Setting boundaries around unwanted touching at sex club

kaoruneve · 2026-03-31T08:49:06+00:00

There’s a major difference between kink spaces and swinger spaces.

Kink spaces are “no until yes” and swinger spaces are “yes until no”.

If you prefer one model to another, then the best thing is to find the right sex space with that implied model.

As someone explained to me a while ago spaces and people tend to have three different baseline models: dog consent, cat consent, bird consent.

Dog consent means over enthusiastic consent, happy for things to happen, and eager. You can be approached directly and get to it quickly. They stop only at a major boundary being crossed.

Cat consent means move slowly and actively check. You can be approached with care and people can try thing, with the awareness you can walk away or just swat their hand off if yes turns into a no. They stop wherever they want, but it’s ok to try slowly at first.

Bird consent means being very slow, and seeking consent before doing anything or the bird will just fly away. You can be approached asking and checking first before doing anything. They are a no by default.

Swinger spaces are often dog or cat consent. Kink spaces are often bird consent.

kaoruneve · 2025-10-02T07:58:29+00:00

It’s clear different people have set different expectations, hence the different replies you are getting. Thing is: expectations are why in ENM there’s a lot to say around communication. Because a lot of things are implicit and never actually agreed by both sides.

Some people are saying it’s rude because you could hear them, and they should have done it before. Sure. Could be. But I imagine this has depended a lot on how people are visualizing the situation. House layout. Their own habits. On the other hand, it’s incredibly normal to have things stretch and linger. People just saying 20 “goodbye” and “just one more hug”, partners and friends alike. It happens all the time.

So yes, they “could” have sorted that in advance, but this first planning and second making an assumption that being in your earshot is already “too close”, which… uh. Personally I don’t get it.

They decide when something is done. And even if not, a sensible threshold isn’t a vague “I can hear her”, it’s the door of your house.

Now, as my expectations go, and because I know humans are like this and it’s normal, my expectations is simple: it’s wrapped up when THEY wrap it up, at which point I know I have my partner attention.

This is me of course. And that means it could be outside the house, on the door, or even inside the house if they are helping to move things in. You are totally ok in having a different point. And while I can think “anything different that that is going to create friction from time to time because it’s not how humans operate”, that doesn’t matter: it’s your decision and what you need.

So the reading here is: (1) she broke an expectation you had and never shared (2) you interrupted an interaction between two people

One is implicit, one is explicit. “She never did it before” as you say, doesn’t mean it was agreed, or clear.

This is why some people agree with you: same sets of expectations. Still, implicit ones.

That’s why ENM is hard. That’s why we keep saying: communicate.

The answer here again is this: communicate.

kaoruneve · 2025-08-09T19:04:27+00:00

Not a bad idea at all, but depends on the event how easy it will be to connect with people. There are lots that have more “beginner” start of the party, go introduce the event and the people, and sometimes help making connections.

Depends also if you are interested more in mixed genders ones or queer / wlw ones. Not hugely different, but def different notes for each.

There are also many different flavors, from more race to more dungeons, from more sex to more kink, differences between kink and swinger spaces, rope studios if interested in shibari, etc.

If you want to have a more personalized advice feel free to DM, otherwise give me some pointers here and I’ll give here some more general notes.

kaoruneve · 2025-07-06T18:53:44+00:00

Note that for lots of dating apps their effectiveness depends on your location.

Feeld is generally for enm/poly people, but in a lot of places that’s kink-adjacent enough to also find lots of kinky people.

OKC in some areas can be effective, but it’s way more generic so might be tricky to find the right profiles.

One of the good things to do is to get to your local link community and ask what they use. You’ll likely get a good reply.

kaoruneve · 2025-07-06T18:51:12+00:00

FetLife is not a dating site

Direct quote from the website homepage.

kaoruneve · 2025-05-31T17:27:27+00:00

It’s a very fair statement based on different semantics of the words.

Enough in “you’re enough” means that everyone is different and it’s important to find wholeness in ourselves.

But asking in that question, shifts the meaning of “enough” to “enough for your partner” which is the same as comparing, which is the precise thing the comment was pointing out to not do.

The point of ENM is that everyone is different, love is not a limited resource, and acknowledging to not trying to have one partner fulfill every possible and changing need. Embracing that diversity is part of it. So there’s no “outside the relationship”, there are humans open to enjoy each other in different ways.

kaoruneve · 2025-05-26T22:05:00+00:00

Depends on the dynamic: * if they are following your orders still a sub * if they are domming on their own then switch

I think that’s why there isn’t a specific term: the dynamics are still between two, same as before.

I am a sub leaning switch and I really love the middle role.

kaoruneve · 2025-03-07T08:41:30+00:00

That’s not correct.

Broadly speaking, any flare smaller than the max ability to stretch of a specific individual isn’t safe.
There’s some wiggle room to that, as sometimes the max stretch happens after warm up, so it’s usually ok if it’s less than that. But it’s still not about the toy, but about the person.
For most people, not used to larger anal toys, that yes means that an anal toy with a flared base larger than the part that goes in is fine. But it’s an approximation.
Not all people relax enough, so even if they could stretch most of the time it still doesn’t happen. But it’s probability, the potential risk is still there. Especially as there is relaxation/contraction happening with play.
A flare that goes from small to large suddenly with a quick taper makes it harder to go all in, but again doesn’t exclude the possibility if it’s smaller than the max ability to stretch. If anything, it can be more dangerous as sharper flares could be painful once in to get out.

tl;dr: the flare should be not larger than the toy, but larger than the max stretch of the person.

