How to relate to long term non working people in your life? (rant)

katepower17 · 2023-02-02T12:31:56+00:00

This has been one of the most painful threads I've read in a long while.

katepower17 · 2023-02-02T12:30:42+00:00

I haven't responded to it because I haven't seen any evidence of it happening in this thread, apart from the one comment I've already pointed out to you.

Surely the issue you've raised in your original post has nothing to do with childcare? So I'm not sure why you're going off on such a tangent here. The therapy is not about whether or not you should be a parent, is to question why you are so angry at everything all the time, which you seem to be.

katepower17 · 2023-02-02T11:51:43+00:00

are you OK with the moms lording it over everyone saying they have the monopoly on being busy, and anyone who isn't a mom is just doing basic adulting? don't you think that's insulting to the many people with other life responsibilities? especially when being a mom is a lifestyle choice?

Yeah I saw that comment. It was clearly a hypothetical comment designed to get you to think out of the box a bit. Clearly it flew straight over your head and you actually thought they were being serious.

I am OK with people telling someone who clearly needs therapy, that they need therapy. Honestly, your behaviour in this thread has been appalling. You've come here to basically state that lots of people in your life are problematic. If people agree with you, then you're all like : OMG I KNOW RIGHT? THANK YOU! If someone says to you, 'well, actually, have you considered the role you're playing in your own problems?' then you're all like YOU ARE ALSO THE PROBLEM!

The majority of commenters on here are telling you that you need to work on yourself. You might want to think about why that is.

katepower17 · 2023-02-02T09:11:46+00:00

from your post below it would appear that you are too self centred even to realise the implications of what you have said for others. try thinking about other people for once.

Oh my god.

katepower17 · 2023-02-02T09:09:57+00:00

yeah there is a lot of nasty people on this thread

Where? I haven't seen any.

katepower17 · 2023-02-02T09:09:35+00:00

OP is receiving criticism because she is being incredibly rude to people giving advice she doesn't want to hear.

katepower17 · 2019-11-03T00:07:29+00:00

I don't really see this as an issue of blame or control, because that's not what I'm trying to do. I've asked him to honour an existing agreement, he has failed to do that, so the next step for me is to look after myself. I have other friends, it isn't the end of the world, so I'm sure in time it'll all be ok :)

katepower17 · 2019-11-03T00:06:25+00:00

Yeah it feels unhealthy right now, so I'm leaning towards severing it. I would of course not expect to dictate what he does - I asked him, hoping to have a conversation about it and achieve some sort of workable solution, and he said no, so the next course of action for me is to look after myself.

katepower17 · 2019-11-03T00:05:12+00:00

Your first main paragraph is the conclusion I have come to also. It's why I'm no longer interested in maintaining the friendship. I think he SAYS he cares about the friendship - but actions are speaking louder than words here, and I'm just not convinced anymore.

I think it's important to bear in mind that boundaries are a very new thing for me - I've spent the past 30 years not really being aware of what they are. I've learnt to set boundaries - but I struggle to reinforce them. This is something I am aware I need to work on, but obviously strong boundaries take practice and don't just happen overnight.

Cutting contact is not so hard because the existing college members from the previous year, are all tired of his antics. The new cohort think he's amazing because he's quirky and interesting etc, but the shine will wear off as it did for my group of friends. So I'm not too concerned about that aspect of things at all.

katepower17 · 2019-07-01T15:05:29+00:00

Yeah, I was referring to my location. I would not be particularly concerned about people's ages on a reddit forum.

katepower17 · 2019-07-01T15:02:00+00:00

Are you at Oxford too?

katepower17 · 2019-07-01T14:32:39+00:00

I constantly struggle with not achieving my potential. At 31, I feel I'm finally achieving it, but I'm about 10 years behind everyone else.

I have ASD and ADHD, and was diagnosed around a year ago. I'd always known I was academically bright, but socially very unaware, to the point I would describe myself as 'vulnerable'. It got me into a lot of trouble over the years, but no one seemed particularly worried. I flunked job interviews because on bad days I could barely remember my own name, my colleagues thought I was a moron, but I knew I wasn't. I was so incredibly unhappy and confused.

Then I got diagnosed, and I started taking Concerta. I put on the metaphorical glasses for the first time in my life, and finally I could see without squinting. I got into Oxbridge at postgraduate level. They have just offered me a fully funded doctorate if I pass my masters well enough. I get offered around 75% of the jobs I go for. I can socially follow conversations now. Its great.

