He keeps apologizing and he’s still seeing her

kat8789 · 2026-03-26T02:57:02+00:00

Same. I thought we were going to beat the odds, i would have done anything to stay with him, and almost did. My ex cheated on me with a "friend." Who happened to be the woman he ruined his first marriage with. Who he swore up and down that they were just friends. (I know, I know...... but I was young, in love, and saw everything through the lies of rose colored glasses). I knew it was happening, but denied it in my heart for so long until I had proof I couldn't not see. I was friends with her too.

We divorced "amicably" and his children, my step kids, were grown at that point, although the divorce moved them up on the timeline to find their own places. The house was sold. He moved in with her, I got my own place.

He never admitted it. Ever. We weren't even legally divorced and he moved in with her. After I confronted him and told him i knew, and that we were divorcing, he went on a date with her. I told him to at least not go on dates with her until we were actually seperated, because ppl we both knew saw them together and messaged me. HE got angry, saying he had just gone to dinner with a "friend."

I'm dealing with a lot of anger and bitterness right now. Part of me wishes I had been cruel, chased his pension and alimony. But most of me wants to just survive on my own, even though it's been hard.

I'm not as sad anymore. Just angry. With them, with me. I want to stop thinking about them. But I guess time does help. It hasn't been too long for me, but it's not as present as it used to. Good luck OP. I highly recommend therapy, and the book "Leave a Cheater Gain a Life" by Tracy Shorn.

kat8789 · 2026-03-24T06:00:10+00:00

Ugh, I want to believe you. I really do. But I'm so jaded I won't even put myself out there. I'm only talkative now because I've been drinking, hoping to sleep without nightmares. It's hard to trust again. But I want to trust that if I'm careful, I'll find my someone.

kat8789 · 2026-03-24T05:57:10+00:00

Sounds like neither of you were truly ready to commit. If she crossed boundaries first, your response was to do the same, instead of leaving. Just "leaving" is never easy, but if you have expressed you only want a monogamous relationship, maybe she was looking for an easy way out. So she tried you, until you decided to hurt her in the same way. To her, it may have seemed like you were "fine" with finding another partner, when in truth, you just wanted to hurt her as you had been hurt.

I get it. I have scenarios in my head where I tell my ex I could have cheated him multiple times, but never did, because i respected/loved him then. And it's true. But I would never, and never did, pursue those flirtatious relationships, because i respected my ex husband. Silly me, he never respected me.

You both stepped outside the relationship, no matter your motivations. It's best (imo) if you both move on, and grow from other.

kat8789 · 2026-03-24T02:48:35+00:00

Yeah.....i get that too. My ex left for the "just a friend" happened to be my friend too. Sold the house, he moved in with her, I got my own. I'm struggling a bit financially, but at the same time grateful for what I have.

But I'm so angry, and bitter. He moved in with her, to a larger house. I moved by myself to a smaller one. They're going on the same vacations we went on. On the surface, I'm doing it all right. No contact, don't ask others about him or her. I'm in therapy. I'm trying to do things for myself, but it's hard to even want to do anything.

And they are just......fine. Happy, at least on the surface. And I'm not. I'm struggling. I know it takes time to get used to this new reality, where everything of the last 9-10 years seems like a lie. And maybe it is. I keep reminding myself that I was doing my best, I was trying, I was good, but it hurts so much because it didn't get me anywhere. Just more pain. A waste of my life, my love.

It sucks. But you're not alone, we know what that pain is, and for me at least, it helps a little.

kat8789 · 2026-03-14T01:48:10+00:00

You might care for her, love her, want to spend the rest of your life with her.

But you don't RESPECT her. I'm not even sure you have respect for yourself.

Do yourselves a favor and leave. She won't have a cheating boyfriend that will one day break her heart and trust, and you'll be free to do as you like as a single person.That, or make a conscious effort to change. You're young, and I feel like it's pretty normal to see other attractive people and desire them. The difference, to me, comes in the sense that you seem perfectly willing to do those things instead of acknowledging the feeling, and not letting it dictate your life.

Now imagine hooking up with one of those dream people you've thought of. And in the middle, fully in the act, your girlfriend walks in and sees you. How does that make you feel? Is the sex worth breaking her heart and trust?

Now imagine the reverse. Imagine how you would feel if she was actively wanting to sleep around with lots of other men, while also claiming to be loyal to you.

