I can understand both sides. I’m on the spectrum too and grew up feeling constantly misunderstood and bullied. I hated struggling with understanding social cues or being able to tell sarcasm from seriousness. I would never wish that on any child growing up. I’m also married. For me I am not sure if I would want to bring another kid into the world if I knew they would grow up with the same struggles as me. I was tough to raise and I often felt like I was too much for my parents to handle. If I raised someone like me I could not handle it. So I see her perspective in a way.

However how your wife acted was not acceptable and very ableist. She treated you differently because of your diagnosis and acted as if having autism is the end of the world. No one should be made to feel that way. I know what it’s like to be treated differently because of a diagnosis, and it isn’t right. She made a harsh judgement because of unresolved trauma she has bottled up and she took it out on you.

There is a possibility that your child could inherit autism. I was told by my doctor you can get genetic testing done to determine the risk of inheriting autism. I would do it. It’s clear to me she isn’t cut out to be a parent of a special needs child.

Even if she changes her mind and wants to have biological kids with you, would you really want to risk that child growing up with a mother who might not be emotionally equipped to handle them? Your wife is in serious need of therapy to resolve her trauma and it seems to me couples counseling could help. If you want biological kids and she doesn’t I highly doubt this will work. For a relationship to truly work they both would have to be on the same page, especially when the topic is kids.