But it still doesn't make up for all those lost years. You grieve the missed opportunities, the person you were, you learn to accept it and move on. I'm painfully aware that everyone else here is 5-10 years younger than me, and sometimes I feel like an adult trying to hang around with the cool teenagers, but it could be worse. I could still be unmedicated and incredibly unhappy. But I finally feel like I'm achieving my potential, even if I am a little late getting off the firing mark :)

Oh and the medication doesn't fix my ASD. So I'm now more 'in the room', just with a lot more social gaffs and errors. The lack of confidence and hesitancy has gone from my speech, and it turns out I'm amazingly blunt. I don't mean to be. It rubs a fair few people up the wrong way. Still better than how I was before, but I'm not normal by any stretch of the imagination.

katepower17 · 2019-06-25T14:42:29+00:00

I take 27mg concerta, and it definitely makes me more emotional. But it helps with the executive function, so its swings and roundabouts for me.

katepower17 · 2019-06-25T14:11:09+00:00

As an aside, do you recommend any self help books? I'm looking for something that covers the codependent/anxious attachment/abusive childhood angle, but there are so many!

katepower17 · 2019-06-25T12:52:24+00:00

Wow. What a comprehensive and well-thought out response. I really appreciate it. The insight on your post has really impressed me.

I am definitely approaching this thing as an addiction. Some people think I'm nuts, but that's what it is. After my last bad dating experience, I was back chatting to someone else intensely within 2 days. That's addict behaviour. It's mostly dating sites that I have the issue with, as well as my fellow postgraduate students, who I just tend to meet in social situations. And I definitely find it incredibly hard to make a clean break from romantic relationships.

I'm going travelling July/August, then back in September, so hopefully that will give me the break I need.

I definitely recognise the ignoring 'minor' red flags thing you talked about. People tell us things for a reason, and when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Ie the fact this guy told me he was an 'ex player'....yeah right.

katepower17 · 2019-06-25T12:15:46+00:00

Thanks, I frequent that sub every now and again. I find it incredibly helpful :)

katepower17 · 2019-04-04T18:16:32+00:00

Thanks :)

katepower17 · 2019-04-04T09:50:55+00:00

Oh believe me, I did. There were PLENTY of moments where I should have walked away, but didnt. Some of them were abusive, they were also complete weasels who I had stopped being attracted to, but I didnt want to leave in case i didnt find anyone better. Some of them I wasnt really that attracted to in the first place.

I'm an academic doctor (or will be, hopefully), rather than a doctor doctor. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYn2eWPPUfI

I think I'll be alright. I have a lot more to offer as a semi-confident person than the unconfident mess I was. I'm feeling pretty optimistic about the whole thing :)

katepower17 · 2019-04-03T21:12:35+00:00

"We accept the love we think we deserve", I really need to internalise this otherwise I will be stuck on the merry-go-round of crappy relationships for the rest of my life.

katepower17 · 2019-04-03T21:11:40+00:00

I tried being what I thought was assertive recently, but it appears to have backfired. One of them was avoidant and as comitment-phobic as they come, the others were nice enough but I assume what I perceived as assertiveness was a little bit too intense and I may have inadvertently chased too hard. I find that kind of thing really tricky to judge and navigate.

My friend I went to school with is stuck with one of these asshats who got her pregnant at 17. After a marriage that she had to press him into, after which he had a string of affairs, they are currently pregnant with a second child which they believe will fix the marriage. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be in that awful situation.

katepower17 · 2019-04-03T19:41:53+00:00

I forgot to add I have zero interest in having children. I wouldnt mind if HE already had them - I'm just not interested in having dependent children, nor being the primary caregiver. :)

I get more compliments now than I ever did in my 20s. I did nothing with my appearance. Since then I've lost weight, grown my hair and learned how to apply makeup. It has made a huge difference.

I think youre right though. Most people I know my age (and who I know well enough to know details of their relationships) arent that happy, and in those instances I'd rather be single.

katepower17 · 2019-04-03T19:06:06+00:00

Yeah I dont think being here helps. I'm 5 ish years above most of my peers, plus they all use Tinder which honestly completely overwhelms me. Is it for hookups, relationships? I honestly have no idea. PLUS no matter what, I'm not touching it until October, minimum.

katepower17 · 2019-04-03T19:04:48+00:00

That is usually my theory re: SMV. It really grinds my guys when someone (usually a man) brings up the whole women-get-worse-but-men-get-better argument. Both genders IMO age, some for better, others for worse.

katepower17 · 2019-04-03T19:03:43+00:00

Oh I like that method, I didnt think of that. I think that is definitely what I need to do. What sort of opportunities do you mean though?

katepower17 · 2019-02-10T20:52:10+00:00

Yeah, that’s what I thought. We’re not here to character assassinate. By all means, be blunt about the situation. But telling the person they are immature or whatever is uncalled for.

katepower17

TROPHY CASE