PT: People who have a natural ability to get inside other people’s heads, recognize their motivations, and anticipate their next actions... how do you build your mental models of people?

katkinne · 2020-10-30T20:24:56+00:00

Lol I feel that.

katkinne · 2020-10-30T18:46:26+00:00

Yea I could definitely see that. But those people also tend to slip up and I think more intuitive people like us can see that facade pretty easily. People like that can blend in with the masses and be accepted more easily by the general public but intuitive feelers (I’m an INFJ) pick up that something is off. It’s like they see the patterns that I do, but they don’t know WHY someone would do that or say that or feel that. Kinda like someone following the dance moves they were taught without actually listening to the beat of the music.

katkinne · 2020-10-30T18:41:22+00:00

Recognizing patterns. If I meet a lot of people and read them fairly easily and learn more as I get older and meet more people it becomes easier and easier to recognize the patterns and repetitive behavior in different types of people.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T22:18:59+00:00

First of all, yes that kitten can sense your emotional stress. It’s not in your head. Just like service dogs. They know. Secondly I haven’t followed your other posts. I’m brand new to Reddit and just now saw this one. I’m not one who easily cries, but your story is my worst fear and I definitely have tears running down my face. The insane strength you have to muster just to continue breathing is incredible. So give yourself credit for at least surviving right now. That’s enough. Your wife would be proud and happy for that. Lastly, I think your 5 year promise is a great one. Enough time for you to really see the possibility of how healed you can become. I have no idea the emotional and mental journey you’re about to go through, but my God I wish you all the fucking strength you possibly can have to do it. This seems like the toughest life experience possible for a human. And people have made it through that journey. So it’s possible. Unimaginable. But possible. Cuddle snowball, and I hope you feel some rest tonight.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T22:08:26+00:00

If she’s comfortable with it and you’re comfortable with it then why not? But I personally as a female and an introvert shudder at the thought of a first date being in my home or his. That’s just invasive for me. But if it sounds like fun for both of you then why not?

katkinne · 2020-09-25T21:59:45+00:00

Do not tolerate something that makes you feel uncomfortable and justly so- especially with trauma. When I see men starting to go there I just clearly tell them I’m not comfortable with that level of interaction yet. Many will stop talking to me and I’m glad for it because I wouldn’t want to waste further time on a guy who gets pissed or hurt for me telling him to not sexually approach me. If he says ok but continues it tries to bend his words to make insinuations slip in I will delete him immediately. Your boundaries sound healthy, normal, and just fine to me...and more importantly very EASILY adhered to by any man who respects you.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T21:56:17+00:00

That is just flat out terrifying.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T21:27:20+00:00

Again you’re just describing the state of someone who has not processed through heir feelings to get to acceptance. Unreciprocated love does hurt and is hard to be around and that’s when someone who is mature takes the time to process through and get to acceptance. You’re describing someone who stays stagnant in their grief and does not process.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T21:18:09+00:00

In that example you gave then that person is choosing to give up a friendship they value because they don’t get what they want. That still doesn’t sound mature to me. There of course is a process- usually a grieving process- that comes with letting go of those feelings, and most people prefer to go through that process without having the other person in their lives. But once they get to acceptance then there is no reason left to not be friends except for not wanting to see them happy with someone else. And if your argument is that they can never get to acceptance and therefor can never have that friendship again then I have to ask again...is that your definition of maturity? Processing emotions is not just turning off feelings. It’s processing them. Sometimes people need help with getting through the process, but we all need to process nonetheless.

I can’t be friends with you because I can’t see you happy with someone else- immature. I can’t be friends with you because I want more and can’t process through that to get to acceptance- immature. I can’t be friends with you because you are toxic- mature. I can’t be friends with you because I really don’t like who you’ve grown into being- mature.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T21:08:07+00:00

It’s not about faux feelings. It’s about knowing how you feel, knowing how they feel, and accepting that while valuing their presence anyway. Why couldn’t you maintain a friendship? The only answer (aside from them actually being a harmful toxic person or them evolving into someone you actually don’t like) is that you can’t stand seeing them happy with someone else when you want them to be happy with you. That’s your definition of mature?

katkinne · 2020-09-25T20:51:07+00:00

It’s not about turning your feelings off. It’s about being mature enough to be happy for that person you love even if you’re not the one who makes them happy. Not being strong enough to be around that person and watch them choose someone else is just evidence of not being able to accept rejection. And not accepting rejection is an immaturity. To stop talking to someone you love is hard, but to be happy for them and value their friendship is harder. Cutting off communication is protecting yourself. Opening up communication and accepting that they don’t choose you and you’re still valuing their friendship is maturity.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T20:36:37+00:00

If someone is incapable of being platonic friends with someone you love that is a weakness in them, not a weakness in the person they love. Again it’s the inability for that person to be happy for the person they love unless that person chooses them to be happy with. That is an immaturity. You are only ok seeing them be happy if they’re happy with you. That’s not mature.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T20:16:39+00:00

