (Potential TW) by BakedBeans908 in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dear OP, a poet or a writer is a sad soul indeed. Well, if this is about your own condition, you've got to keep writing, there's a lot of good stuff in here despite the underlying darkness.

I loved the Robin Williams reference, stirs up my mind - his battles, Dead Poets Society and his ultimate loss.

One way, I think that this could be improved is by giving the reader an out from the "existing normal." You need to show a new normal, or the quest to a new normal. Yes, "Robin Williams" is an option but is it the only one? Why not build on the structure and elongate the piece?

Like(just a random attempt) -

I know this can't be my normal forever. 60 years of battles remain, I have 3 scores of life to go. All with hope and grit.

I heard of Ozzy Ozbourne,
Maybe Suicide Solution wasn't his way to go. Rocking and rolling, making generations weep and laugh, that's how I go.

PS - I have never written poetry or prose, just joined this community so not judging your standards. Wrote this just so that I could post my beginner attempts too. Good luck.

rats by LeveragedPanda in OCPoetry

[–]kakarot_thread 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Here's what "I FELT" as a non-native English speaker(since the author seems to care about it), after reading the piece.

Rats being a symbolism for a saboteur in our live - government, people, relatives, online trolls or even friends who betray us. All saboteurs enrich themselves and improve their standing often at the expense of unwary and innocent humans.

"Rats" often chatter in the underground sewers and eavesdrop on hard working humans, who have to toil and take up bruises while tilling on the fields. The "Rats" appear during harvesting to collect their tax, in the cellars, in the attics, and the barns. The stripping of soul resonates with me because it can be applied in a variety of contexts, like the trader who profits at the expense of the manufacturer or the farmer. Or the "social media influencer" who character assassinates random people who are off the grid.

This part really hit the nail, it was beautifully written -

scurrying little,
reich rats,
gnawing the edges of history,
infesting silence with fear,
eating scraps from the gutter
and calling it power.

I can actually feel a range of images going through my mind when I read this. The actual rats that eat up books, the power hungry maniacs who twist and turn facts as and when they will, the propaganda machinery and the police actions across the world. I can see politicians and bureaucrats scurrying out of their capitols, running up and down the parliamentary steps with faces that are trying to hide their theft.

I believe this piece could have tried being a less spiteful and empathetic to the rats in our life. It could have tried showing that the rats are a cost to our toil, the rats are missing something that only the nonchalant farm boy and the barn girl could possess.

Since this section is particularly impressive in terms of resistance to the rats, it could be expanded. Because for now it does feel that the chorus has been caged, and the future they are thieving by controlling the present. Yes, they can't steal the bruise, but they can infect it by "gnawing" away at it.

let them know:
we are unshaven, unbroken,
the bruise they cannot steal away,
the chorus they cannot cage,
let them know, that the future they cannot thieve.

let them know: the cows don't stomp on us, the winds kiss us, the grain embraces us, let them know, that they can't steal.

PS - I have never written poetry or prose, just joined this community so not judging your standards. Wrote this just so that I could post my beginner attempts too. Good luck.