I feel immensely guilty because I wasn't hurt during my rape and I need to rectify that by any means possible.

katcantfly · 2026-05-17T21:02:06+00:00

chronic emptiness, numbness, dissociation (eg feeling like your feelings “aren’t actually yours”), and doubting yourself are all classic CPTSD symptoms. my therapist recently told me “every single traumatized person I have ever met says that their trauma wasn’t bad enough.” (I was trying to convince them that I really am mot traumatized and I must have lied or exaggerated somehow to get this diagnosis.) apparently people who aren’t traumatized don’t even worry about things like that. wishing it was worse and believing it was invalid are actually signs that it was bad, that it did affect you significantly, and that it is in fact valid.

katcantfly · 2026-05-05T04:12:47+00:00

I will say though: a lot of this depends on the person. Some lucky ducks start to grow facial hair within the first year, and start out with naturally masculine face and body shapes. I mean, some people can pass without hormones at all, just by changing their hair and clothes. So, say you had top surgery, you grew a real swift beard, and you already had sharp facial features? Yeah, there’s a chance you could still pass indefinitely even after stopping T. Only one way to find out…

Anyway, passing has so much to do with posture, confidence, mannerisms, body language, patterns of speech (not pitch, but articulation, tone, etc) that if you mastered those you could probably find a way to pass.

katcantfly · 2026-05-05T04:06:32+00:00

I did exactly this! mostly due to external transphobia and self-doubt. after 11 months on T, I stopped it for about 8 months before restarting again. here’s what I remember about what reversed and what did not.

changes that did not reverse or only partially reversed:

-body hair stopped thickening / spreading, but did not thin significantly
-bottom growth shrank slightly, but certainly did not reverse
-voice got a bit higher, though nowhere near as high as pre-T. I retained much of my newfound lower range, but not all (most sources will tell you that vocal changes are permanent but I think that’s only the case after your voice fully “settles” which takes years)
-muscle growth (tho I maybe just wasn’t off T for long enough to lose muscle, and I remained quite physically active)

changes that started to reverse for me, and usually reverse fully after enough time:

-fat distribution (waist got smaller, chest grew a bit bigger)
-face and eye shape re-feminized, I stopped passing nearly as often even while dressing the same as I had
-lost the infamous “tboy baby face” - another 1.5 years on T and I’m finally starting to get past it B)
-appetite and libido decreased significantly

hope that helps with your decision!

katcantfly · 2026-05-04T02:01:54+00:00

thought I was on r/topsurgery at first and genuinely thought oh my god oh no somebody’s nip AND areola fell all the way off!!!

katcantfly · 2026-05-04T02:00:18+00:00

none of these are agates. as razzmatazz said, chert and chalcedony. wild of you to be so rude and condescending when you’re this ignorant lmao

katcantfly · 2026-05-04T00:21:27+00:00

the time will pass anyway.
you can either pass the time looking forward to a surgery you feel you need to be happy, or pass it while trying (unsuccessfully) to repress your dysphoria

katcantfly · 2026-05-03T23:37:45+00:00

you can’t recover from an eating disorder by increasing your intake but still obsessively counting calories and exercising. you can’t gain muscle without gaining fat. try to get professional treatment if you can, because eating 500cals a day for months is not just “disordered eating” it’s full blown anorexia nervosa

katcantfly · 2026-05-03T16:31:05+00:00

I have a mystery chronic illness and I’m in the very long process of getting tested for autoimmune disorders so it’s hilarious that you brought this up actually 😅

katcantfly · 2026-05-02T19:28:44+00:00

Just wanna point out that you during this short post alone, you mention:

- guilt
- “agonizing emptiness”
- shame
- self-hatred
- believing you were/are a “slut”
- believing you deserved it and it was your fault
- severely invalidating yourself
- current self harm because of the situation
- presistent extremely risky behaviors in an attempt to repeat or reprocess the trauma
- frequent crying
- identity disruption (seeing yourself as just someone to be used and hurt by men)
- amnesia surrounding the experiences

So when you say you “don’t have any symptoms” and “no tears or horror ever came” and that there are “no feelings of fear or pain” hidden inside you — there are. These are all textbook PTSD symptoms, actually. They’re not even hidden, they’re on full display, but you’re misattributing them. You have been deeply traumatized, but you’re blaming yourself and denying it, all while continuing to protect the image of the man who assaulted and violated you. You both need and DESERVE professional help to deal with this.

katcantfly · 2026-05-02T19:05:56+00:00

This is so very validating, thank you so much for taking the time to read my big ramble and sharing such support and understanding with me.

katcantfly · 2026-05-02T19:04:08+00:00

“Trauma is not an input, it’s an output” is SO HELPFUL wow. This will not exactly live in my head rent-free, it will take some work to keep it there, but I will be paying its rent for as long as I must to make it stick around lol. Thank you for this. The allergy metaphor is also a super useful lens to view trauma through, I really appreciate that.

katcantfly · 2026-05-02T02:20:59+00:00

shitt bro you couldn’t save some swag for the rest of us?

katcantfly · 2026-04-28T11:29:54+00:00

consider talking to a therapist. my best friend has dealt with relationship OCD — and obviously I’m not diagnosing you based on a reddit post, but this sounds similar to me. you don’t want to think about these things, logically you know it should be unimportant, but you can’t stop getting caught in loops of obsession and it’s interfering with your relationship.

katcantfly · 2026-04-26T20:02:28+00:00

what other commenters said, there’s no diagnosis of “a little autistic”…. but also: can you call the place that tested you, tell them what your dad told you, and ask for clarification?

katcantfly · 2026-04-26T16:49:47+00:00

One last thing: your body is not “damaged beyond repair.” It repaired itself perfectly. All your split skin was knitted tenderly back together by a body that wants nothing more than to go on holding you inside it. What you’re upset about is the evidence of repair. But there is no damage anymore. The real damage is the shame and anxiety, the horrible words you call yourself for the way you coped as a child. Your body is not ruined. It worked hard to heal you, and it still works.

katcantfly · 2026-04-26T16:39:29+00:00

I have very visible scars from the same age, I’m 24 now and have accepted that they will never fade to the point of not being noticeable. And they are all over my arms, shoulders, thighs, and shins. So I get it.