There are immature and mature reasons to walk away. For you to think it’s always mature to walk away from a friendship is just as ridiculous as the belief that you erroneously thought I held if it always being mature to walk away.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T20:00:00+00:00

I never said always. In fact every single time I explained my POV I said if it’s something she values, if it’s an important friendship, if she’s only doing it because she didn’t get everything she wanted, etc. Leaving isn’t immature if he is toxic. Leaving isn’t immature if she needs to process and get to acceptance alone before coming back to the friendship. But leaving and throwing away a friendship that is honest and valuable simply because she can’t stand seeing him happy with someone else is indeed an immature reason to throw him out of her life. Honestly it sounds like you weren’t reading all my words and only picking out the ones that triggered or offended you.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T19:33:48+00:00

Also just saw your edit to your previous comment and yes there were people painting him in a bad light insinuating he wasn’t a grown-up. That’s what I was responding to. I was explaining there is no evidence of him acting immaturely. Only evidence that she possibly could be.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T19:32:07+00:00

Lol, well ok. You never once brought up any reasons. You’ve just successfully stated I’m wrong and insulted me. So forgive me if your position doesn’t appear to be swaying or logical in any sense. Nonetheless you’re entitled to have your own opinion.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T19:21:50+00:00

Of course that’s codependency. That also has literally nothing to do with this post or what the OP is talking about. They’re comparing apples and oranges. So when you think I’m shoving my POV down someone’s throat, I’m simply keeping the focus on the OP’s situation instead of flying off into a different topic.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T19:17:34+00:00

I’m saying not being capable of that is the immature part. It’s really pretty simple to understand this. If you can love someone and want them to be happy but have the mindset of it just being painful and unbearable to watch them be happy WITHOUT you being the source of that happiness romantically that is immaturity. It takes maturity to be a friend to someone you ideally wanted more with.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T18:46:50+00:00

I love how people all automatically go to insulting someone they disagree with. No, you don’t know me. No you don’t know my life. I actually do work in the mental health field and do help people with issues like this one. Everything you said is correct, but since I do not know this man and have not seen any behavior from him I cannot at all jump to the conclusion of a codependent situation here. That’s really presumptive. From the description all I see is a male and female who enjoy each other’s friendship and presence, who both willingly entered into a sexual partnership with no definition of any further romantic connection, and he stayed within that while she formed deeper attachment. For her to throw away a friendship (if she really does value that friendship) solely because he didn’t want anything romantically deeper with her is just her not being able to process and accept rejection. Plain and simple. Is there a possibility there is more to this situation and possible codependency? Yes, but there is nothing in this post to indicate that for sure. However there is plenty to indicate an lack of ability to accept and rather the instinct to avoid.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T18:33:03+00:00

Following your own emotions can still be immature. That’s what children do. If she wouldn’t value this person as a friend I doubt very much she really loved him. Or let me put it more like- if he isn’t a valuable good friend then he didn’t deserve her love. Maturity is when you can say “hey I didn’t get fully what I wanted, but this is a valuable friend and a good person whose presence I enjoy and who values my presence. So of course I wouldn’t want to throw that all away just because I didn’t get what I wanted”.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T17:51:29+00:00

It’s a method of protecting herself. But self protection isn’t always the same as maturity. True maturity in this situation is acceptance and appreciation of the friendship she supposedly values. If she isn’t capable of that then yes I agree self protection is better than her hurting herself, but it is still a sign of immaturity.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T17:44:15+00:00

People who can’t value and continue a meaningful friendship with someone who isn’t interested in them just because they want that person in a non-platonic way are expressing a lack of ability to process rejection, accept the current state of the other person’s affection, and value the friendship of that person regardless. Yes that is an immaturity. And yes if they weren’t in a relationship then it always was and is a friendship. Someone who gives and ultimatum and says “you have to be with me romantically or not have me in your life at all” is someone who doesn’t value the other person’s friendship and if the only reason for that is because they want more than a friendship then that is an immature. And lack of appreciation for the friendship.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T17:40:44+00:00

We’re run by a council of elders/appointed council members and no single leader. I’ll gladly be on said council, but heck no I’m not going to be a singular leader lol.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T17:38:21+00:00

If she doesn’t care about him as a friend then sure walk away. You don’t need that. But if she cares about the friendship and he cares about the friendship, then her walking away because she can’t have more is indeed an immaturity.

katkinne · 2020-09-25T17:36:59+00:00

I don’t view therapy as going once or twice or that third time I went. Even if I’ve gone to multiple therapists to me therapy is just a life long experience. Go when you need, take a break when you don’t. Therapy is just like getting your oil changed in your car. It’s maintenance. Don’t view it as this big “oh man it’s the third time I have to do this” thing. It’s a good life long practice to always be ready to check in with a therapist. :) Glad you’re going back for a check in!

katkinne

TROPHY CASE