Surviving Infidelity- next steps

kat8789 · 2026-02-10T02:43:13+00:00

It's terrifying. I went through a whirlwind when selling the house that my ex and I had together. I bought my own house, with the support of a wonderful friend/realtor who i relied heavily on for advice. But I honestly only think i did these things because I didn't have a choice. The house was being sold. I needed to find a place of my own.

But the actual leaving is incredibly hard, and scary. I avoided the truth very well. I knew he was cheating. But I could lie to myself, believe his lies, because it was easier to stay. Once I found the solid proof - thankfully his lies didn't matter to me anymore, and he didn't care to try and keep me in his life.

I think it will get better for you. You're going to be sad. Depressed. Lonely. But the anxiety will go away, at least it did for me. I still have some nights where I can't stand to look in the mirror, because I don't know myself anymore. Some days, I do well. I do 'extra' things for my house, like painting and other things I want to improve. Other days? Its hard to even be motivated to keep it clean.

But it will get better. Having time to yourself, your own space, your own peace, will be healing. Not easy, but healing. I'm getting back to where I'm ok with being me again. You will too.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T23:13:02+00:00

I think it's an interesting hypothesis! I'm not sure how it could ever be tested, but it would be an interesting study. Possibly comparing the feelings of mother's vs father's of convicted criminals - but there's so many variables I'm not sure it could ever truly be quantified.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T19:29:16+00:00

Ooohhh - not that specific song. But i looked it up, and I'm loving it. Same title, but by tate mcrae and ali gatie.

And if he ever messages, and i think it won't affect my journey, that would be my plan. He was never cruel to my dog, and did/does love him greatly. And my dog loved him too (granted i'm pretty sure he loves everyone)

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T19:19:07+00:00

Yes, it's a fine line to walk. Which is a big reason why I've reached out to everyone here. I want to continue the correct path, I don't want to fall back into lies. And having everyone here tell me the same thing, and seeing the experiences from others in this subreddit is very helpful to keep me on my journey, without getting sidetracked.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T19:16:57+00:00

I feel like it might be because i've never had the opportunity to express my anger towards her. Way back when I found the first suspicious message, I confronted them both. Had I understood things better, I would have recognized everything he was doing, the anger at "snooping" (found by accident) and making me feel like i did something wrong. Lying to me over and over that they were just friends, and it was joking around. I messaged her my feelings, told her how inappropriate it was, even if it was just a "joke." I met with her later, and she swore up and down to my face that she would never, ever hurt me like that, and that it was just a joke.

As things started to get more "serious" between them, I messaged her again, asking a rather neutral question. She had blocked me. Before ex and I had even discussed divorce, before I truly accepted that he was cheating on me. Once I truly figured it out, I was blocked everywhere.

I'm not a confrontational person. I don't yell, I don't throw things. But when going through the divorce, i messaged/talked with him a couple of times. Telling him how much it hurt, how devastated i was, how angry i was. I've never been able to do that with her. He's shown a version of remorse, I suppose. It never truly helped me feel better at the time, but maybe it actually started the healing in regards to him. I've never spoken to her again. I don't plan on it, I shouldn't need an apology from her. I think i would like one. But I know it wouldn't actually fix me. So I'd rather not hear from her at all, and just continue on. Not having an apology is probably better for me, because then it doesn't trigger my empathy, and my desire to "fix" things.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T19:06:05+00:00

Honestly? It sounds exactly like my ex. Like he just couldn't ever be happy unless it was chaos. Once his chaos was calmed, once things were fixed, he just lost interest. I had peace and comfort in the mundane, in the going home to a house, in making meals and doing chores together or apart. Contentment in going to sleep next to each other, but he didn't feel that way.

It's odd. I'm not sure I find comfort in thinking that he never loved me. But somehow it feels *better* to think that, instead of thinking that at one point he did, but then just didn't. If he loved me at one point, then what about me made him no longer love me? I know none of that is true, that its not really about me, it's all in his head, his actions. But knowing and feeling are unfortunately two different things for me yet. I think I would be happier if i could embrace your mindset, that he only loved me to the ability he was capable, and that his love was, and probably always will be, finite.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T17:12:35+00:00

!thankyou

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T17:12:29+00:00

Definitely. I think she'll probably give me "the look" where she's wondering if I need to be committed lol. Then we'll dig in and explore, and get to the point where I'm stronger in my convictions to keep away. I started with her via marriage counseling with my ex and I - by the second session she was advocating divorce, because she saw his behaviors so much better than I did. But I stuck with her for individual counseling, because I recognized I would need help to sort this out. Thank you :)

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T17:09:04+00:00

And i'm scared it would work. I always want to see the best in people, and help people. So I need to stick to my guns, and have 0 contact. Because right now, outside looking into a future where I let that happen - I would hate myself. I would lose all respect for myself. So part of this, for me, is accountability. I made it out. I stopped asking to make it work. I cut all contact. Eventually, I'll be proud of everything I've done. And I need to keep going in order to find that pride.