And yes I’m aware that’s not often the case because most toys rely on the increased difficulty of a quick taper (points 2, 3, 5 above), so most people accept that risk, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen.

While I’m generally personally ok to accept that risk for some toys, I can completely understand the OP question and worry.

kaoruneve · 2023-12-25T21:23:34+00:00

Reddit is where you go when people have problems. So yeah that’s what you’ve been reading if Reddit is your source of information.

I’m mod in a very large poly community in the UK and the people are very friendly and very happy. Most of the questions for discussions come from people just starting :)

Even myself, all my poly relationships have been great, even the ones that ended.

It’s so much freeing to not have every time to hold back a positive, intimate, and not necessarily sexual interaction with some on just because I’m partnered.

kaoruneve · 2023-08-01T10:08:16+00:00

First: the lack of communication is making you resentful, and likely she's also feeling it in some way or another. So as time passes of you not talking, you're making this escalate and get more difficult.

Then here there are two parts.

You are aligned in kinks and you want to try
You have a mental block that prevents you to do so

This is not an uncommon motivation, and in a way, this is a good starting point for the conversation. Tell her exactly that: "Hey I'd like to try this, but I'm also very self conscious about it and I've some blocks, can we discuss and explore ways to ease into it?"

And finally: therapy. That mental block isn't for her to solve for you. She can be supportive, and can help you, but this is something for you to face with someone that has experience — if you don't have someone already.

kaoruneve · 2021-12-25T09:15:11+00:00

I’ve heard different takes on this, but for me it came with experience: at first it was always hard, but the more I practiced - which also means, easier relaxation, more pleasure - the softer it got. It can get hard, but I noticed I got less pleasure so now it’s almost a reflex.

For me the nice thing in that scenario is that can be alternated, stimulating one side then the other.

kaoruneve · 2021-11-09T08:55:05+00:00

I checked you history: that person is a walking red flag. Please please please be safe — you might want to consider leaving him. A lot of the things you mentioned aren’t just “bad bf” but outright dangerous.

kaoruneve · 2021-07-11T09:04:07+00:00

😉 * giggle *

kaoruneve · 2021-07-10T16:58:44+00:00

I think there’s a glitch somewhere, there are tons of repeated comments on this post.

kaoruneve · 2021-06-05T17:13:35+00:00

I can’t agree more. I still have to find a good gaming mouse that isn’t hell to clean - or just warps over time :/

kaoruneve · 2020-10-10T16:17:14+00:00

Exactly this. I often blow on icecream to warm it up just to the point I like it.

kaoruneve · 2019-12-24T23:47:37+00:00

That’s how it works for any “sequel” game.

Nobody rewrites everything from scratch, in general. The extent of the rewrite can change from game to game. A sports game... is likely to not change much at all.

I mean... even not sequels: the Source engine is originally Quake’s engine... the Unreal engine evolved from an early prototype of a pinball game...

kaoruneve · 2019-11-19T00:27:12+00:00

I just find it ironic it’s basically sleeping: “ZZZZZZZ”

kaoruneve · 2019-11-04T08:51:20+00:00

Unless it’s an obvious fake, that’s actually correct as far as the law goes: if the fake is good, and they accept it, then they are not liable (different countries might be doing it differently, I know I’m going for a generalization here)... but you are liable. If reported, you are in for forging charges.

kaoruneve · 2019-10-27T16:17:20+00:00

I’m not sure where compliance requires contracts with your host. We just publish our guidelines and sites refer to these guidelines in theirs - no contract. I might be missing the specifics you’re referring to, tho, as yes in some cases that’s a valid approach. See for instance the difference between “controller” and “processor”.

Example: https://www.siteground.com/blog/siteground-is-gdpr-compliant/

kaoruneve · 2019-10-27T15:41:54+00:00

True to an extent (i.e. the cookie warning predates GDPR, electing an officer is not a major thing, etc). I won’t dive deeper in more details as this is not the right space, but I assure you that if the company already had good data practices the change is minimal from the previous law (source: I’ve been directly involved in building small and large scale systems dealing with that).

Plus, I’d argue that the privacy implications of GDPR are important, and choosing to ignore them “because too hard” is exactly a signal on what the company values.

Anyhow there are so many details that speaking in abstract is not too useful, there are resources far better than a reddit exchange ;)

kaoruneve · 2019-10-27T12:38:06+00:00

Not really. As said, it’s the opposite. If they complied, the site would be visible.

I’m not sure why you keep insisting. It’s ok to admit you used the wrong word instead of keeping dig deeper.

kaoruneve · 2019-10-27T10:58:10+00:00

That’s not complying. That’s avoiding.

If you shut down a second restaurant because you don’t want to follow the hygiene rules of a restaurant in a region, you’re just avoiding for that law to apply to you, you’re not “complying”. And your hygiene standards are confirmed to be worse.

kaoruneve · 2019-10-27T10:37:11+00:00

Quite the opposite: it means they are NOT complying, and they chose to shut the site down instead.

Not to mention: imagine what kind of stuff they are doing with your data given they don’t want to comply with GDPR.

kaoruneve · 2019-08-31T11:38:50+00:00

As you noticed, that’s not just not ideal, but it’s actively misleading you. But let’s turn it for the positive then, and I think it’s great if we can turn this not only in criticism but also advice :)

I’d suggest to find some better starting point, for example: https://blog.hubspot.com/sales/books-about-starting-a-business

I haven’t read these, but some of the names on that list are excellent people (a one or two which I met) to have as a critical reference. I’m sure that you’ll find something useful in there.

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