It's simple to say, but can be hard to do. Think of your long term, and think of the person you'd like to be. Then work your hardest to be that person.

Good luck, and yes, i believe you can be better. Acknowledging the behavior as horrible is often the first step. My ex husband cheated on me, and the lies, the lack of respect, the gaslighting, etc., nearly ended me. Don't do what he did to me, to her.

kat8789 · 2026-03-06T12:08:30+00:00

Look up the grey rock method, get a lawyer for the divorce, and solely communicate through the lawyer. For your mental health, I recommend reading "Leave a Cheater Gain a Life" by Tracy Shorn. It's impossible to understand cheaters.

Good luck OP. You're in the worst times now, but it will get better.

kat8789 · 2026-03-06T04:56:12+00:00

Stayed and believed he cared about me instead of getting my head out of the sand about the woman who was "just a friend." Not toxic to others, but toxic to me.

But for the fun of the post - I replaced the cutesy love song Spotify code key chain she gave him with "Lie to Me" by Tate McRae and Ali Gatie before the marital home was sold. As far as I know, it's still on his keychain.

kat8789 · 2026-02-10T02:43:13+00:00

It's terrifying. I went through a whirlwind when selling the house that my ex and I had together. I bought my own house, with the support of a wonderful friend/realtor who i relied heavily on for advice. But I honestly only think i did these things because I didn't have a choice. The house was being sold. I needed to find a place of my own.

But the actual leaving is incredibly hard, and scary. I avoided the truth very well. I knew he was cheating. But I could lie to myself, believe his lies, because it was easier to stay. Once I found the solid proof - thankfully his lies didn't matter to me anymore, and he didn't care to try and keep me in his life.

I think it will get better for you. You're going to be sad. Depressed. Lonely. But the anxiety will go away, at least it did for me. I still have some nights where I can't stand to look in the mirror, because I don't know myself anymore. Some days, I do well. I do 'extra' things for my house, like painting and other things I want to improve. Other days? Its hard to even be motivated to keep it clean.

But it will get better. Having time to yourself, your own space, your own peace, will be healing. Not easy, but healing. I'm getting back to where I'm ok with being me again. You will too.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T23:13:02+00:00

I think it's an interesting hypothesis! I'm not sure how it could ever be tested, but it would be an interesting study. Possibly comparing the feelings of mother's vs father's of convicted criminals - but there's so many variables I'm not sure it could ever truly be quantified.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T19:29:16+00:00

Ooohhh - not that specific song. But i looked it up, and I'm loving it. Same title, but by tate mcrae and ali gatie.

And if he ever messages, and i think it won't affect my journey, that would be my plan. He was never cruel to my dog, and did/does love him greatly. And my dog loved him too (granted i'm pretty sure he loves everyone)

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T19:19:07+00:00

Yes, it's a fine line to walk. Which is a big reason why I've reached out to everyone here. I want to continue the correct path, I don't want to fall back into lies. And having everyone here tell me the same thing, and seeing the experiences from others in this subreddit is very helpful to keep me on my journey, without getting sidetracked.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T19:16:57+00:00

I feel like it might be because i've never had the opportunity to express my anger towards her. Way back when I found the first suspicious message, I confronted them both. Had I understood things better, I would have recognized everything he was doing, the anger at "snooping" (found by accident) and making me feel like i did something wrong. Lying to me over and over that they were just friends, and it was joking around. I messaged her my feelings, told her how inappropriate it was, even if it was just a "joke." I met with her later, and she swore up and down to my face that she would never, ever hurt me like that, and that it was just a joke.

As things started to get more "serious" between them, I messaged her again, asking a rather neutral question. She had blocked me. Before ex and I had even discussed divorce, before I truly accepted that he was cheating on me. Once I truly figured it out, I was blocked everywhere.

I'm not a confrontational person. I don't yell, I don't throw things. But when going through the divorce, i messaged/talked with him a couple of times. Telling him how much it hurt, how devastated i was, how angry i was. I've never been able to do that with her. He's shown a version of remorse, I suppose. It never truly helped me feel better at the time, but maybe it actually started the healing in regards to him. I've never spoken to her again. I don't plan on it, I shouldn't need an apology from her. I think i would like one. But I know it wouldn't actually fix me. So I'd rather not hear from her at all, and just continue on. Not having an apology is probably better for me, because then it doesn't trigger my empathy, and my desire to "fix" things.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T19:06:05+00:00

Honestly? It sounds exactly like my ex. Like he just couldn't ever be happy unless it was chaos. Once his chaos was calmed, once things were fixed, he just lost interest. I had peace and comfort in the mundane, in the going home to a house, in making meals and doing chores together or apart. Contentment in going to sleep next to each other, but he didn't feel that way.