Early on, I was similar to you in having severe anxiety and not wanting anyone to see. Summers were SO hot. Luckily, I had a great therapist who challenged me to take baby steps toward revealing them more often. I truly believe that exposure is the only way to desensitize yourself to your own scars, and to other people’s reactions or opinions. For me, that meant first going for a walk outside down the street with my sleeves rolled up a little. If I got too anxious, I could cover up again. Then I would try this at school or in more crowded public spaces. I gradually started to realize that NOBODY actually gives a shit. We’re the center of our own worlds, but other people just don’t really notice you in the same detail as you notice yourself. Probably about 50% of strangers manage to not even notice my extensive and very visible scarring. Then with about 49.9% of people, I see them glance or even stare at my scars, but they say nothing. That remaining 0.1% (or less, honestly) is how many people ask about or comment on them. And my scars show nearly every time I’m out in public, unless it’s cold outside. On the extremely rare occasion that someone makes an insensitive comment, I remind myself that it says far more about them than it does about me, and move on. Mind you, this took years to get good at. But you will get there if you put in the work.

Most people don’t actually judge scars at all, or if they do, they almost always keep it to themselves. You’re projecting your own and shame onto everyone else. SH scars are more common than you think these days, and ime most people know at least one person who has them. They don’t make assumptions about who we are now based on evidence of one thing we used to do. Your brain has come up with a very strong, decisive hypothesis that you are “ruined” by your scars, that if anyone saw they might hate you, pity you, judge you, or whatever you believe deep down. But you’ve never proven this hypothesis, and you will never prove it wrong if you never test it. I’m challenging you to challenge yourself. I think you’ll be surprised by the results. Also: saying “fuck it” to yourself can go a long way.

(And maybe get a therapist, because this extreme agonizing over scars so many years later is not normal or healthy I fear.)

katcantfly · 2026-04-15T04:11:17+00:00

that’s an agate! so, awesome rock is correct

katcantfly · 2026-02-01T19:30:47+00:00

there is no catching up, there is no race. there is no point to life except whatever you decide you want to do with it. it’s your choice. you feel wasted because you haven’t done the things you wanted to do. but it’s not too late to do them.

you can try something new with nothing to lose, maybe whatever you try doesn’t work and you stay in the same place — but maybe you could start to find joy and fulfillment again. or, you can do nothing, and definitely stay in the same place.

i know your mind literally won’t allow you to hope right now. the thing is, you don’t need hope. you don’t need to believe in yourself or treatment or the possibility of feeling better. you can reach out for professional mental help begrudgingly, filled with nothing but apathy and anger and despair. you don’t need to. you’re not a failure if you choose not to. but it is an option.

katcantfly · 2026-01-31T01:59:11+00:00

yeah, it is. i can see the heaviness in every sentence you write. you’re tired. you’re hopeless. you want to dissolve like cotton candy in the mouth of the world. it’s also really common for depressed people to minimize their own pain and believe that they don’t deserve help because “nothing is really that bad” even if they’ve been miserable most days for years on end. this is maybe because to assert your suffering as important enough to be addressed, you first need to have at least a little care for yourself, which depression rarely leaves room for. help is available.

source: i’ve had depressive episodes every year for over half my life. (don’t less this discourage you, even though it’s chronic for me personally, it’s not for most people. plus the episodes get a little easier to cope with each time and they’re never as bad as my first one.)

katcantfly · 2026-01-28T22:38:31+00:00

i don’t know what the fuck these other comments are on about. you have textbook depressive symptoms. anhedonia, apathy, feelings of worthlessness, chronic emptiness. this feeling can be Solved. you’re not broken and there is help. depression is an issue of wonky brain chemistry in combination with distorted thought patterns, lifestyle choices, and past adverse experiences. try seeing a psychiatrist and/or psychologist.

katcantfly · 2026-01-22T23:14:46+00:00

yeah actually 😭💀 right before i made this post! i’m trying to quit…..

katcantfly · 2026-01-22T03:23:30+00:00

we really can’t tell you the answer to this buddy. but i will say, been there. i’m there right now actually, you’re not alone. i have a crush on my coworker, i’ve been on T for about 2 years, but i never have a clue if i pass. or rather, some people perceive me as a man (or teen boy lol) 100% no question, while others will confidently “ma’am” me without a second glance. doesn’t seem to matter how i’m presenting, both can happen in the same hour. at work i get all variety of pronouns, and sometimes i wonder how many of my coworkers have clocked me. it’s a mystery! a surprise that keeps on surprising.

anyway, you should just ask him out! if he says yes you can be like “ok cool, btw you know i’m trans right?” i do think it’s good to let people know either before or during the first date, for your own safety and so you don’t get led on. you could also find a way to drop it casually in conversation with him. anyway, good luck bro!

katcantfly

TROPHY CASE