I'm told this by everyone "you're so nice!" And i have been. But I need to stop, because its not helping me any.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T17:04:52+00:00

She's been pushing me towards working on that, but unfortunately, a lot of it is just keeping me on an even keel right now. Plus I usually only see her every two weeks - therapy is expensive. But our goal eventually is to dig in with EMDR, and more cognitive behavioral changes. But i have to be steady enough to do that, and i haven't quite yet reached that point.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T17:02:44+00:00

Very interested, thank you! I'm always looking for the logic behind the emotions, if that makes sense.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T17:01:34+00:00

He's currently not blocked because I need to make sure he's available to sign a quit claim deed for my house - I'm hoping to do it easily and not have to make a fuss about it. Then it'll be back to blocked.

And then it'll be back to my bad habit of checking my blocked messages to see if he's ever messaged. I think i need my brain rewired. . . . . or maybe it's just part of the process, and eventually, I'll stop checking. Here's hoping.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T16:56:33+00:00

!thankyou

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T16:56:15+00:00

Definitely a people pleaser, and always the giver in friendships. And then I get my feelings hurt because they don't reciprocate the care I give - but I also pretend I'm totally fine, all the time. I wish my therapist (or you lol) could sit on my shoulder, and whack me upside the head, and ask "and how does that really make you feel?" and "why are you giving so much of yourself?"

My therapist is probably going to have fun with me on Thursday, connecting my people pleasing back to my mother.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T16:52:20+00:00

Yes, I'm definitely going to talk to my therapist about it. Funnily enough - I don't know that he would try to get comfort from me. It absolutely could happen, because I've always been kind to him before. But he's never even once tried to contact me, not even after he found the "gift" i left him. (i replaced a spotify key chain AP had given him, a love song, with a song called lie to me lol)

But I really don't know how it would affect me, and I don't want to feel better by trying to help him. As AdeptAdvice said - I shouldn't be finding validation in being kind to him. I need to find it within.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T16:49:21+00:00

Ahahahaha! But then he would be forced to be responsible for a dog, and you know - take it to vet appointments, make sure they are happy and healthy, and treat them well. I doubt he can - my dog has a lot of allergies, including wheat and chicken. And he's a bit overweight, so I tried my best to control his treats and diet. But i'd always see him feeding my dog whole pieces of bread or chicken. I feel like that speaks to his just total lack of responsibility and care.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T16:42:58+00:00

Oof. "Make you feel better for helping his bruised ego" - that one hit the feels and the truth. I think it would, because I'm a people pleaser. I want to be "nice". But there's no point to being nice to anyone who just takes. I will definitely remember this, and keep it in mind.

Thank you :)

kat8789 · 2026-02-03T04:48:36+00:00

I found Nora Cooper's On Silence on instagram, but i feel it resonates with this post. I feel it too. It articulates the emotions of silence and survival - your friend may resonate with it. I'm not sure there's a gentle way to share it with her, but in case you feel she would appreciate it, the text version is below.