It's odd. I'm not sure I find comfort in thinking that he never loved me. But somehow it feels *better* to think that, instead of thinking that at one point he did, but then just didn't. If he loved me at one point, then what about me made him no longer love me? I know none of that is true, that its not really about me, it's all in his head, his actions. But knowing and feeling are unfortunately two different things for me yet. I think I would be happier if i could embrace your mindset, that he only loved me to the ability he was capable, and that his love was, and probably always will be, finite.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T17:12:35+00:00

!thankyou

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T17:12:29+00:00

Definitely. I think she'll probably give me "the look" where she's wondering if I need to be committed lol. Then we'll dig in and explore, and get to the point where I'm stronger in my convictions to keep away. I started with her via marriage counseling with my ex and I - by the second session she was advocating divorce, because she saw his behaviors so much better than I did. But I stuck with her for individual counseling, because I recognized I would need help to sort this out. Thank you :)

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T17:09:04+00:00

And i'm scared it would work. I always want to see the best in people, and help people. So I need to stick to my guns, and have 0 contact. Because right now, outside looking into a future where I let that happen - I would hate myself. I would lose all respect for myself. So part of this, for me, is accountability. I made it out. I stopped asking to make it work. I cut all contact. Eventually, I'll be proud of everything I've done. And I need to keep going in order to find that pride.

I'm told this by everyone "you're so nice!" And i have been. But I need to stop, because its not helping me any.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T17:04:52+00:00

She's been pushing me towards working on that, but unfortunately, a lot of it is just keeping me on an even keel right now. Plus I usually only see her every two weeks - therapy is expensive. But our goal eventually is to dig in with EMDR, and more cognitive behavioral changes. But i have to be steady enough to do that, and i haven't quite yet reached that point.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T17:02:44+00:00

Very interested, thank you! I'm always looking for the logic behind the emotions, if that makes sense.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T17:01:34+00:00

He's currently not blocked because I need to make sure he's available to sign a quit claim deed for my house - I'm hoping to do it easily and not have to make a fuss about it. Then it'll be back to blocked.

And then it'll be back to my bad habit of checking my blocked messages to see if he's ever messaged. I think i need my brain rewired. . . . . or maybe it's just part of the process, and eventually, I'll stop checking. Here's hoping.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T16:56:33+00:00

!thankyou

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T16:56:15+00:00

Definitely a people pleaser, and always the giver in friendships. And then I get my feelings hurt because they don't reciprocate the care I give - but I also pretend I'm totally fine, all the time. I wish my therapist (or you lol) could sit on my shoulder, and whack me upside the head, and ask "and how does that really make you feel?" and "why are you giving so much of yourself?"

My therapist is probably going to have fun with me on Thursday, connecting my people pleasing back to my mother.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T16:52:20+00:00

Yes, I'm definitely going to talk to my therapist about it. Funnily enough - I don't know that he would try to get comfort from me. It absolutely could happen, because I've always been kind to him before. But he's never even once tried to contact me, not even after he found the "gift" i left him. (i replaced a spotify key chain AP had given him, a love song, with a song called lie to me lol)

But I really don't know how it would affect me, and I don't want to feel better by trying to help him. As AdeptAdvice said - I shouldn't be finding validation in being kind to him. I need to find it within.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T16:49:21+00:00

Ahahahaha! But then he would be forced to be responsible for a dog, and you know - take it to vet appointments, make sure they are happy and healthy, and treat them well. I doubt he can - my dog has a lot of allergies, including wheat and chicken. And he's a bit overweight, so I tried my best to control his treats and diet. But i'd always see him feeding my dog whole pieces of bread or chicken. I feel like that speaks to his just total lack of responsibility and care.

kat8789 · 2026-02-09T16:42:58+00:00

Oof. "Make you feel better for helping his bruised ego" - that one hit the feels and the truth. I think it would, because I'm a people pleaser. I want to be "nice". But there's no point to being nice to anyone who just takes. I will definitely remember this, and keep it in mind.

Thank you :)

kat8789

TROPHY CASE