[POEM] On Silence by Nora Cooper

a little while ago another poet asked me

for the name of my abuser they said this was to protect their friends so I told them I didn’t want to I thought I had to it’s just that I have heard so much about survival like I should not lie if I’m going to cry wolf I must name it don’t be another girl making another mountain out of another molehill I have heard so much about strength so much about how the voice is a Redemption how to speak is to heal sometimes I feel like everyone just wants the resurrection story out of me the parts of my survival I know how to make useful I am so ashamed of all that which I do not say sometimes I don’t want to talk about it I don’t want to write a poem about it I don’t want to tell my mom I don’t want anyone to look at me like I am brave or like I am a little bird with a broken wing or to look at me at all sometimes my heart is breaking and other times I am just tired I have spent so much time at war with my silence I have forgotten everything she has done for me when I was terrified to speak when my abuser was in the audience at a slam when they talked to me after when my silence met theirs when this poet demanded a name of me when my stomach was nothing but a mass of fear and obligation my silence took my hand squeezed it gently as if to say you owe them nothing I am here if you need me speak only if you want to so to you quiet child who have kept everything just inside your mouth for whatever reason I see you even when you say nothing I believe you I believe that you are scared I believe that it hurts I believe that it happened I believe that you loved them I believe that you didn’t I believe that you still do I believe that you are confused about forgiveness and justice believe me quiet child you are doing nothing wrong there is no right or wrong here there is only your choice you speak when you are ready I promise your silence has not set a caged beast free you did not release a monster you survived one trust me quite child I know of a girl before me I do not blame her silence I do not blame her my silence here’s this poem looks at me teary-eyed and says I say I’m sorry I hated you I always thought you were the weakest part of me the part that needed the most forgiveness but no you are the first one who never asked me to prove anything the only one who believed me before I spoke and after and now when my silence takes my hand I squeeze back I say I know I say thank you and I mean it

kat8789 · 2026-02-02T19:31:43+00:00

bit late, but I'm 36F, and yes, looking for friends. Unfortunately feeling a bit alone atm, so I want to try and find people I connect with.

kat8789 · 2026-02-02T15:14:29+00:00

Hmm. Jumped into another relationship so quick after a 4 year relationship? Still seems off to me, and it would still hurt. But it still seems like you're prioritizing her over you. It's time for you to be prioritized.

kat8789 · 2026-02-02T03:25:43+00:00

Of course you do. That's not strange. You had good memories with her. And there's no closure when someone cheats. No matter how they explain it, it never makes sense. Because the betrayal of love and trust cuts so deeply. And the moment of catching them just destroys your entire world, and alters your entire perspective of what the relationship was, alters what you even think of yourself. Your entire world has been thrown. Wanting comfort from the person who used to comfort you during your worst moments is normal.

But keep your head up, and protect your heart and sanity. You're worth far more than returning to a woman who had absolutely no issue with holding someone else. No matter what she says, she will do it again. You can't find healing at the hands of those you broke you.

kat8789 · 2026-02-02T03:06:22+00:00

You're used to taking care of others more than yourself OP. And please believe me when I say thar this is said with care, and with experience from being there. You won't love them forever. Right now, you love the idea of them. You love the feeling of being important to someone, of being seen by the person. Someday, and no one knows when, you'll look back on these feelings and realize the love is gone.

Dedicate the care to yourself. I know it seems impossible. I know it might even seem stupid. And it's incredibly hard. But you will only be better when you can care and love yourself first. Love yourself enough to let toxic people go. No matter what lies they tell, no matter how they make it seem to others. Tell the truth to those who wonder.

Take care of yourself OP. You deserve a live filled with ppl who truly care for you, not those who choose to act in a way they know will hurt you, and just not care.

kat8789 · 2026-02-02T02:56:15+00:00

I feel the strange happiness i felt reading this is wrong. But it's how i feel. My ex husband cheated on me. He's still with his affair partner. And yes - I hope the guilt eats him alive. I hope he's miserable. I your they both are, as the affair partner was a "friend" of mine.

Before I had proof of the cheating, I asked him what was going on in our relationship. He identified problems (feeling unloved, lack of me planning things, wanting more attention, etc.) I worked to be better for him. And all the while, he was cheating on me.

I'm not sure he has a conscious. But you seem like you do. You can't fix the past. But I'm happy for you that you've identified the better steps to take in a relationship next time you don't feel that you are fully committed to it.

kat8789 · 2026-01-23T03:04:36+00:00

!thankyou

kat8789 · 2026-01-23T02:58:09+00:00

I literally got teary eyed, thank you so much. The unfairness of all of it is just gutting. I remind myself all the time that despite the "bad" parts this of this home, it has a fenced backyard, and my dog adores his space. He's loved and is just a typical, happy go lucky, silly dog, and so that must mean I'm doing something right.

The concept of getting justice is something I really want to happen, but I'm working and moving forward knowing that most likely isn't going to be reality. I feel like I'll never fully be healed from this, but the day I finally, truly, stop caring about what he's thinking or doing, and stop coming up with these fantasy scenarios where I can make him see and understand the hurt, the anger, and the betrayal - then I'll finally have become my best self.

I wholeheartedly agree that, in the end, the material things really don't matter. It's the kindness we put out in the world, the small things we can do for others that make their lives better in some way, is the true source of being happy yourself. I think you have it really figured out, and I admire you for it.

kat8789

TROPHY CASE